History according to DEMOCRATS
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The Anonymous
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Liberal Treated With Hydroxychloroquine Hopes He Still Dies To Prove Trump wrong
NEW YORK, NY—When Jeffrey Walton tested positive for COVID-19, he hoped for a speedy recovery. But since he has been treated with hydroxychloroquine, the experimental treatment President Donald Trump has been touting, he now hopes he dies quickly to help prove that Trump is an idiot.
While Trump has been giving people hope that hydroxychloroquine could save lives, his political opponents have called it false hope and claimed Trump has no idea what he’s talking about. Walton, a lifelong Democrat and progressive, had joined in calling Trump “irresponsible” and an “ignoramus” and now has an opportunity to prove it by simply dying. “It’s such an opportunity, I don’t want to pass it up,” Walton said.
Doctor Glenn Logan, Walton’s physician, says he’s been up and down. “After we gave him the hydroxychloroquine, he got really excited about the idea of dying to prove Trump is dumb, and his good mood helped his condition, and he started to improve. Because that would only help Trump, his getting healthier made him depressed, which caused his condition to deteriorate. Which made him really happy. Which helped him recover and... Well, it’s been a weird cycle.”
Dr. Logan has been warning Walton that there is a chance he could fully recover. Walton is trying to prepare himself for this -- a world where everything isn’t black and white and Trump can be right about some things -- but he insists he’d much rather die.
https://babylonbee.com/news/liberal-treated-with-hydroxychloroquine-hopes-he-still-dies-of-covid-19-to-prove-trump-is-stupid
NEW YORK, NY—When Jeffrey Walton tested positive for COVID-19, he hoped for a speedy recovery. But since he has been treated with hydroxychloroquine, the experimental treatment President Donald Trump has been touting, he now hopes he dies quickly to help prove that Trump is an idiot.
While Trump has been giving people hope that hydroxychloroquine could save lives, his political opponents have called it false hope and claimed Trump has no idea what he’s talking about. Walton, a lifelong Democrat and progressive, had joined in calling Trump “irresponsible” and an “ignoramus” and now has an opportunity to prove it by simply dying. “It’s such an opportunity, I don’t want to pass it up,” Walton said.
Doctor Glenn Logan, Walton’s physician, says he’s been up and down. “After we gave him the hydroxychloroquine, he got really excited about the idea of dying to prove Trump is dumb, and his good mood helped his condition, and he started to improve. Because that would only help Trump, his getting healthier made him depressed, which caused his condition to deteriorate. Which made him really happy. Which helped him recover and... Well, it’s been a weird cycle.”
Dr. Logan has been warning Walton that there is a chance he could fully recover. Walton is trying to prepare himself for this -- a world where everything isn’t black and white and Trump can be right about some things -- but he insists he’d much rather die.
https://babylonbee.com/news/liberal-treated-with-hydroxychloroquine-hopes-he-still-dies-of-covid-19-to-prove-trump-is-stupid
The Anonymous
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THE PACIFIC — Ousted Navy Secretary Thomas Modly said that he would continue to investigate the theft of one quart of frozen strawberries aboard the USS Theodore Roosevelt, sources confirmed today.
Modly’s investigation, called “perfectly reasonable” by Navy insiders, has continued despite a growing national security crisis which has killed over 100,000 Americans so far and threatens to kill more Americans over the next few months than the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Korea, Vietnam, and the First World War combined.
Modly first announced the investigation during an address to the crew of the coronavirus-stricken carrier, in which Modly invoked the term “servant leadership” and vowed he would “never, ever, ever, ever, ever throw you guys under the bus,” according to an audio transcript.
The audio transcript did not capture the sound of Modly crossing his fingers behind his back.
Last week, Modly relieved the ship’s captain, Capt. Brett Crozier, resulting in a flood of support for the beloved naval officer on social media. Several videos showed the commander receiving a hero’s farewell as he departed the vessel for the last time.
Modly was dismissive of the captain, adding “Crozier was no different from any other officer…they were all disloyal. I tried to run this Navy properly, but they fought me at every turn.”
“Ah, but the strawberries,” added Modly, “that’s where I had them…they laughed at me and made jokes, but I had ‘em.”
