Dixie - In Memoriam
New member
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Disclaimer: What you are about to read is humor. Albeit, dark humor, it is nevertheless, humor. It is not intended as a serious concept or idea, and has no significant value in any reality, or intended subsequent meaning, implied or otherwise. As with most dark humor, it may shock or offend some people, therefore, this thread is intended for mature audiences. No animals were harmed in the posting of this thread.
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I have this idea for a new religion. It is to be called, the First Whiskey Church of Jesus. Several of my closest buddies are on board, and it seems to be a popular idea whenever I mention it to others. Basically, it is a church dedicated to treating people nice, like Jesus would do, and helping them to find repentance for their sins, and learn to love each other. We believe the Bible is the Good Book, but there are lots of other good books, as well as bad ones. This is all subjective, but the fundamental message of Jesus is universal. You see him everywhere, on the dashboards of Latino low-riders, on billboards, at Notre Dame football games... People in Mexico name their kids after him, but pronounce it different. So, he has obviously had a great influence, and rightly so, his message is love and forgiveness. And the greatest gift of all, is love... there's even an Alan Jackson song about it!
Through our simple doctrine, we can eliminate the traditional shackles of religious beliefs and focus on the fundamental message of love and forgiveness. Alcohol is known to be very beneficial in cleansing the impure. It kills evil toxins and germs, and sanitizes the body, and through extension, the soul as well. Our church will use the Whiskey to cleanse you of your sins, so that you are again pure and whole. We will hold weekly 'mass' whereby, you will be able to confess your sins to our bartenders, and you must take a shot for each sin, we stole this from the Catholics who do "hail mary's" but, we think shots are better. Plus, we can get around the Blue Laws because it is a religious function.
As a member of the First Whiskey Church of Jesus, you must designate your home as part of the church. This gives you a great tax break, but it also helps us to grow and spread our word. Unlike many other churches, there is no 'power trip' thing, as a church parishioner, you automatically have the authority to hear confessions and administer whiskey repentance. Not only do you have the authority to do this, you are expected to do this at least once per week for any church members in your area. Some have asked, what constitutes a church service, and we go by what Jesus said, whenever two or more are gathered in my name, there is love.... or maybe it was Peter, Paul, and Mary? Anyway, the point is, have a gathering, repent, take your shots, and remember to love and forgive.
