Dixie - In Memoriam
New member
I know it's a little late to do this, traditionally these awards are made in the first week of the year, but I've been busy thwacking pinheads, and haven't had a chance to compile sufficient data and tabulate results. In any event, here it is... My list of the Top 10 Worst Commercials of 2008.
10. AARP Life Insurance-
This one features a guy who is contemplating what he should do today on his "to do" list. His kitchen cabinet is falling off the hinges, and apparently, his garage is a jungle, but he is going to pass on dealing with both of those things, to check a few boxes on a form and send off for his AARP Life Insurance. He will probably die from laziness, is my guess. My question is, why can't he do all the things on the "to do" list? I mean, three things? Doesn't seem like any kind of major "to do" list, if you ask me. And what bothers me most is, AARP Life Insurance is for people age 50-80, and the guy doesn't look (or act) old enough. His wifeypoo certainly doesn't look 50, and she is remarkably hot, to be married to a goob like him.
9. Lectric Shave-
Okay, the first thing is this... does anybody even use this stuff? I mean, I understand back in the earlier days of electric razors, you might need a product that helped to "stand up" your beard, so the archaic steel blades could hack off the whiskers, but we have made advancements in blade technology since 1948, I think. If you're using this stuff, maybe you should just break down and invest in a new modern electric razor, or better yet, shave like a real man, with a real razor! The worst part of this commercial is, the music! I swear, I think they stole it from Lucky Charms! The score sounds like it was written by someone who's best work is seen on the Saturday morning cartoons.
8. Enzite Male Enhancement-
Smiling Bob just gets on my nerves! The guy looks like a perv dork who couldn't get laid with a million dollars in Vegas. In the "Christmas" commercial (c'mon, did someone get this shit for Christmas?), it is full of double entendre... "this Chubby Santa" (a 'chubby' is known as an erection) ... a "sack full of confidence" ...which should be good to have, since the product itself is a complete rip off. As "Santa" takes his seat on the throne, ready to invite the line of eager older ugly women to come sit on his boner, his 'assistant' is conveniently positioning the 'north pole' so that the word "pole" is pointing right at Bob's lap! Why is his assistant holding the North Pole?
7. Colonial Penn Life Insurance-
Okay, someone had the brilliant idea to do a TV commercial of two women watching a TV commercial about CP Life Insurance! It starts off with one of them interrupting the conversation with the other, to ask if she would "turn the TV up, this is that commercial I wanted to see!" Here's a clue, if anyone EVER interrupts a conversation you are having, to watch a life insurance commercial, it's time to get some help. What is interesting about the commercial is, if you watch it, the "toll free number" you are supposed to call, never shows up on their screen! Of course it's on the screen of the actual commercial about the commercial, but not THEIR screen! As it ends, the ladies are exclaiming how they are "going to call" but how? There was no number in the commercial!
6. J. G. Wentworth-
First, I must say, the newer commercials are an improvement over the previous ones. Earlier in 2008, they had one in which people were literally screaming from the rooftops "IT'S MY MONEY, AND I NEED IT NOW!" Of course, I am a devout capitalist, and I understand the need of a company that offers to take that structured settlement or annuity off your hands for a lump sum of cash, (and in the process, take a huge cut of the action). I can see where that would be a good idea for making money, and I can see idiots who would gladly fork over 20% of their 'fortune' to get their money now, instead of how it was structured to be paid to them. What I don't understand is, who were these people screaming at? I say they must be Democrats!
5. ShamWow (w/Vince)-
It's a freakin towel! It seems like a pretty good product, it looks like something I might actually buy, if I were looking for a towel at Walmart, and it was sitting there next to the regular towels! I am not somehow inclined to order it by credit card from a guy who I wouldn't buy a watch from on the street corner! I mean, what else has "Vince" done, am I out of the loop? He seems to think we all know him, and of course, trust his judgment on towels! When the commercial gets to the part where he tells us the product is "guaranteed for 10 years" he says this while holding the towel in front of his face, and if you listen closely, you can tell the audio was spliced. This leads me to believe, they didn't really know how long they were going to 'guarantee' the product, when Vince cut the commercial! And after all, I can even guarantee, in 100 years, it will STILL be a freakin TOWEL!
