Bumptious bollixing bumbler Biden boldly burlesqued

The Anonymous

The Anonymous

Bag On My Head
Biden Clarifies That Stimulus Checks Are 'Just An Idea'

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As more and more Americans start wondering where the $2,000 stimulus checks Joe Biden promised are, especially as he's now decided to start meddling in Syria, Biden issued a statement today clarifying that the stimulus checks were "just an idea."

"The stimulus checks, see, they're just an idea," he said, shrugging off claims that the stimulus checks were supposed to be actual checks sent to Americans.

Biden's statement brought everyone in the room to tears, and Snopes quickly fact-checked his claim that the stimulus checks were never intended to be literal but were always "just an idea" as "double-plus true."


https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-clarifies-that-stimulus-checks-are-just-an-idea
 
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“Trump Worried Biden Will Take Credit For 500,000 Covid Deaths He Made Possible”

“ PALM BEACH, FL—Seething over the fact he was no longer in the Oval Office as pandemic casualties reached a new milestone, former President Trump expressed worry Monday that President Biden would take credit for the 500,000 Covid deaths the Trump administration had made possible.”

“No other president could have pushed death rates that high, and now that bastard is swooping in at the end of this pandemic and stealing my thunder,” said Trump, claiming that without his strategy of discouraging mask use and pretending the virus would go away on its own, the nation would never have been able to make it to a quarter million deaths, let alone a half million. It wasn’t Biden who spent months refusing to attend the coronavirus task force meetings. That was all me.”

https://politics.theonion.com/trump-worried-biden-will-take-credit-for-500-000-covid-1846326694

“Babylon Bee?”
 
Absentminded Biden Accidentally Mails Stimulus Checks To Defense Contractors

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Biden is getting on in years. He's no spring chicken anymore. Well, that means that once in a while he has a senior moment, and yesterday was no exception.

Biden suddenly realized that he had accidentally mailed nearly a trillion dollars in stimulus money to defense contractors instead of sending the checks to Americans as promised.

Biden quickly called the defense contractors to get the checks returned, but it was too late, as they had already cashed them, purchased a bunch of bombs, and shipped them over to the Middle East to get dropped on Syria.


https://babylonbee.com/news/absentminded-joe-biden-accidentally-mails-stimulus-checks-to-defense-contractors-instead-of-americans
 
Biden taps gender-neutral Potato Head as Agriculture Secretary

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Biden has selected the new gender-neutral Potato Head toy as Secretary of Agriculture, enabling him to check several boxes of his intersectional cabinet in one fell swoop.

Biden confirmed this nomination in a press release Thursday evening just minutes after Hasbro announced the new toy.

“I heard ‘gender-neutral’ and ‘potato’ in the same sentence and I thought, hot damn, I got me an Agriculture Secretary!” Biden said before his daily lid at 11:30 am.

The gender-neutral Potato Head doll has not had any experience in any private or public sector position and is not sentient, which makes it perfect for the Biden Cabinet.


https://genesiustimes.com/biden-taps-gender-neutral-potato-head-as-agriculture-secretary/
 
Biden Can't Remember Who He Put In Charge Of Alzheimer's Research

Biden has committed to defeating Alzheimer's Disease through cutting-edge research.

Unfortunately, the White House staff was thrown into turmoil today after Biden completely forgot who he placed in charge of it.

"Listen, folks," Biden reportedly said during a morning meeting. "The fight against Alzheimer's is important. There's no reason we can't defeat this disease by 2003. I know President Nixon is gonna fight me on this, but I'll stop at nothing to defeat polio before France invades!"

According to sources, Biden then scanned the crowd, trying to remember who he had placed in charge of the effort.

"Jen? Hi there, sweetheart. How's the research comin'? Welp, my stories are on the TV. Let's take a break."

The staff desperately looked around for any kind of document that would indicate who Biden had placed in charge of Alzheimer's research.

Sadly, their search came up empty since Biden had forgotten to appoint anyone to begin with.


https://babylonbee.com/news/chaos-after-biden-forgets-who-he-put-in-charge-of-alzheimer-research
 
The Anonymous said:
Biden Clarifies That Stimulus Checks Are 'Just An Idea'

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As more and more Americans start wondering where the $2,000 stimulus checks Joe Biden promised are, especially as he's now decided to start meddling in Syria, Biden issued a statement today clarifying that the stimulus checks were "just an idea."

"The stimulus checks, see, they're just an idea," he said, shrugging off claims that the stimulus checks were supposed to be actual checks sent to Americans.

Biden's statement brought everyone in the room to tears, and Snopes quickly fact-checked his claim that the stimulus checks were never intended to be literal but were always "just an idea" as "double-plus true."


https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-clarifies-that-stimulus-checks-are-just-an-idea
Click to expand...

I understand you aren't very bright, but what legislation was just passed by Congress?
 
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