Warning...lots of VERY, dark humor.
The POTUS
Chapter 1
(The President of the United States - POTUS from now on - was sitting at his desk in the oval office one day when a shot rang out and struck him in the left thumb. The Secret Service came running in to the office)
SS Agent - Mr. President? Are you hurt Sir?
POTUS - Yes, I have been shot in the thumb...I think I should go to the hospital.
SS Agent - I am sorry Sir...we cannot allow that as we feel it is dangerous to move you until the shooter has been caught. As you know Sir, we can technically override your authority when it comes to your safety.
POTUS - But I am bleeding.
SS Agent - It should be fine, Sir. Just requires a bandage.
(Another shot rang out...this one hit the POTUS in the same hand...on his pinky)
POTUS - I thought these windows were supposed to be bullet proof?
SS Agent - They are Sir. Must be an extremely, high powered rifle. But of an extremely, small caliber...of some sort.
POTUS - Well...can I go to the hospital now?
SS Agent - Sorry Sir...not until the perpetrator is caught.
POTUS - Well...can I move to a safer room?
SS Agent - I am sorry, Sir. Officially, this is the safest room in the entire complex that is above ground.
POTUS - Well, than can I move below ground?
SS Agent - I am sorry, Sir. Moving you out of this room to the elevator to take you below ground would require you to move out of the safest room above ground...and that is just not acceptab....
(another shot rang out...this one hit the POTUS’s other hand in the pinky)
POTUS - Jeeeeez...can’t you stop this maniac?
SS Agent - Apparently not, Sir.
POTUS - Well, could you at least have some of your people surround me to protect me?
SS Agent - I am sorry, Sir...all available agents are trying to track down the shooter.
POTUS - Well, there must be a safer part of the room I can go to?
SS Agent - No Sir. Since this glass is deemed unbreakable...the safest place for you to be is right in front of it.
POTUS - That is insane! Clearly - the glass is NOT unbreakable.
SS Agent - Just following the rules, Sir.
POTUS - Well, can’t you stand between me and the glass?
SS Agent - I am sorry, Sir. As the only, able-bodied agent around? It is imperative that I remain at my post and ready to do my duty. I cannot carry out that duty if I am dead...so I must, respectively, decline to act as your human shield.
(another shot is fired and this one hits the POTUS in the left wrist)
POTUS - Ahhh! Damn it! This is ridiculous. I am going to the hospital.
SS Agent - Sorry, Sir. That is not sufficiently, life-threatening to warrant leaving the safety of this office to go to the hospital.
POTUS - What the fuck are you talking about? I have been shot 4 times.
SS Agent - But none of the wounds are considered, anything of a serious nature, Sir.
POTUS - Well, I am going whether you agree or not!
SS Agent - Please do not move, Sir. Or I will be forced to tase you.
POTUS - WHAT?!?
SS Agent - It’s for your own safety, Sir.
POTUS - Fuck you...I am going anyway!
(the POTUS started walking towards the office door to the secretaries office when the SS Agent pulled out his taser and shot the POTUS. The POTUS shook and went stiff...then he fell to the ground. Just in time to be shot again...this time in the left shoulder. He awoke 5 minutes later.)
POTUS - Whe....where am I?
SS Agent - You are in your office, Sir?
POTUS - What? Take me to the fucking hospital right now!
SS Agent - I am sorry Sir...but I just cannot do that. Too much of a risk. Despite the fact you have been shot 7 times - 2 more while you lay here on the couch. I have deemed that none of the wounds are of a life-threatening nature and thus it is my professional and expert opinion that you are safer here.
(Just then the POTUS’s wife and mistress both came in the room...forced inside by other Secret Service Agents.)
POTUS Wife - Stop shoving me you gay brute.
POTUS Mistress - How badly is he hurt? Oh David? Oh my God...you are bleeding. Why isn’t he in a hospital (she says to the SS Agent)?
(both incoming agents leave the room)
POTUS - Yeah. Hi Marge.
POTUS Wife - Drop dead.
POTUS - I’m trying.
SS Agent - I am sorry Ma’am. Since you are only the President’s mistress and, as such, not technically a family member? I am not at liberty to answer your questions regarding the health of the President.
POTUS Mistress - I live with him! I sleep with him every night! I do too have a right to know.
SS Agent - I am sorry Ma’am...according to the rules...you do not.
POTUS Mistress - Well, we are practically married.
POTUS - If that bitch (pointing to his wife) would give me a divorce.
POTUS Wife - When you burn in Hell and not before.
POTUS - Bitch.
POTUS - Asshole.
POTUS Mistress (to the Wife) - Gold digger!
POTUS Wife - (to the mistress) Slut!
(a White House doctor comes in...and he is promptly shot dead. His nurse follows closely and manages to make it to the POTUS’s side)
Nurse - Good...I hated that man anyway (she motions to the now-dead doctor). Why is this man not in a hospital (referring to the POTUS)?
SS Agent - Because none of his wounds are individually, life threatening.
Nurse - Maybe. But collectively, he is losing a dangerous amount of blood. He NEEDS to go to the hospital. NOW!
SS Agent - I am sorry Ma’am...but are you a doctor?
Nurse. No...but I am the President’s personal nurse. And the doctor is dead. So it is up to me to decide until another doctor can be contacted...what is best for the President.
SS Agent - I am sorry, Ma’am. I can only take medical instructions from a doctor...which you are not. He stays until further notice.
POTUS Wife - Fine with me. A couple more bullet holes and I inherit everything.
POTUS - Skanky bitch.
POTUS Wife - Small-dicked nothing.
POTUS Mistress - He does not have a small penis. It’s cute. And just right for me. Judging by the number of men you have been fucked by...I imagine you could sail the Titanic up your vagina.
POTUS - Ohhh...good one!
POTUS Wife - You slut! I take that from no one!
