Pete Hegseth Blows Into Breathalyzer To Unlock Phone

[AProudLefty]

Grumbling to himself as he repeatedly dropped the device, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly blowing into a Breathalyzer Thursday in an attempt to unlock his phone. “Stupid fucking judge made me put this on my iPhone,” said the head of the nation’s largest government agency, snapping his fingers to get the attention of his deputy defense secretary and ask his subordinate to blow into the Breathalyzer for him. “Hey, could you do me a favor here? It’s not working, I think because I used mouthwash before I left the house this morning. Please? It’s really important. I got to send some war plans.” At press time, sources confirmed Hegseth was sleeping it off in a SCIF.

Pete Hegseth Blows Into Breathalyzer To Unlock Phone

WASHINGTON—Grumbling to himself as he repeatedly dropped the device, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly blowing into a Breathalyzer Thursday in an attempt to unlock his phone. “Stupid fucking judge made me put this on my iPhone,” said the head of the nation’s largest...

theonion.com

 

[Phantasmal]

The Onion is great satire.

 

[Nordberg]

The Onion is great satire.

Political comedy is based on facts and possibilities.

 

[Phantasmal]

Political comedy is based on facts and possibilities.

The Onion does a really good job of it, too!

 

[Cypress]

View attachment 46838

Grumbling to himself as he repeatedly dropped the device, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly blowing into a Breathalyzer Thursday in an attempt to unlock his phone. “Stupid fucking judge made me put this on my iPhone,” said the head of the nation’s largest government agency, snapping his fingers to get the attention of his deputy defense secretary and ask his subordinate to blow into the Breathalyzer for him. “Hey, could you do me a favor here? It’s not working, I think because I used mouthwash before I left the house this morning. Please? It’s really important. I got to send some war plans.” At press time, sources confirmed Hegseth was sleeping it off in a SCIF.

Pete Hegseth Blows Into Breathalyzer To Unlock Phone

WASHINGTON—Grumbling to himself as he repeatedly dropped the device, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly blowing into a Breathalyzer Thursday in an attempt to unlock his phone. “Stupid fucking judge made me put this on my iPhone,” said the head of the nation’s largest...

theonion.com

He promised senators who confirmed him to the post that he would stop drinking vodka screwdrivers for breakfast, but I have my doubts he will honor that pledge.

 

[serendipity]

He promised senators who confirmed him to the post that he would stop drinking vodka screwdrivers for breakfast, but I have my doubts he will honor that pledge.

I can't help thinking you'd be a much better person if you drank, it would help remove that stick up your arse

 

[serendipity]

The Onion does a really good job of it, too!

The Babylon Bee is funnier, Phanny!

Concerns Raised As Pete Hegseth Unveils New ‘Kill All Commies’ Forehead Tattoo

Concerns Raised As Pete Hegseth Unveils New ‘Kill All Commies’ Forehead Tattoo

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The controversy surrounding Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth and his tattoo choices intensified earlier this week after he unveiled a brand-new "Kill All Commies" tattoo on his forehead.

babylonbee.com

 

[Nordberg]

Hegseth and the other Reds in those meetings are embarrassing us bigly. Waltz apparently has been ignoring the rules and communicating govt policy and secrets on Gmail. These guys are unqualified and inexperienced in the jobs daffy Donald gave them.