Darwin Awards

AProudLefty

AProudLefty

Black Kitty Ain't Happy
Darwin_Evolve.jpg

Christmas Light Zinger - Honorable Mention & Eyewitness Account
(December 2009) Robert, a contributor, reports, "I was helping a friend decorate her tree for Christmas. A strand of lights seemed to have a short, so she took it upon herself to fix the problem. She stripped the wires in the area and spliced them. While the lights were still plugged into the wall outlet, my friend finished up by using her teeth to crimp the bare wires together. Needless to say, she lit up like a Christmas tree!"

The Price Of Peace - Reported in Birmingham Press & Sun

(19 December 1999, New York) The week before Christmas, a man climbed out of the passenger window of a moving car that was traveling in excess of 65 miles per hour along Interstate 88. In the midst of gale-force winds, he attempted to stake a claim on the roof. As night follows day, he tumbled to the ground and died in hospital from head injuries the next day. What caused such a preposterous stunt? He was arguing with his girlfriend, the driver. Take this as a lesson to lessen the stress in your life, Dear Reader! Peace to you this holiday season.

https://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2018-05.html
 
Christmas Roast
1998 Urban Legend
(25 December 1998, Canada) Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feedhorn.
Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manatoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shutoff switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero.

Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic.

Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
 
Christmas Fireworks
2018 At-Risk Survivor
Unconfirmed by Darwin

A true tale of an event from Justice Lloyd's ill-spent youth.
It was a cold, clear Christmas day, and only one gift remained unopened: a large present under the tree addressed to the entire family from Santa. My younger brothers and I were granted the honor of opening it, and we proceeded to rip the wrapping paper asunder. It was a box full of fireworks! Bottle rockets, firecrackers, screamers, flowers, snakes, smoke bombs, and M60s, which resemble miniature sticks of dynamite

After securing our presents in our rooms, we threw on our new winter coats, grabbed the box of fireworks, and scouted out a location from which to deploy them. We chose the top of a hill overlooking the lake in our backyard, towards which we would launch the fireworks.

To be safe, we decided to leave the box of fireworks in the garage, twenty feet from our staging ground. But after several trips back and forth, I decided to carry the fireworks more efficiently. I grabbed some M60s, a string of firecrackers, and a few packages of bottle rockets, and stuffed them into the inside breast pocket of my new coat until it was close to bursting.

We were using punks to light the fuses. Punks resemble sticks of incense. They burn without a flame, leaving only a smoldering tip. I was happily engaged in lighting fireworks, when I inadvertently reached into my inside pocket for more, with the hand holding the punk. I did not realize my mistake until I felt a sharp burn and a powerful WHUMP against my chest. At first, I thought one of my brothers had fired a bottle rocket at me, but no one was looking my way. I suddenly realized that the bottle rocket had gone off in my inside breast pocket!

I grabbed the front collar of my coat, and pulled it out so I could look down to see what was happening. Sparks flew up and hit my face. At that moment, the long string of firecrackers ignited. POP! POP POP POP! I tried to unzip my coat, it but it was stuck, and would not unzip no matter how hard I pulled. My smoldering coat was being ripped to shreds, and holes were burning through the sweatshirt beneath it.



I realized that there was only way to remove the coat. I whipped it over my head, and had barely extricated my arms from the sleeves and hurled it away, when the first M60 blew. I dove to the cold ground, which felt soothing against my burned chest. The M60 ripped a huge hole in the coat, which started to burn, and the burning coat set off the rest of the M60s, blowing the coat into tatters of flaming cloth.

The burns on my chest were not severe. My mother, a nurse, was able to dress them herself, so I didn't have to go to the emergency room. My parents were too bemused to punish me, except for insisting that I buy myself a new coat with my Christmas money.

If the M60s had gone off while I was wearing the coat, or during my struggle to get it off, I would have been a serious contender for a Darwin Award. But since I survived, instead let my story serve as an amusing warning to others!
 
AProudLefty said:
Christmas Roast
1998 Urban Legend
(25 December 1998, Canada) Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feedhorn.
Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manatoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shutoff switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero.

Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic.

Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
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OMG. I feel sad for that guy who discovered him. Ugh. You'd think he would have felt that and got away!

One of my favorite Darwin stories was told by my sister, who was a nurse-manager of an ICU in a level I trauma center in Missouri. One day they admitted a patient with severe burns; his family was being treated in other units for less severe burns. They lived in a mobile home in outstate MO. They noticed that the furnace wasn't heating the house, so the man went to check it out. He smelled propane when he went outside, so got himself a candle, lit it, and crawled under the trailer to see if he could spot the problem. As you might have guessed, the trailer exploded. IIRC he later passed away.
 
Let this be a warning to you, Dutch Uncle. :thumbsup:

drawbridge.jpg

Two Texans Die Trying
2019 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin
drawbridge sketch(24 May 2019, Louisiana) Like ill-fated Madame Curie, may their experiment be a warning to you, my friend. South of Lake Charles, Black Bayou Drawbridge was CLOSED to cars and OPEN to boats. Evidentially this was an irresistible Friday Night challenge to Texas Man (32) and Texas Man Two (aged 23).
The Chevy Cruze stopped on Black Bayou Bridge, and a Texas Man emerged and PUSHED UP the safety gate for the DRAWBRIDGE !!! His second mistake was to JUMP BACK IN as the driver accelerated rapidly up the open drawbridge ramp, thinking, "Shoot the gap!"