(The POTUS Wife grabs the gun away from the SS Agent and aims it at the POTUS Mistress. But the Nurse grabs the gun and it goes off...hitting the President in the left foot. The SS Agent takes the gun away from the women.)
SS Agent - You will have to sit here and wait until this dies down. Uhhh...pardon the expression. I cannot be spared from...
(right then the SS Agent gets shot in the head and dies.)
Within 2 seconds...another Agent comes running in the room and automatically takes his place. And he gets shot in the butt and then through the heart...and dies.
And another one - within 5 seconds this time - runs into the room and takes charge.
Then a voice calls out from outside...clearly on a loud speaker system of some sort.
Voice - Sarah?
POTUS Mistress - Oh my God!!! That’s Gary! That’s my husband? He must have found out about us. He is a sniper in the Army...bottom of his class.
POTUS - I thought you said you ended it with him?
Sarah - I did! But I never told him who I left him for. Obviously, he found out.
POTUS Wife - No shit he found out.
Sarah - You!?! You told him!!!
POTUS Wife - Damn straight, bitch.
POTUS - Karen? You told him to kill me......incredibly slowly?
Karen - No. I just told him the truth and let him decide. What he does - or did - with that information is up to him.
SS Agent - Okay...we need to get the President to a hospital.
POTUS - FINALLY!!!
Gary - Sarah? Call me...if you are still alive, Honey?
SS Agent - No Sir...not you. The Special Agents.
POTUS - What? They are both dead.
SS Agent - Not necessarily.
Nurse - Oh for God’s sakes...one of them has half his brain shot away and the other one has spilled so much blood he would make Dracula die of consumption. They are both dead...understand?
SS Agent - I am sorry Ma’am...but you are not a doctor and I will have to have a doctor make that determination.
Gary - Sarah? Can you here me?
Sarah - What should I do?
Karen - What do you think? Call him, Little Miss 180 degree Legs.
Sarah - I don’t have his number?
POTUS - But he is your husband?
Sarah - Yes...but he changed it after we split.
SS Agent - Excuse me. I think the top priority is to get these two agents to the hospital. I will carry one and can one of you carry the other...and someone grab some of his brains that are on the floor?
Gary - Sarah? Why aren’t you calling me? Are you dead?
(the First Lady - Karen - goes to the window and yells at Gary)
Karen - How the fuck can she tell you she is dead if she is dead? Moron? She says you changed your number. She does not have it. Got it dufus?
Gary - What? Ohh...right. Okay. here is my new number (and he calls it out).
POTUS - Why the Hell haven’t the cops stopped or shot this guy?
Sarah - Oh he is apparently, incredibly good at concealment...tops in his class. It was just his shooting accuracy that he lacked.
SS Agent - People? Please...focus. We need to get these two men to the hospital.
Nurse - Are you mental? They are dead!
SS Agent - Alright...I will grant you that one of them might be. But the other? There is still a chance.
Nurse - No...there is none. (she thinks for a few seconds) I will tell you what. I will help you get one of the Agents to the hospital if you help me get the President to the same hospital at the same time? Alright?
SS Agent - I am sorry Ma’am...this is the safest place for the President and none of his injuries are life-threatening.
Nurse - But the shooter is busy.
SS Agent - We do not know for certain that he is the shooter or that he is alone.
Nurse - Oh for the love of...
(the nurse grabs a taser from one of the dead Agents on the floor and tases the live SS Agent)
Nurse....there! Now let’s get the President to the hospital.
POTUS - Oh thank goodness.
Sarah - I will talk to Gary while you two get David to the Hospital.
Karen - I am not going to raise one finger to help my cheating husband get to the hospital.
POTUS - Karen?
Nurse - First Lady?
Sarah - Mrs. Denny’s...your legs never close?
Gary - Sarah? Are you dialing?
Karen - You slut...
(and she lunges for Sarah again. The nurse gets in the way)
POTUS - (the POTUS yells out) Sorry Gary! Sarah is a little busy right now! My wife is trying to kill her? Just be patient!
Gary - Ummm...al...alright.
(the three women wrestle around on the floor...one of the POTUS’s secretary’s walks in)
Secretary - What the Devil is....
(she is shot dead)
(another SS Agent runs in...he is promptly shot dead. 10 seconds later...another crawls in...and his head is almost blown clean off of his body. Within 30 seconds...another SS Agent rolls in...and makes it)
SS Agent - Special Agent Hampster. Sir, we need to get all of these Special Agents to the hospital...immediately! No delay!
(The Nurse punches out the First Lady and knocks her unconscious.)
Nurse - What is wrong with you people (talking to the SS Agent)? They are all dead. We have to get...
(another doctor walks in)
Doctor - I am Dr. Ramsbottom. What in God’s name...
Nurse - Get down!!!
(the doctor falls to the ground...just as a bullet flies through the window.)
Sarah - Hello? Gary? (she is talking on her phone) Yes...this is Sarah. Honey...you have to stop shooting us. What do you mean you are not shooting? (she pulls her mouth away from the phone) He says he is not shooting at us.
SS Agent - Well, of course that is what he is going to say.
POTUS - Why are you calling him ‘Honey’ Are you having second thoughts?
Sarah - No...but I want to keep him calm.
POTUS - Why? If he is not doing the shooting?
Sarah - Just in case he is.
(another voice then came out from the outside - also on the loud speaker)
Voice - This is the shooter speaking. Look. I don’t know what is going on between you all. But I am trying to kill the POTUS. Could you tell me if...well, could you all take your marital problems somewhere else please? Now...could you please tell me if the President is dead yet? I am using these blasted .22 shells. And they are so bloody small. I used my last .5 inch round to break the window. So...I am really getting frustrated here.
SS Agent - Wait a minute. The President’s wound could be consistent with a .22. But the damage done to these other people could not. He must also have another, larger caliber gun with him.
Nurse - What about the .5 he has?
