A rabbi dies and goes on to the afterlife

[Guno צְבִי]

When he gets there, he meets an angel, and this angel starts to lead him down what seems like an endless hallway with many doors on both sides.

The angel opens one of the doors and the rabbi peeks inside the room behind. He sees a brightly lit hall where droves of people sit at large tables or lie on couches, and they all eat from plates that seemed to refill themselves whenever the rabbi’s eyes wandered away from them. The rabbi nodded and they walked on.

The next door the angel opened revealed another room, this time one akin to a sprawling spa. In it, there were big swimming pools, whirlpools, saunas, and people lying on tables getting massages from beautiful men and women. The rabbi nodded and they walked on.



While continuing on their way, the rabbi suddenly heard a faint scream of pain from behind one of the doors. He asked the angel to open the door. The moment the angel did, a gust of searing air hit the rabbi’s face. Behind the door was a giant cavernous space, lit by blazing fires that were littered all over the floor and walls. There were bubbling cauldrons of oil, various torture devices, chains, whips, hooks, saws, and many other implements of anguish. And people. Lots and lots of people. All chained and in dirty rags, all herded and forces into the boiling cauldrons and into the fires. People were scalded, scarred, and tortured by dark, hooded figures, endlessly, in a scene of senseless horror. The screams and cries of the damned echoed throughout the air and resonated in the expanse of the cavern.

After a solid minute of horrified staring, the rabbi recoiled from the door and slammed it shut. He gasped for air as he was trying to process what he’s just seen. When he calmed down somewhat, he turned to the angel and asked:

“What in the name of God was that?”

The angel replied, matter-of-factly:

“That’s Hell. Christians made it up, so they got what they wished for.

 

[ThatOwlWoman]

Devilishly hilarious! We pagans have a very similar one:

A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome."

She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands."

He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please."

Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously.

The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?"

St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day."

"Why? Don't they have better things to do?"

Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks."

Surprising afterlife

And not to leave out our atheist friends!

An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I could never afford anything like that in my life." Satan gave him a key ring and said "well it's yours now. Free utilites, Netflix, Hulu, and there's a PS5, Nintendo Switch, all your favorite John Hughes films, you name it! It's all yours now, I like my residents to be cozy." The atheist thanked Satan. Satan replied "you're welcome. But before you get settled, I got more to show you. Follow me!"

They walk further along the park. The sun is shining bright and there's a nice fragrance in the air. Then Satan points to a parking garage and says "click the button on your key ring." The atheist clicks it and notices a particular car flashing its lights. He says, "is that a silver Tesla?" Satan replied "I heard its your dream car, right? I just think that everyone deserves a reliable way of transportation. I don't want anyone panting to get around in hell. That Tesla is all yours." The atheist thanked him.

He and Satan continue walking through the park and things still seem amicable. There are critters playing and flowers blooming. Then a beautiful woman rushed up to the two and says "what's up Satan...heyyyy, aren't you a handsome looking fellow". Satan said, "everyone deserves the partner of their dreams so..." The woman gives the atheist her number and says "here's my number, call me when the tour's over and we'll have fun." The atheist is excited but continues walking with Satan.

Then the atheist suddenly sees a fence. He gets a whiff of sulfur coming from the other side of the fence and hears some screaming. He looks through a hole in the fence and notices people getting tortured and impaled and pools of magma. The atheist is horrified and said "what is going on in there?" Satan said "oh, those are the Christians. I won't pretend to understand why, but they seem to prefer it that way"

An atheist dies

(Sorry for co-opting your thread.)