And then the fight started

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cancel2 2022

Canceled
1. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive.... So, I took her to a gas station.....

And then the fight started....



2. My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....



3. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me". And she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too".

And then the fight started.....



4. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started ...



5. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.....



6. I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....



7. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started.....



8. A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started.....
 
tom prendergast said:
1. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive.... So, I took her to a gas station.....

And then the fight started....



2. My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....



3. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me". And she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too".

And then the fight started.....



4. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And then the fight started ...



5. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.....



6. I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....



7. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started.....



8. A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started.....
Click to expand...
My wife found out I had sex with a girlfriend of hers before we started dating. She demanded to know how many other women besides her I had sex with. I asked "Including your sister?"

and then the fight started.
 
My x-wife asked me, "if I died would you let someone else wear my clothes?" I answered 'No they are too big for her.'
Then the fight started
 
From Rodney Dangerfield...

I jumped into a cab and told the driver to take me to where the action was. He drove me to my house. When I got there a naked man was running down the street, I asked him why he was running naked, he said, ' Your home early!'
Then the fight started.

I saw rodney once in Phx. He did at least 1/2 hr of one liners. My sides hurt so bad I wanted him to stop, but he didn't. I miss him.
http://www.mustsharejokes.com/page/Rodney+Dangerfield+Jokes
 
discussing a neighbor who had remarried four months after his first wife died of cancer, my wife asked me "if I died would you remarry that quickly?"......I said no, I would want to enjoy the peace and quiet for a few years.....and then the fight started.....
 
Crashk said:
My x-wife asked me, "if I died would you let someone else wear my clothes?" I answered 'No they are too big for her.'
Then the fight started
Click to expand...

V. Old but must be in any collection.

My wife asked: If I died and you found someone else, would you let her use my golf clubs.
I said: Of course not, she is left handed.

Then the fight started.
 
Threedee said:
I swear, this is like the 15th thread about these jokes...

And NOW, someone has an axe to grind!!
Click to expand...
Mine was actually a true story. My wife did want to know what other women I had sex with and I did ask if her sister counted?

To get even, about a year later I was taking my wife to work and she was nagging at me all the way there. When I pulled up at her work, I parked, reached across her and opened her door and said "Now get your ass out and make me some money!". She gave me a surprised look and said "What you gonna do with my money?". I said "I'm going to a whore house" and with out batting an eye she said "Say hi to your mom for me.".....and then the fight started.
 
I think the difference is, Mott, that you and I are known to be the kind of guys who would make such a joke in response to women asking. As such, any women in our lives is going to have found this out, and accepted it. Some people can't handle this sort of sarcastic humor, which is what makes these jokes seem so outrageous.

BTW, epic pwnage by your wife there. That's awesome!! :clink:
 
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