SS Agent - Well, he says he has no more rounds for that left and I don’t think these are that powerful.
Sarah - So if you are not shooting at us, Gary...why are you here?
Gary - Well...I was going to shoot at you all. But someone else beat me to it.
Doctor - Excuse me. Is it possible that the man out there has split personalities?
Sarah - I don’t think so. I think I would have noticed.
Doctor - What about during sex? Sometimes, things like this manifest at times like those?
Sarah - No.
Doctor - Well, maybe not then.
Sarah - Just turn yourself in David...er...Gary. Oh no...he hung up.
Karen - You stupid idiot. Why did you do that?
Sarah - I forgot. I am used to being fucked by your husband...not mine.
Karen - Slut!
(just then a burst of bullets came flying into the room...one, every 1/2 second or so. Not hitting anyone. It went on for about 30 seconds...then it stopped)
Voice - Enough of him! I have now killed the other sniper?
(the doctor calls outside loudly)
Doctor - Gary?
Gary - What? Shit!!!
Doctor - I knew it! Split personalities....
Sarah - My Goodness! I had no idea.
(Sarah tries to call Gary...no answer. She then calls out the window)
Sarah - Come on Gary...we know both - now - that you are one person! Pickup please? Look...I am sorry David’s name slipped out. But you and I have not had sex in a long time.
Gary - (calls out) Yes...because you would not try harder.
Sarah - (answers back, calling through the window to Gary) Well, it hurt too much.
Gary - (calls out) I can’t help it. I have an 11 inch penis. I tried to be gentle.
Sarah - (calls out) But the circumference was also too much. I told you...either you must have a reduction or it is over. And you would not...so it was over.
POTUS - 11 inches? Oh for the love of....
Sarah - Yes. He is HUGE!
(the POTUS looks a little insecure)
Karen - (looking at the POTUS) Ha ha...you are fucking a size queen. With that little thing you have.
POTUS - I didn’t know any of this.
Sarah - I am not a size queen. Quite the opposite.
Karen - Sure honey. You must have known how big he was when you married him.
Sarah - No...I was a virgin when I married him. I did not find out until our wedding night. And he never warned me beforehand.
Karen - Oh for crying out loud! You just take your time with it. You’ll eventually stretch out so it won’t hurt any more...or not so much. Did you even try that? Christ? An 11 inch dick? I would have been more patient...that’s for certain.
Sarah - I know that. But I just didn’t want to. It scared me.
Nurse - Was he not understanding about that?
Sarah - Yes...very. But that thing in his pants scared me.
Karen - And intrigued you...come on now. Admit it...just a little?
Sarah - Okay...just a little.
POTUS - Ummm...could we get back to getting me to the hospital please?
SS Agent - You are not going to the hospital, Mr. President.
(right then another bullet flew through the window and hit the President in the forearm. Quite a lot of blood came out from this wound)
SS Agent - Alright. Now we will go to the hospital.
Nurse - It’s about time! Special Agent - um - Gerbil.
SS Agent - That’s Agent Hampster, Ma’am.
Sarah - Oh the heck with it! I am sorry David...but I have to give it another try with Gary. He needs me. And maybe I can adapt to his ‘thing’.
POTUS - Yeah sure...whatever. The hospital?
SS Agent - Just make sure we have a window of opportunity here.
Sarah - (calls out) Alright Gary...I will give it another try. I just ended my relationship with David.
Gary - (calls out) Who is David? Ohh...the President. Mr. Little Dick? Alright.
Sarah - (calls out) Okay. Now will you stop shooting?
Gary - (calls out) Yea...umm...yeah...okay. You promise to give us another try?
Sarah - (calls out) I promise.
Gary - (calls out) Alright, I am putting down the gun now.
Sarah - (calls out) Thank you. Now let the authorities come and get you and I will meet you at the police station.
Gary - (calls out) Fine.
SS Agent - Okay...let’s go.
(just then a shot rings out and kills the POTUS’s wife dead with a shot to the head.)
Sarah - (calls out) GARY??? You said???
Gary - (calls out) - I’m sorry. But he won’t let me stop.
Doctor - Oh great!
POTUS - Is she dead?
SS Agent - I am sorry, Sir...she appears to be. My deepest condolences.
POTUS - Oh well...that’s something good. (He calls out) Thanks GARY!!!
Gary - (calls out) Ummm...you are welcome little di...I mean, Mr. President.
Doctor - I knew it! Split personalities!
Nurse - So you keep saying.
SS Agent - We need to get the Agent’s and the POTUS to the hospital.
Nurse - For the last time...all the agents - except the one I tased - are dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead!!!
Doctor - He’s right son. They are gone.
SS Agent - Well, what about the First Lady?
Doctor - She as well.
(the Agent thinks for a few seconds)
SS Agent - Well, we have to stop the shooter first.
Sarah - (calling out) Gary. Tell your other personality to stop shooting, please? He might hit me.
Gary - (calls out) I am trying to....but...he and I are wrestling...for the gun (a loud bang goes off).
Gary - (calls out) There! He is dead.
POTUS and nurse - What?!?
SS Agent - How can he have killed himself and he is still talking?
Sarah - (calling out) Gary? Who is dead?
Gary - (calls out) the shooter. I shot him...right through the temple.
Sarah - (calls out) ummm...so he is dead?
Sarah - (calls out) Yes...it’s all clear, Honey.
(Meanwhile, the tased SS Agent comes to and gets up---stunned. Then he is promptly shot twice and dies.)
SS Agent - Oh no!!!
Nurse - What the?
POTUS - Huh?
SS Agent - now he might still be alive.
Nurse - What? His skull is a mess. He is long gone.
SS Agent - Not necessarily.
Doctor - I am sorry son. He is dead.
SS Agent - This is a nightmare.
Sarah - (calls out) Gary? What is going on?