4. Pos-T-Vac-
This is a penis pump... the same thing you might see in an adult novelty store, or mail order out of the back of Hustler. The commercial is comprised of a group of absolute losers, who swear by it, and say it really works! Some quack of a doctor claims it is the only "male therapy system covered by Medicare"... Oh, I really needed to hear that! So, my tax dollars are going for this? I wonder if Smiling Bob has ordered his yet?
3. HeatSurge Amish Fireplaces-
Okay, this one is just disturbing on many levels. First of all, the Amish are supposed to be opposed to any kind of 'modern convenience' or commercialism of any kind, but apparently, this heater guy has co-opted a deal with the Amish to sell their 'handmade Amish mantles' complete with his el-cheapo electric heater. The deal is, you 'buy' the Amish mantle, and the 'heater' is FREE! (Oh, by the way, the mantles are $300!) But now, you have to act quick, the Amish have imposed a limit of two per household! We are reassured these things are safe, because "there is no real flame!" Well, what the hell? How can it be a FIREPLACE, with NO REAL FLAME! What's amazing is, some people will not only order one of these gaudy things, but they'll spring $600 for TWO! But, as heater guy says, "you'll never have to be cold again!"
2. Extenze Male Enhancement-
What the hell is up with all the "male enhancement" shit these days? I mean, we live in the age of Viagra! You would think these 'wannabe' companies would have gone belly up by now, with the popularity of the 'little blue pill', but apparently, they are doing well enough to bombard us with 24/7 TV commercials! Now we must remember, "Extenze was designed to do only one thing, make you larger regardless of age!" We are assured "this is real science, it's not a gimmick!" I guess it helps that this reassurance is coming from a sexy Latino bimbo, but I still have my doubts, since medical doctors will tell you there is no natural way to actually make your penis larger. Perhaps that sticking point is what prompted Extenze to move away from the "make you larger" claims, and focus on "the fun" aspect, with a new commercial! The latest, features a guy who is obviously supposed to look like he is well hung, claiming he "didn't really care if he was larger" he just wanted to have more fun in the sack! And judging by his old lady, I can see why! My question is, has this guy not heard about Viagra?
1. Billy Mays Commercials-
My top honors go to Billy Mays! Yes, I know, he has done a plethora of commercials about a variety of cheesy products, none of which I plan to buy. If I ever invent a really corny cheeseball product I don't think anyone would ever buy, I will be sure to hire Billy Mays to hock it for me! If for no other reason, you can hear the guy screaming from any point in your home, if he is on the TV! I'm convinced, you could put Billy Mays on top of the Sears Tower, and you wouldn't even need TV stations to run your commercials! One of his products is the "Awesome Auger" which is designed to uproot turf for planting and such, but I think he needs to stick one in his ears to clean out the wax, so he can hear how loud he is screaming.
Well, there you have it, the official list! There are a couple of "Honorable Mentions" as well. These could have very easily made the list, but for whatever reason, I couldn't find a spot for them. If you have others you wish to submit for consideration, please feel free to do so.
Honorable Mention #1-
Obama Coins! --
I think I didn't include this one because they didn't hit until late in the year, and it appears it will be a short-lived thing. Capitalizing on the "First Black President", we have an authentic set of coins to commemorate the event! My question is, are these coins actual legal currency? Or are they like the "Liberian" $20 certificates, which are made from 99% pure silver PLATE? I mean, can you drop a couple of Obama quarters in a soda machine and actually BUY something with them?
Honorable Mention #2-
Trojan Vibrating Touch--
You would think they could have found two female actresses who could actually form coherent sentences, to hock this 'finger sized vibrator' on TV. But we have what we have! Two silly and goofy bimbos giggling about how cute this thing is! (it looks like a bug) Now, we have to just accept that they are apparently at a restaurant, and rather than talking to each other, one of them is reading a magazine and begins to giggle at the ad in the rag.... (I wonder if the Colonial Penn people did this one too?) In any event, the woman being totally ignored by her friend interjects... "Is that what I think it is?" (....Nahhh... it's not a finger-sized cooch massager, you must be mistaken!) The testimonials include another bimbo telling us "it comes in this awesome little bag!" WOW, I'm glad it comes in the awesome little bag, otherwise I might get it confused with my Awesome Auger! Another testimonial says "it's good for a relationship" ....Really? It helps your relationship to massage your twat regularly? Maybe her boyfriend needs to try some Extenze? The commercial ends with a 90-something-year-old woman, telling the girls to "relax, you can get them online, that's where I got mine!" As FUCKING IF, old lady! She probably stopped massaging her twat 50 years ago! Get REAL!