You cannot live long if the road's IQ is higher than your own. In this IQ test, our Double Darwin winners failed; indeed they set a new low. Because these Texas Men--unlike the Blues Brothers--lacked "Cop Tires. Cop Engine. Cop Suspension, and a Mission From God."

A witness observed a passenger emerge and push up the arm of the safety gate, then get back in while the driver backed up a bit and accelerated hard over the dra-bridge edge. Over the bridge and through the waves, our DOUBLE DARWIN WINNERS paved new ground, and demonstrating a new "dead end" leading off the path of evolution.

The Shoot-The-Gap tragedy happened at 2AM. The car sank from sight, and it was no easy task to locate the wreck. Louisiana state police divers eventually located and lifted the vehicle with pontoons and recovered two drowned bodies from the Black Bayou. Identities are identified in this CNN News article.

Double Darwin - a twofer! Take heed, and practice patience on the drawbridges of life.

https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/24/us/louisiana-two-killed-trying-to-jump-car-over-bridge-opening/index.html
 
Dutch Uncle said:
Yo
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AProudLefty said:
Let this be a warning to you, Dutch Uncle. :thumbsup:

drawbridge.jpg

Two Texans Die Trying
2019 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin
drawbridge sketch(24 May 2019, Louisiana) Like ill-fated Madame Curie, may their experiment be a warning to you, my friend. South of Lake Charles, Black Bayou Drawbridge was CLOSED to cars and OPEN to boats. Evidentially this was an irresistible Friday Night challenge to Texas Man (32) and Texas Man Two (aged 23).
The Chevy Cruze stopped on Black Bayou Bridge, and a Texas Man emerged and PUSHED UP the safety gate for the DRAWBRIDGE !!! His second mistake was to JUMP BACK IN as the driver accelerated rapidly up the open drawbridge ramp, thinking, "Shoot the gap!"

You cannot live long if the road's IQ is higher than your own. In this IQ test, our Double Darwin winners failed; indeed they set a new low. Because these Texas Men--unlike the Blues Brothers--lacked "Cop Tires. Cop Engine. Cop Suspension, and a Mission From God."

A witness observed a passenger emerge and push up the arm of the safety gate, then get back in while the driver backed up a bit and accelerated hard over the dra-bridge edge. Over the bridge and through the waves, our DOUBLE DARWIN WINNERS paved new ground, and demonstrating a new "dead end" leading off the path of evolution.

The Shoot-The-Gap tragedy happened at 2AM. The car sank from sight, and it was no easy task to locate the wreck. Louisiana state police divers eventually located and lifted the vehicle with pontoons and recovered two drowned bodies from the Black Bayou. Identities are identified in this CNN News article.

Double Darwin - a twofer! Take heed, and practice patience on the drawbridges of life.

https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/24/us/louisiana-two-killed-trying-to-jump-car-over-bridge-opening/index.html
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.
 
AProudLefty said:
The ultimate "hold my beer" moment indeed.
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Like the rest of this Christian Nation it was just another way too dang lily brilliant white Christiananality pedophilia mass of "man is God" suicidal super egos preying on a fabricated misnomer immaculate Jesus the Christ conception white Christmas based on Islam virgin Mary medical pseudoscience human reproduction of what to do with bastards for an economic gold standard of all those "serve the Pope or die" thieving US Constitution - old glory - old testament arsonists as SCOTUS fabricated misnomers of immaculate drug conceptions in order for the supreme swastika up Uranus kangaroo court lynching enforcement to ensure Islam medical pseudoscience of virgin Mary human reproduction thru an immaculate Jesus the Christ conception for Christiananality pedophilia to continue those burning Bush's Arab "death to the infidels" 9/11 WW II Mengele "Angel of Death" baptize thine eyes by urinations health care patriot act plan where their master plan to nuke Temple Mount along with NYC & Washington, D.C. would insure 21st century trinity holycosts for their super egos suicidal way too dang lily brilliant white sociopsychopathilogical homicidal human farming national religion.
 
saltydancin said:
Like the rest of this Christian Nation it was just another way too dang lily brilliant white Christiananality pedophilia mass of "man is God" suicidal super egos preying on a fabricated misnomer immaculate Jesus the Christ conception white Christmas based on Islam virgin Mary medical pseudoscience human reproduction of what to do with bastards for an economic gold standard of all those "serve the Pope or die" thieving US Constitution - old glory - old testament arsonists as SCOTUS fabricated misnomers of immaculate drug conceptions in order for the supreme swastika up Uranus kangaroo court lynching enforcement to ensure Islam medical pseudoscience of virgin Mary human reproduction thru an immaculate Jesus the Christ conception for Christiananality pedophilia to continue those burning Bush's Arab "death to the infidels" 9/11 WW II Mengele "Angel of Death" baptize thine eyes by urinations health care patriot act plan where their master plan to nuke Temple Mount along with NYC & Washington, D.C. would insure 21st century trinity holycosts for their super egos suicidal way too dang lily brilliant white sociopsychopathilogical homicidal human farming national religion.
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WTF is that word salad?
 
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