Gary - (calls out) sorry about that. I think the other shooter teleported his soul into mine just before he died. I cannot control my actions. I will have to kill myself to stop him. For you darling.
(a shot rings out)
Gary - (calls out) There...I am dead.
Nurse - What the ‘f’ is wrong with this guy?
SS Agent - Mr. President. Our men think they have found the shooter’s location. Permission to terminate the suspect?
Sarah - No!!!
POTUS - But he tried to kill you.
Sarah - But I love him.
POTUS - Since when?
Sarah - Since I realized that he killed others just to get me back. That is true love.
POTUS - No, it isn’t.
Sarah - Yes it is!
(she calls out)
Sarah - Don’t shoot Gary...I am coming to you sweetheart!
(Sarah jumps through the window and starts running to the sound of the voice of her husband. Only to be shot down after 10 feet in a hail of bullets.)
SS Agent - Ummm...sorry. That was our people I am afraid. A little, trigger happy. Apologies, Sir.
POTUS - Jeez...well, she was a bit of a kook anyway. But I liked her.
Nurse - This is insane!
Doctor - I agree.
Gary - (calls out) Where are you Sarah?
SS Agent - (calls out to Gary) Ummm...sorry about that. We thought...well, we shot her. Completely by mistake.
Gary - (calls out) WHAT!!! My beloved is dead?
Nurse - What beloved? (she calls out) You tried to kill her you sick fuck.
Gary - (calls out) Well...I was upset. But I love her.
Doctor - (calls out) Past tense, I am afraid. She is definitely dead.
Gary - (calls out) She might be alive.
Doctor - (calls out) Nope. Her head was blown clean off, No chance...sorry.
Gary - (starts to scream) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I WILL GET YOU ALL FOR THIS!!!
(and a huge round of bullets goes flying into the room...missing everyone who are all on the floor)
SS Agent - (speaks on his microphone to his men/women) Move in!!! Move in!!! Terminate!!! Terminate!!!
(A gigantic hail of gunfire - of a strange, sounding nature - goes on for about 20 seconds in all directions. And then there is silence. An SS Agent called into the SS Agent to tell him that they killed the shooter.)
SS Agent - (the Agent is talking to an Agent outside) What? How many? I’ll wait.
(SS Agent talks to the POTUS)
SS Agent - Just be a few minutes, Sir. Just checking.
(SS Agent waits for about 10 seconds and then starts singing a song - very faintly - while waiting for the news)
SS Agent - ‘Give me a sign. Hit me baby, one more tim...'
(SS Agent answers a call from other SS Agents)
SS Agent - What’s that? I happen to like Britney Spear....What? It’s Britney Spears?...Huh! Anyway...just get on with your message!
(a few seconds pass)
SS Agent - How many!?! Good Lord! The Humanity!!!
(a few seconds pass whilst the SS Agent mourns the loss of his fellow Agents.)
SS Agent - Oh well...life goes on.
(he talks to the other agents on the radio)
SS Agent - Well, is the target down? (a second passes) You are certain? Alright.
POTUS - What is it?
SS Agent - Well Sir? We got the shooter! But we lost a few of our Agent’s in the crossfire.
POTUS - Crossfire? I thought you people were experts at this kind of thing?
SS Agent - We are Sir...the best! But, we are better at taking bullets than firing them.
Nurse - Agent Rat? You people are useless,
SS Agent - That’s Agent Hampster, Ma’am!!!
POTUS - Oh great! Well...how many were hit? Two? Three?
SS Agent - Seventy-two actually.
POTUS/Doctor/Nurse (Simultaneously) - SEVENTY-TWO!!!
SS Agent - I am afraid so, Sir, sir, Ma’am? All dead.
Doctor - Umm..I prefer ‘Doctor’, actually.
Nurse - Ohhh...here we go!
POTUS - What difference does it make?
Doctor - I did not spend 11 years in medical school. And a further 9 in residency...just to be called ‘sir’ or ‘mister’. I am a ‘doctor’!!!
(the Nurse rolls her eyes)
Nurse - Every, bloody doctor...just has to be called ‘doctor’. Egomaniacs.
POTUS - Ummm... I thought it took only 7 years to become an MD in university.
Doctor - It does. I...I uh, took my time.
Nurse - He means, Mr. President? That he kept flunking out.
SS Agent - People? Can we get back to the matter at hand?
Doctor - Of course!!!
(Doctor asks the SS Agent about the dead Agents outside.)
Doctor - Now? How can you possibly know that they are ALL dead?
SS Agent - It’s the new weapons we have. Skull Bullets.
POTUS - What the heck is a ‘Skull Bullet’?
SS Agent - It’s only a prototype. But we thought now was as good a chance to test them as any time. In a real, life situation. They are small, rocket projectiles that fit over the barrels of our standard issue sidearms. When you launch them? They have a heat-seeking capacity. They lock on a heat source and go for the 4 inches below the top of that source. In this case, the top of a person’s head. And then the missile buries itself into the person’s skull and then explodes from inside.
Nurse - That’s disgusting!
SS Agent - Yes. But HIGHLY effective. The explosion usually blows the persons skull to pieces - rendering death a certainty.
Doctor’s - (says matter-of-factly) Yeah, I would guess.
SS Agent - Actually, the boys call it the ‘head seeker’.
Nurse - You bunch are a barrel of laughs (she says sarcastically).
POTUS - Alright...did your people not lock onto the shooter before they launched their - er -missiles?
SS Agent - Well...apparently, the shooter was wearing a ‘Incredible Hulk’ costume. And it completely negated his heat signature. But, the boys didn’t know that when they fired. So...the missiles ended up locking onto the only heat signatures within range and - roughly - straight ahead? The other Agents firing their missiles.
POTUS - So...seventy-two Agents had their skulls exploded...to varying degrees?
SS Agent - I am afraid so, Sir.
