The Onion's Candidate Profiles

Epicurus

Epicurus

Reasonable
http://www.theonion.com/content/whitehousewar/candidates

Ron Paul

Money Raised:
$18 million in gold, canned beans, rum, and storage mattresses

Vulnerability:
People may decide they like roads

Preferred Campaign Transportation:
Blimp

Economic Policy:
Favors absolute minimum taxation so citizens have more money to give to his campaign

Most Questionable Campaign Incident:
Burning American flag to prove "it's no big deal"

Key Issues:

Health Care-
As a physician himself, and a fervent believer in individual self-determination, advocates just toughing it out with a rag in your mouth.

Iraq War-
Opposes it for some complicated libertarian reason best explained in a rambling, discursive way by your office I.T. guy.


Barack Obama

Issues:
Pro-hopes, also supports dreams


Mike Huckabee

Signature Issue:
Retrieving the Ark of the Covenant

Stance On Swimming Pig Shows:
Pro

Iraq War:
Supports God's decision to tell Bush to invade.
 
Vulnerability:
People may decide they like roads

Iraq War:
Opposes it for some complicated libertarian reason best explained in a rambling, discursive way by your office I.T. guy.

My favs.
 
Richardson:

Forced to Publicly Apologize For:
As a child, his half-American side used to pay his half-Mexican side a substandard wage to clean his room
 
Obama

Iraq War
Will have American soldiers tell the Iraqi soldiers that they're just going out for some smokes, and then sneak back home to America.


:clink:
 
Obama, Health Care:

Promises to reduce cost of health care by demanding private insurance companies stop liking astronomical profits.
 
I like Hillary's

Signature Issue:
Becoming President of the United States

Murder Convictions:
3

Iraq War:
"I would never have voted for the war had we known it would become unpopular."
 
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