charver
You lookin' at my pint?
Good Morning.
Right, stop your gawping. If you're staying take off your coat, sit yourself down in the corner and quit your jibber-jabbering for five blessed minutes. It's a while since i last had a dalliance with this blog bidness, so do excuse the general untidiness. I trust you've all availed yourself of the facilities because i'm not having anyone get up for a piss half way through. Understand? Good.
In these straightened times of mass unemployment, fiscal turmoil and oinking airborne viral death, one has to take one's comforts where one can find them. Whether it's shoplifting meat or a quick flash of teat we all require a little something to break the monotony of gloomy headlines and even grimmer forecasts. We all need that hypodermic kick of joie de vivre direct into the bloodstream to put a spring back in the step, yes?
With the credit bubble well and truly popped, and with the twin whores Ms. Mastercard and Madam Visa now eschewing their once generous offers of "good times at reasonable rates" in favour a strict regime of domination, humiliation and golden showers, the money conscious man about town has to cut his cloth to suit his means, don't you know? Gone are the days of snorting Charlie cocaines off of the rubenesque buttocks of Romanian strumpets. Bad times indeed.
Consequently, when one has spent all day with nothing more to look forward to, of an evening, than sitting down to the resplendent delights of the dessert round on 'The Great British Menu' the last thing one wants to be confronted with is a bloody Party Political Broadcast. It is the European Parliament, and County Council, elections next month so the politicos all get a five minute slot to impart their message to anybody who hasn't turned over yet. I know it's only five minutes but it tends to knock everything out of kilter and they never say anything new anyway.
In summary we have:
Labour - "It's not our fault".
Tories - "It's all their fault".
Liberal Democrats - "Please notice us".
Green Party - "Windmills, eh? Aren't they great?"
United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) - "Fuck Europe".
The British National Party (BNP) - "We're not racist, you understand, but the blacks, eh? Wouldn't we be better off without them? The Pakis aren't really much better either and don't get me started on the bloody Jews. I tell you that Adolf Hitler had the right...oh have we started...er...some of our best friends are black and i...er...love curry...honest."
The BNP are hoping to make "a breakthrough" and win a European seat because, now we're all poor, we're bound to become virulently racist and imagine we can kick-start the world's flagging economy by concentrating less on boosting exports of, say, manufactured goods in favour of a rapid upturn in our wholesale export of brown people. Aside from a short-term slump in Koran sales, novelty 'this way to Mecca' ornamental compasses and beard combs how would the economy possibly suffer if all those brown doctors and nurses were put on the first available boat to Bangalore? Foolproof.
"But who, prey tell, are you going to vote for?" I hear none of you ask.
The answer is...i don't know. I voted UKIP last time in order to "send a message" to those pro-European tinkers in Whitehall. I baulk at voting for the racist British National Party and their odious views on, well, everything really. However, i can take comfort in casting a vote for a party who just hates Europe with a xenophobic passion.
Maybe i'll just toss a coin? Piss weasels the lot of 'em.
Right. That's it. Get out.
NOW!
Right, stop your gawping. If you're staying take off your coat, sit yourself down in the corner and quit your jibber-jabbering for five blessed minutes. It's a while since i last had a dalliance with this blog bidness, so do excuse the general untidiness. I trust you've all availed yourself of the facilities because i'm not having anyone get up for a piss half way through. Understand? Good.
In these straightened times of mass unemployment, fiscal turmoil and oinking airborne viral death, one has to take one's comforts where one can find them. Whether it's shoplifting meat or a quick flash of teat we all require a little something to break the monotony of gloomy headlines and even grimmer forecasts. We all need that hypodermic kick of joie de vivre direct into the bloodstream to put a spring back in the step, yes?
With the credit bubble well and truly popped, and with the twin whores Ms. Mastercard and Madam Visa now eschewing their once generous offers of "good times at reasonable rates" in favour a strict regime of domination, humiliation and golden showers, the money conscious man about town has to cut his cloth to suit his means, don't you know? Gone are the days of snorting Charlie cocaines off of the rubenesque buttocks of Romanian strumpets. Bad times indeed.
Consequently, when one has spent all day with nothing more to look forward to, of an evening, than sitting down to the resplendent delights of the dessert round on 'The Great British Menu' the last thing one wants to be confronted with is a bloody Party Political Broadcast. It is the European Parliament, and County Council, elections next month so the politicos all get a five minute slot to impart their message to anybody who hasn't turned over yet. I know it's only five minutes but it tends to knock everything out of kilter and they never say anything new anyway.
In summary we have:
Labour - "It's not our fault".
Tories - "It's all their fault".
Liberal Democrats - "Please notice us".
Green Party - "Windmills, eh? Aren't they great?"
United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) - "Fuck Europe".
The British National Party (BNP) - "We're not racist, you understand, but the blacks, eh? Wouldn't we be better off without them? The Pakis aren't really much better either and don't get me started on the bloody Jews. I tell you that Adolf Hitler had the right...oh have we started...er...some of our best friends are black and i...er...love curry...honest."
The BNP are hoping to make "a breakthrough" and win a European seat because, now we're all poor, we're bound to become virulently racist and imagine we can kick-start the world's flagging economy by concentrating less on boosting exports of, say, manufactured goods in favour of a rapid upturn in our wholesale export of brown people. Aside from a short-term slump in Koran sales, novelty 'this way to Mecca' ornamental compasses and beard combs how would the economy possibly suffer if all those brown doctors and nurses were put on the first available boat to Bangalore? Foolproof.
"But who, prey tell, are you going to vote for?" I hear none of you ask.
The answer is...i don't know. I voted UKIP last time in order to "send a message" to those pro-European tinkers in Whitehall. I baulk at voting for the racist British National Party and their odious views on, well, everything really. However, i can take comfort in casting a vote for a party who just hates Europe with a xenophobic passion.
Maybe i'll just toss a coin? Piss weasels the lot of 'em.
Right. That's it. Get out.
NOW!