POTUS - What a tragedy!
The POTUS
Chapter 1
(The President of the United States - POTUS from now on - was sitting at his desk in the oval office one day when a shot rang out and struck him in the left thumb. The Secret Service came running in to the office)
SS Agent - Mr. President? Are you hurt Sir?
POTUS - Yes, I have been shot in the thumb...I think I should go to the hospital.
SS Agent - I am sorry Sir...we cannot allow that as we feel it is dangerous to move you until the shooter has been caught. As you know Sir, we can technically override your authority when it comes to your safety.
POTUS - But I am bleeding.
SS Agent - It should be fine, Sir. Just requires a bandage.
(Another shot rang out...this one hit the POTUS in the same hand...on his pinky)
POTUS - I thought these windows were supposed to be bullet proof?
SS Agent - They are Sir. Must be an extremely, high powered rifle. But of an extremely, small caliber...of some sort.
POTUS - Well...can I go to the hospital now?
SS Agent - Sorry Sir...not until the perpetrator is caught.
POTUS - Well...can I move to a safer room?
SS Agent - I am sorry, Sir. Officially, this is the safest room in the entire complex that is above ground.
POTUS - Well, than can I move below ground?
SS Agent - I am sorry, Sir. Moving you out of this room to the elevator to take you below ground would require you to move out of the safest room above ground...and that is just not acceptab....
(another shot rang out...this one hit the POTUS’s other hand in the pinky)
POTUS - Jeeeeez...can’t you stop this maniac?
SS Agent - Apparently not, Sir.
POTUS - Well, could you at least have some of your people surround me to protect me?
SS Agent - I am sorry, Sir...all available agents are trying to track down the shooter.
POTUS - Well, there must be a safer part of the room I can go to?
SS Agent - No Sir. Since this glass is deemed unbreakable...the safest place for you to be is right in front of it.
POTUS - That is insane! Clearly - the glass is NOT unbreakable.
SS Agent - Just following the rules, Sir.
POTUS - Well, can’t you stand between me and the glass?
SS Agent - I am sorry, Sir. As the only, able-bodied agent around? It is imperative that I remain at my post and ready to do my duty. I cannot carry out that duty if I am dead...so I must, respectively, decline to act as your human shield.
(another shot is fired and this one hits the POTUS in the left wrist)
POTUS - Ahhh! Damn it! This is ridiculous. I am going to the hospital.
SS Agent - Sorry, Sir. That is not sufficiently, life-threatening to warrant leaving the safety of this office to go to the hospital.
POTUS - What the fuck are you talking about? I have been shot 4 times.
SS Agent - But none of the wounds are considered, anything of a serious nature, Sir.
POTUS - Well, I am going whether you agree or not!
SS Agent - Please do not move, Sir. Or I will be forced to tase you.
POTUS - WHAT?!?
SS Agent - It’s for your own safety, Sir.
POTUS - Fuck you...I am going anyway!
(the POTUS started walking towards the office door to the secretaries office when the SS Agent pulled out his taser and shot the POTUS. The POTUS shook and went stiff...then he fell to the ground. Just in time to be shot again...this time in the left shoulder. He awoke 5 minutes later.)
POTUS - Whe....where am I?
SS Agent - You are in your office, Sir?
POTUS - What? Take me to the fucking hospital right now!
SS Agent - I am sorry Sir...but I just cannot do that. Too much of a risk. Despite the fact you have been shot 7 times - 2 more while you lay here on the couch. I have deemed that none of the wounds are of a life-threatening nature and thus it is my professional and expert opinion that you are safer here.
(Just then the POTUS’s wife and mistress both came in the room...forced inside by other Secret Service Agents.)
POTUS Wife - Stop shoving me you gay brute.
POTUS Mistress - How badly is he hurt? Oh David? Oh my God...you are bleeding. Why isn’t he in a hospital (she says to the SS Agent)?
(both incoming agents leave the room)
POTUS - Yeah. Hi Marge.
POTUS Wife - Drop dead.
POTUS - I’m trying.
SS Agent - I am sorry Ma’am. Since you are only the President’s mistress and, as such, not technically a family member? I am not at liberty to answer your questions regarding the health of the President.
POTUS Mistress - I live with him! I sleep with him every night! I do too have a right to know.
SS Agent - I am sorry Ma’am...according to the rules...you do not.
POTUS Mistress - Well, we are practically married.
POTUS - If that bitch (pointing to his wife) would give me a divorce.
POTUS Wife - When you burn in Hell and not before.
POTUS - Bitch.
POTUS - Asshole.
POTUS Mistress (to the Wife) - Gold digger!
POTUS Wife - (to the mistress) Slut!
(a White House doctor comes in...and he is promptly shot dead. His nurse follows closely and manages to make it to the POTUS’s side)
Nurse - Good...I hated that man anyway (she motions to the now-dead doctor). Why is this man not in a hospital (referring to the POTUS)?
SS Agent - Because none of his wounds are individually, life threatening.
Nurse - Maybe. But collectively, he is losing a dangerous amount of blood. He NEEDS to go to the hospital. NOW!
SS Agent - I am sorry Ma’am...but are you a doctor?
Nurse. No...but I am the President’s personal nurse. And the doctor is dead. So it is up to me to decide until another doctor can be contacted...what is best for the President.
SS Agent - I am sorry, Ma’am. I can only take medical instructions from a doctor...which you are not. He stays until further notice.
POTUS Wife - Fine with me. A couple more bullet holes and I inherit everything.
POTUS - Skanky bitch.
POTUS Wife - Small-dicked nothing.
POTUS Mistress - He does not have a small penis. It’s cute. And just right for me. Judging by the number of men you have been fucked by...I imagine you could sail the Titanic up your vagina.
POTUS - Ohhh...good one!
POTUS Wife - You slut! I take that from no one!