10. AARP Life Insurance-
This one features a guy who is contemplating what he should do today on his "to do" list. His kitchen cabinet is falling off the hinges, and apparently, his garage is a jungle, but he is going to pass on dealing with both of those things, to check a few boxes on a form and send off for his AARP Life Insurance. He will probably die from laziness, is my guess. My question is, why can't he do all the things on the "to do" list? I mean, three things? Doesn't seem like any kind of major "to do" list, if you ask me. And what bothers me most is, AARP Life Insurance is for people age 50-80, and the guy doesn't look (or act) old enough. His wifeypoo certainly doesn't look 50, and she is remarkably hot, to be married to a goob like him.
9. Lectric Shave-
Okay, the first thing is this... does anybody even use this stuff? I mean, I understand back in the earlier days of electric razors, you might need a product that helped to "stand up" your beard, so the archaic steel blades could hack off the whiskers, but we have made advancements in blade technology since 1948, I think. If you're using this stuff, maybe you should just break down and invest in a new modern electric razor, or better yet, shave like a real man, with a real razor! The worst part of this commercial is, the music! I swear, I think they stole it from Lucky Charms! The score sounds like it was written by someone who's best work is seen on the Saturday morning cartoons.
8. Enzite Male Enhancement-
Smiling Bob just gets on my nerves! The guy looks like a perv dork who couldn't get laid with a million dollars in Vegas. In the "Christmas" commercial (c'mon, did someone get this shit for Christmas?), it is full of double entendre... "this Chubby Santa" (a 'chubby' is known as an erection) ... a "sack full of confidence" ...which should be good to have, since the product itself is a complete rip off. As "Santa" takes his seat on the throne, ready to invite the line of eager older ugly women to come sit on his boner, his 'assistant' is conveniently positioning the 'north pole' so that the word "pole" is pointing right at Bob's lap! Why is his assistant holding the North Pole?
7. Colonial Penn Life Insurance-
Okay, someone had the brilliant idea to do a TV commercial of two women watching a TV commercial about CP Life Insurance! It starts off with one of them interrupting the conversation with the other, to ask if she would "turn the TV up, this is that commercial I wanted to see!" Here's a clue, if anyone EVER interrupts a conversation you are having, to watch a life insurance commercial, it's time to get some help. What is interesting about the commercial is, if you watch it, the "toll free number" you are supposed to call, never shows up on their screen! Of course it's on the screen of the actual commercial about the commercial, but not THEIR screen! As it ends, the ladies are exclaiming how they are "going to call" but how? There was no number in the commercial!
6. J. G. Wentworth-
First, I must say, the newer commercials are an improvement over the previous ones. Earlier in 2008, they had one in which people were literally screaming from the rooftops "IT'S MY MONEY, AND I NEED IT NOW!" Of course, I am a devout capitalist, and I understand the need of a company that offers to take that structured settlement or annuity off your hands for a lump sum of cash, (and in the process, take a huge cut of the action). I can see where that would be a good idea for making money, and I can see idiots who would gladly fork over 20% of their 'fortune' to get their money now, instead of how it was structured to be paid to them. What I don't understand is, who were these people screaming at? I say they must be Democrats!
5. ShamWow (w/Vince)-
It's a freakin towel! It seems like a pretty good product, it looks like something I might actually buy, if I were looking for a towel at Walmart, and it was sitting there next to the regular towels! I am not somehow inclined to order it by credit card from a guy who I wouldn't buy a watch from on the street corner! I mean, what else has "Vince" done, am I out of the loop? He seems to think we all know him, and of course, trust his judgment on towels! When the commercial gets to the part where he tells us the product is "guaranteed for 10 years" he says this while holding the towel in front of his face, and if you listen closely, you can tell the audio was spliced. This leads me to believe, they didn't really know how long they were going to 'guarantee' the product, when Vince cut the commercial! And after all, I can even guarantee, in 100 years, it will STILL be a freakin TOWEL!
4. Pos-T-Vac-
This is a penis pump... the same thing you might see in an adult novelty store, or mail order out of the back of Hustler. The commercial is comprised of a group of absolute losers, who swear by it, and say it really works! Some quack of a doctor claims it is the only "male therapy system covered by Medicare"... Oh, I really needed to hear that! So, my tax dollars are going for this? I wonder if Smiling Bob has ordered his yet?
