For those of you who work in corporate cubeville

[uscitizen]

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest . They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers . These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America :


"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards . Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks ."

(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp . in Redmond WA )


"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter . "
(Lykes Lines Shipping)


"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data . It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)


"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. "
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)



"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months . Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp . )



Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)




My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday . He then said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)





"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)



"The first and most important question to ask in solving any problem is 'where are we going to eat?'"
(Regional Manager, Wachovia Operational Services)

 

[Cancel7]

These are so great. I think I will print these out and hang them up in my office.

 

[LadyT]

"The first and most important question to ask in solving any problem is 'where are we going to eat?'"
(Regional Manager, Wachovia Operational Services)


I like that one. I may go work at Wachovia now.

 

[doniston]

"The first and most important question to ask in solving any problem is 'where are we going to eat?'"
(Regional Manager, Wachovia Operational Services)


I like that one. I may go work at Wachovia now.

HOW ABOUT THESE???

1) I had a New Hampshire congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair
wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2) I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then
she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown
is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I
calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts; Capetown is in Africa." Her
response ...(click).

3) A senior Vermont congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible since Orlando is in the
middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and
Florida is a very thin state!"

4) I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England
from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look close on the map."

5) An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a
car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour
layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I
heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the
gates to save time."

6) An Illinois congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was
possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at
8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but
she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the
plane went very fast, and she bought that!

7) A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said,
"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline,
they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that
is very rude." After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it'
(I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA
is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her
luggage.

8) A senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9) I just got off the phone with a freshman congressman who asked, "How do I
know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he
replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have
numbers on them!"

10) A lady senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I
have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to
Pensacola, Florida on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"

11) A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in
order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded
him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and
never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay
required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four
times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12) A New Mexico congresswoman called to make reservations. "I want to go from
Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do
you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with,
"I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't
find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows
where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York
and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was
a big animal," she said.

Now you know why government is in the shape that it's in.