(The POTUS Wife grabs the gun away from the SS Agent and aims it at the POTUS Mistress. But the Nurse grabs the gun and it goes off...hitting the President in the left foot. The SS Agent takes the gun away from the women.)
SS Agent - You will have to sit here and wait until this dies down. Uhhh...pardon the expression. I cannot be spared from...
(right then the SS Agent gets shot in the head and dies.)
Within 2 seconds...another Agent comes running in the room and automatically takes his place. And he gets shot in the butt and then through the heart...and dies.
And another one - within 5 seconds this time - runs into the room and takes charge.
Then a voice calls out from outside...clearly on a loud speaker system of some sort.
Voice - Sarah?
POTUS Mistress - Oh my God!!! That’s Gary! That’s my husband? He must have found out about us. He is a sniper in the Army...bottom of his class.
POTUS - I thought you said you ended it with him?
Sarah - I did! But I never told him who I left him for. Obviously, he found out.
POTUS Wife - No shit he found out.
Sarah - You!?! You told him!!!
POTUS Wife - Damn straight, bitch.
POTUS - Karen? You told him to kill me......incredibly slowly?
Karen - No. I just told him the truth and let him decide. What he does - or did - with that information is up to him.
SS Agent - Okay...we need to get the President to a hospital.
POTUS - FINALLY!!!
Gary - Sarah? Call me...if you are still alive, Honey?
SS Agent - No Sir...not you. The Special Agents.
POTUS - What? They are both dead.
SS Agent - Not necessarily.
Nurse - Oh for God’s sakes...one of them has half his brain shot away and the other one has spilled so much blood he would make Dracula die of consumption. They are both dead...understand?
SS Agent - I am sorry Ma’am...but you are not a doctor and I will have to have a doctor make that determination.
Gary - Sarah? Can you here me?
Sarah - What should I do?
Karen - What do you think? Call him, Little Miss 180 degree Legs.
Sarah - I don’t have his number?
POTUS - But he is your husband?
Sarah - Yes...but he changed it after we split.
SS Agent - Excuse me. I think the top priority is to get these two agents to the hospital. I will carry one and can one of you carry the other...and someone grab some of his brains that are on the floor?
Gary - Sarah? Why aren’t you calling me? Are you dead?
(the First Lady - Karen - goes to the window and yells at Gary)
Karen - How the fuck can she tell you she is dead if she is dead? Moron? She says you changed your number. She does not have it. Got it dufus?
Gary - What? Ohh...right. Okay. here is my new number (and he calls it out).
POTUS - Why the Hell haven’t the cops stopped or shot this guy?
Sarah - Oh he is apparently, incredibly good at concealment...tops in his class. It was just his shooting accuracy that he lacked.
SS Agent - People? Please...focus. We need to get these two men to the hospital.
Nurse - Are you mental? They are dead!
SS Agent - Alright...I will grant you that one of them might be. But the other? There is still a chance.
Nurse - No...there is none. (she thinks for a few seconds) I will tell you what. I will help you get one of the Agents to the hospital if you help me get the President to the same hospital at the same time? Alright?
SS Agent - I am sorry Ma’am...this is the safest place for the President and none of his injuries are life-threatening.
Nurse - But the shooter is busy.
SS Agent - We do not know for certain that he is the shooter or that he is alone.
Nurse - Oh for the love of...
(the nurse grabs a taser from one of the dead Agents on the floor and tases the live SS Agent)
Nurse....there! Now let’s get the President to the hospital.
POTUS - Oh thank goodness.
Sarah - I will talk to Gary while you two get David to the Hospital.
Karen - I am not going to raise one finger to help my cheating husband get to the hospital.
POTUS - Karen?
Nurse - First Lady?
Sarah - Mrs. Denny’s...your legs never close?
Gary - Sarah? Are you dialing?
Karen - You slut...
(and she lunges for Sarah again. The nurse gets in the way)
POTUS - (the POTUS yells out) Sorry Gary! Sarah is a little busy right now! My wife is trying to kill her? Just be patient!
Gary - Ummm...al...alright.
(the three women wrestle around on the floor...one of the POTUS’s secretary’s walks in)
Secretary - What the Devil is....
(she is shot dead)
(another SS Agent runs in...he is promptly shot dead. 10 seconds later...another crawls in...and his head is almost blown clean off of his body. Within 30 seconds...another SS Agent rolls in...and makes it)
SS Agent - Special Agent Hampster. Sir, we need to get all of these Special Agents to the hospital...immediately! No delay!
(The Nurse punches out the First Lady and knocks her unconscious.)
Nurse - What is wrong with you people (talking to the SS Agent)? They are all dead. We have to get...
(another doctor walks in)
Doctor - I am Dr. Ramsbottom. What in God’s name...
Nurse - Get down!!!
(the doctor falls to the ground...just as a bullet flies through the window.)
Sarah - Hello? Gary? (she is talking on her phone) Yes...this is Sarah. Honey...you have to stop shooting us. What do you mean you are not shooting? (she pulls her mouth away from the phone) He says he is not shooting at us.
SS Agent - Well, of course that is what he is going to say.
POTUS - Why are you calling him ‘Honey’ Are you having second thoughts?
Sarah - No...but I want to keep him calm.
POTUS - Why? If he is not doing the shooting?
Sarah - Just in case he is.
(another voice then came out from the outside - also on the loud speaker)
Voice - This is the shooter speaking. Look. I don’t know what is going on between you all. But I am trying to kill the POTUS. Could you tell me if...well, could you all take your marital problems somewhere else please? Now...could you please tell me if the President is dead yet? I am using these blasted .22 shells. And they are so bloody small. I used my last .5 inch round to break the window. So...I am really getting frustrated here.
SS Agent - Wait a minute. The President’s wound could be consistent with a .22. But the damage done to these other people could not. He must also have another, larger caliber gun with him.
Nurse - What about the .5 he has?