3. HeatSurge Amish Fireplaces-
Okay, this one is just disturbing on many levels. First of all, the Amish are supposed to be opposed to any kind of 'modern convenience' or commercialism of any kind, but apparently, this heater guy has co-opted a deal with the Amish to sell their 'handmade Amish mantles' complete with his el-cheapo electric heater. The deal is, you 'buy' the Amish mantle, and the 'heater' is FREE! (Oh, by the way, the mantles are $300!) But now, you have to act quick, the Amish have imposed a limit of two per household! We are reassured these things are safe, because "there is no real flame!" Well, what the hell? How can it be a FIREPLACE, with NO REAL FLAME! What's amazing is, some people will not only order one of these gaudy things, but they'll spring $600 for TWO! But, as heater guy says, "you'll never have to be cold again!"
2. Extenze Male Enhancement-
What the hell is up with all the "male enhancement" shit these days? I mean, we live in the age of Viagra! You would think these 'wannabe' companies would have gone belly up by now, with the popularity of the 'little blue pill', but apparently, they are doing well enough to bombard us with 24/7 TV commercials! Now we must remember, "Extenze was designed to do only one thing, make you larger regardless of age!" We are assured "this is real science, it's not a gimmick!" I guess it helps that this reassurance is coming from a sexy Latino bimbo, but I still have my doubts, since medical doctors will tell you there is no natural way to actually make your penis larger. Perhaps that sticking point is what prompted Extenze to move away from the "make you larger" claims, and focus on "the fun" aspect, with a new commercial! The latest, features a guy who is obviously supposed to look like he is well hung, claiming he "didn't really care if he was larger" he just wanted to have more fun in the sack! And judging by his old lady, I can see why! My question is, has this guy not heard about Viagra?
1. Billy Mays Commercials-
My top honors go to Billy Mays! Yes, I know, he has done a plethora of commercials about a variety of cheesy products, none of which I plan to buy. If I ever invent a really corny cheeseball product I don't think anyone would ever buy, I will be sure to hire Billy Mays to hock it for me! If for no other reason, you can hear the guy screaming from any point in your home, if he is on the TV! I'm convinced, you could put Billy Mays on top of the Sears Tower, and you wouldn't even need TV stations to run your commercials! One of his products is the "Awesome Auger" which is designed to uproot turf for planting and such, but I think he needs to stick one in his ears to clean out the wax, so he can hear how loud he is screaming.
Well, there you have it, the official list! There are a couple of "Honorable Mentions" as well. These could have very easily made the list, but for whatever reason, I couldn't find a spot for them. If you have others you wish to submit for consideration, please feel free to do so.
Honorable Mention #1-
Obama Coins! --
I think I didn't include this one because they didn't hit until late in the year, and it appears it will be a short-lived thing. Capitalizing on the "First Black President", we have an authentic set of coins to commemorate the event! My question is, are these coins actual legal currency? Or are they like the "Liberian" $20 certificates, which are made from 99% pure silver PLATE? I mean, can you drop a couple of Obama quarters in a soda machine and actually BUY something with them?
Honorable Mention #2-
Trojan Vibrating Touch--
You would think they could have found two female actresses who could actually form coherent sentences, to hock this 'finger sized vibrator' on TV. But we have what we have! Two silly and goofy bimbos giggling about how cute this thing is! (it looks like a bug) Now, we have to just accept that they are apparently at a restaurant, and rather than talking to each other, one of them is reading a magazine and begins to giggle at the ad in the rag.... (I wonder if the Colonial Penn people did this one too?) In any event, the woman being totally ignored by her friend interjects... "Is that what I think it is?" (....Nahhh... it's not a finger-sized cooch massager, you must be mistaken!) The testimonials include another bimbo telling us "it comes in this awesome little bag!" WOW, I'm glad it comes in the awesome little bag, otherwise I might get it confused with my Awesome Auger! Another testimonial says "it's good for a relationship" ....Really? It helps your relationship to massage your twat regularly? Maybe her boyfriend needs to try some Extenze? The commercial ends with a 90-something-year-old woman, telling the girls to "relax, you can get them online, that's where I got mine!" As FUCKING IF, old lady! She probably stopped massaging her twat 50 years ago! Get REAL!