SS Agent - Well, he says he has no more rounds for that left and I don’t think these are that powerful.
Sarah - So if you are not shooting at us, Gary...why are you here?
Gary - Well...I was going to shoot at you all. But someone else beat me to it.
Doctor - Excuse me. Is it possible that the man out there has split personalities?
Sarah - I don’t think so. I think I would have noticed.
Doctor - What about during sex? Sometimes, things like this manifest at times like those?
Sarah - No.
Doctor - Well, maybe not then.
Sarah - Just turn yourself in David...er...Gary. Oh no...he hung up.
Karen - You stupid idiot. Why did you do that?
Sarah - I forgot. I am used to being fucked by your husband...not mine.
Karen - Slut!
(just then a burst of bullets came flying into the room...one, every 1/2 second or so. Not hitting anyone. It went on for about 30 seconds...then it stopped)
Voice - Enough of him! I have now killed the other sniper?
(the doctor calls outside loudly)
Doctor - Gary?
Gary - What? Shit!!!
Doctor - I knew it! Split personalities....
Sarah - My Goodness! I had no idea.
(Sarah tries to call Gary...no answer. She then calls out the window)
Sarah - Come on Gary...we know both - now - that you are one person! Pickup please? Look...I am sorry David’s name slipped out. But you and I have not had sex in a long time.
Gary - (calls out) Yes...because you would not try harder.
Sarah - (answers back, calling through the window to Gary) Well, it hurt too much.
Gary - (calls out) I can’t help it. I have an 11 inch penis. I tried to be gentle.
Sarah - (calls out) But the circumference was also too much. I told you...either you must have a reduction or it is over. And you would not...so it was over.
POTUS - 11 inches? Oh for the love of....
Sarah - Yes. He is HUGE!
(the POTUS looks a little insecure)
Karen - (looking at the POTUS) Ha ha...you are fucking a size queen. With that little thing you have.
POTUS - I didn’t know any of this.
Sarah - I am not a size queen. Quite the opposite.
Karen - Sure honey. You must have known how big he was when you married him.
Sarah - No...I was a virgin when I married him. I did not find out until our wedding night. And he never warned me beforehand.
Karen - Oh for crying out loud! You just take your time with it. You’ll eventually stretch out so it won’t hurt any more...or not so much. Did you even try that? Christ? An 11 inch dick? I would have been more patient...that’s for certain.
Sarah - I know that. But I just didn’t want to. It scared me.
Nurse - Was he not understanding about that?
Sarah - Yes...very. But that thing in his pants scared me.
Karen - And intrigued you...come on now. Admit it...just a little?
Sarah - Okay...just a little.
POTUS - Ummm...could we get back to getting me to the hospital please?
SS Agent - You are not going to the hospital, Mr. President.
(right then another bullet flew through the window and hit the President in the forearm. Quite a lot of blood came out from this wound)
SS Agent - Alright. Now we will go to the hospital.
Nurse - It’s about time! Special Agent - um - Gerbil.
SS Agent - That’s Agent Hampster, Ma’am.
Sarah - Oh the heck with it! I am sorry David...but I have to give it another try with Gary. He needs me. And maybe I can adapt to his ‘thing’.
POTUS - Yeah sure...whatever. The hospital?
SS Agent - Just make sure we have a window of opportunity here.
Sarah - (calls out) Alright Gary...I will give it another try. I just ended my relationship with David.
Gary - (calls out) Who is David? Ohh...the President. Mr. Little Dick? Alright.
Sarah - (calls out) Okay. Now will you stop shooting?
Gary - (calls out) Yea...umm...yeah...okay. You promise to give us another try?
Sarah - (calls out) I promise.
Gary - (calls out) Alright, I am putting down the gun now.
Sarah - (calls out) Thank you. Now let the authorities come and get you and I will meet you at the police station.
Gary - (calls out) Fine.
SS Agent - Okay...let’s go.
(just then a shot rings out and kills the POTUS’s wife dead with a shot to the head.)
Sarah - (calls out) GARY??? You said???
Gary - (calls out) - I’m sorry. But he won’t let me stop.
Doctor - Oh great!
POTUS - Is she dead?
SS Agent - I am sorry, Sir...she appears to be. My deepest condolences.
POTUS - Oh well...that’s something good. (He calls out) Thanks GARY!!!
Gary - (calls out) Ummm...you are welcome little di...I mean, Mr. President.
Doctor - I knew it! Split personalities!
Nurse - So you keep saying.
SS Agent - We need to get the Agent’s and the POTUS to the hospital.
Nurse - For the last time...all the agents - except the one I tased - are dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead!!!
Doctor - He’s right son. They are gone.
SS Agent - Well, what about the First Lady?
Doctor - She as well.
(the Agent thinks for a few seconds)
SS Agent - Well, we have to stop the shooter first.
Sarah - (calling out) Gary. Tell your other personality to stop shooting, please? He might hit me.
Gary - (calls out) I am trying to....but...he and I are wrestling...for the gun (a loud bang goes off).
Gary - (calls out) There! He is dead.
POTUS and nurse - What?!?
SS Agent - How can he have killed himself and he is still talking?
Sarah - (calling out) Gary? Who is dead?
Gary - (calls out) the shooter. I shot him...right through the temple.
Sarah - (calls out) ummm...so he is dead?
Sarah - (calls out) Yes...it’s all clear, Honey.
(Meanwhile, the tased SS Agent comes to and gets up---stunned. Then he is promptly shot twice and dies.)
SS Agent - Oh no!!!
Nurse - What the?
POTUS - Huh?
SS Agent - now he might still be alive.
Nurse - What? His skull is a mess. He is long gone.
SS Agent - Not necessarily.
Doctor - I am sorry son. He is dead.
SS Agent - This is a nightmare.
Sarah - (calls out) Gary? What is going on?
Gary - (calls out) sorry about that. I think the other shooter teleported his soul into mine just before he died. I cannot control my actions. I will have to kill myself to stop him. For you darling.
(a shot rings out)
Gary - (calls out) There...I am dead.
Nurse - What the ‘f’ is wrong with this guy?
SS Agent - Mr. President. Our men think they have found the shooter’s location. Permission to terminate the suspect?
Sarah - No!!!
POTUS - But he tried to kill you.
Sarah - But I love him.
POTUS - Since when?
Sarah - Since I realized that he killed others just to get me back. That is true love.
POTUS - No, it isn’t.
Sarah - Yes it is!
(she calls out)
Sarah - Don’t shoot Gary...I am coming to you sweetheart!
(Sarah jumps through the window and starts running to the sound of the voice of her husband. Only to be shot down after 10 feet in a hail of bullets.)
SS Agent - Ummm...sorry. That was our people I am afraid. A little, trigger happy. Apologies, Sir.
POTUS - Jeez...well, she was a bit of a kook anyway. But I liked her.
Nurse - This is insane!
Doctor - I agree.
Gary - (calls out) Where are you Sarah?
SS Agent - (calls out to Gary) Ummm...sorry about that. We thought...well, we shot her. Completely by mistake.
Gary - (calls out) WHAT!!! My beloved is dead?
Nurse - What beloved? (she calls out) You tried to kill her you sick fuck.
Gary - (calls out) Well...I was upset. But I love her.
Doctor - (calls out) Past tense, I am afraid. She is definitely dead.
Gary - (calls out) She might be alive.
Doctor - (calls out) Nope. Her head was blown clean off, No chance...sorry.
Gary - (starts to scream) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I WILL GET YOU ALL FOR THIS!!!
(and a huge round of bullets goes flying into the room...missing everyone who are all on the floor)
SS Agent - (speaks on his microphone to his men/women) Move in!!! Move in!!! Terminate!!! Terminate!!!
(A gigantic hail of gunfire - of a strange, sounding nature - goes on for about 20 seconds in all directions. And then there is silence. An SS Agent called into the SS Agent to tell him that they killed the shooter.)
SS Agent - (the Agent is talking to an Agent outside) What? How many? I’ll wait.
(SS Agent talks to the POTUS)
SS Agent - Just be a few minutes, Sir. Just checking.
(SS Agent waits for about 10 seconds and then starts singing a song - very faintly - while waiting for the news)
SS Agent - ‘Give me a sign. Hit me baby, one more tim...'
(SS Agent answers a call from other SS Agents)
SS Agent - What’s that? I happen to like Britney Spear....What? It’s Britney Spears?...Huh! Anyway...just get on with your message!
(a few seconds pass)
SS Agent - How many!?! Good Lord! The Humanity!!!
(a few seconds pass whilst the SS Agent mourns the loss of his fellow Agents.)
SS Agent - Oh well...life goes on.
(he talks to the other agents on the radio)
SS Agent - Well, is the target down? (a second passes) You are certain? Alright.
POTUS - What is it?
SS Agent - Well Sir? We got the shooter! But we lost a few of our Agent’s in the crossfire.
POTUS - Crossfire? I thought you people were experts at this kind of thing?
SS Agent - We are Sir...the best! But, we are better at taking bullets than firing them.
Nurse - Agent Rat? You people are useless,
SS Agent - That’s Agent Hampster, Ma’am!!!
POTUS - Oh great! Well...how many were hit? Two? Three?
SS Agent - Seventy-two actually.
POTUS/Doctor/Nurse (Simultaneously) - SEVENTY-TWO!!!
SS Agent - I am afraid so, Sir, sir, Ma’am? All dead.
Doctor - Umm..I prefer ‘Doctor’, actually.
Nurse - Ohhh...here we go!
POTUS - What difference does it make?
Doctor - I did not spend 11 years in medical school. And a further 9 in residency...just to be called ‘sir’ or ‘mister’. I am a ‘doctor’!!!
(the Nurse rolls her eyes)
Nurse - Every, bloody doctor...just has to be called ‘doctor’. Egomaniacs.
POTUS - Ummm... I thought it took only 7 years to become an MD in university.
Doctor - It does. I...I uh, took my time.
Nurse - He means, Mr. President? That he kept flunking out.
SS Agent - People? Can we get back to the matter at hand?
Doctor - Of course!!!
(Doctor asks the SS Agent about the dead Agents outside.)
Doctor - Now? How can you possibly know that they are ALL dead?
SS Agent - It’s the new weapons we have. Skull Bullets.
POTUS - What the heck is a ‘Skull Bullet’?
SS Agent - It’s only a prototype. But we thought now was as good a chance to test them as any time. In a real, life situation. They are small, rocket projectiles that fit over the barrels of our standard issue sidearms. When you launch them? They have a heat-seeking capacity. They lock on a heat source and go for the 4 inches below the top of that source. In this case, the top of a person’s head. And then the missile buries itself into the person’s skull and then explodes from inside.
Nurse - That’s disgusting!
SS Agent - Yes. But HIGHLY effective. The explosion usually blows the persons skull to pieces - rendering death a certainty.
Doctor’s - (says matter-of-factly) Yeah, I would guess.
SS Agent - Actually, the boys call it the ‘head seeker’.
Nurse - You bunch are a barrel of laughs (she says sarcastically).
POTUS - Alright...did your people not lock onto the shooter before they launched their - er -missiles?
SS Agent - Well...apparently, the shooter was wearing a ‘Incredible Hulk’ costume. And it completely negated his heat signature. But, the boys didn’t know that when they fired. So...the missiles ended up locking onto the only heat signatures within range and - roughly - straight ahead? The other Agents firing their missiles.
POTUS - So...seventy-two Agents had their skulls exploded...to varying degrees?
SS Agent - I am afraid so, Sir.
POTUS - What a tragedy!
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