Some critics have questioned Modly’s motivation and priorities, given his laserlike focus on bullshit minutiae like missing strawberries, English muffins, and leaked memos rather than the obvious coronavirus pandemic threatening to consume an entire aircraft carrier or the fact that two 1,000-bed hospital ships were treating a combined total of 35 patients as of Friday.
Modly dismissed those claims.
“There are only four ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, the Navy way, and my way. You can shoot unarmed detainees in this Navy, but take care of your sailors and I’ll have you.”
Modly was last seen questioning the sanity of anyone who would make an outlandish statement, knowing it would be leaked to the press in an audio recording which was subsequently released to the press.
https://www.duffelblog.com/2020/04/ousted-navy-secretary-modly-vows-to-find-out-who-stole-frozen-strawberries/
The Anonymous
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The Anonymous
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FORT BENNING, Ga. — Capt. Lynnette Diogo made history this week when she became the Army’s first ever female PowerPoint Ranger. Diogo, a West Point graduate, is currently the Assistant S-3 for the 2-29th Infantry Battalion.
Diogo managed to endure grueling hours and late nights crafting hundreds of PowerPoint slides for commanders’ update briefs, yearly training calendar briefs, CONOPS, and battalion training slides. In addition to learning basic soldier skills such as embedding photographs and graphs into slides, Diogo mastered such advanced tactics as establishing animations and timing slide transitions.
“There were days I just wanted to quit because I didn’t think I could go on anymore.” said Diogo. “I was exhausted, but I learned to dig deep and find something inside myself I never knew I had. I knew my fellow female soldiers were watching and counting on me. I just couldn’t bear to let them down.”
Appearing haggard and having lost close to 35 pounds, Diogo staggered onto the briefing podium and delivered a 127-slide briefing as part of a simulated VTC to various theater-level commanders. As she clicked onto her final slide and asked if there were any questions or caveats, the 27-year-old Hollywood, Florida native broke into tears of joy.
“She is an inspiration,” said First Lt. Janice Wray, a Logistics officer assigned to the 2-29th Infantry’s S-4 section. “I’m more of an Excel girl myself, but it is incredibly motivating to see what other women in the military are capable of accomplishing.”
https://www.duffelblog.com/2020/04/army-announces-first-ever-female-powerpoint-ranger/
The Anonymous
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LINCOLN PARK, IL—Local man Jon Larson has just entered into a long-distance relationship with a girl who lives in the apartment across the street from him.
He started talking to the girl, Cindy, in mid-March when they met online using one of those purely platonic dating apps everyone is into. However, just over a week later, the entire state was placed under a “stay at home” order, forcing them to separate—though they had never actually met in person.
“I love Cindy with all my heart,” Larson expressed. “But being so far away from one another has been tough. More so on Cindy than myself. She really wants to cuddle. Always wants to cuddle.”
Cindy has been head over heels for Jon since yesterday when he finally asked her out. “He asked me over text, which was fine,” Cindy said, “but he could’ve at least called, or yelled across the street.” Cindy immediately sent Jon a copy of The Five Love Languages across the clothesline in a bucket, which the couple reads from every night on FaceTime.
“The clothesline has been really convenient for our relationship,” Jon said. “She sends me letters, I send letters back. She’ll send me old pictures of her and her friends, I’ll send some old pictures of myself back. I don’t really have any friends. Anyways, the clothesline is great!”
Jon is happy with the book that the couple is reading together every night, but he noticed something strange on the inside cover. In the top corner was written “4 Jeremy” with a little heart next to it.
“That really threw me off," Jon said. "But you know what, Jeremy takes really good notes, so I’m thankful for Jeremy.”
https://babylonbee.com/news/local-man-now-in-long-distance-relationship-with-girl-across-the-street
The Anonymous
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NEW YORK, NY—The College Board has discontinued the SAT, replacing the long-standing college admissions exam with a DNA test that traces your ancestral history and determines how oppressed you are.
The new method of college admissions will just figure out how oppressed or privileged you are and assign you an oppression score based on your racial background. Those with lots of marginalized ancestors will receive a high score, while those with evil, privileged ancestors will receive a low score. Prestigious schools such as Ivy League institutions will only consider applicants with an Oppression Score of 1500 or higher. Asian students start the test off with an automatic 500-point deduction, while white students are asked to leave the testing site immediately.
Students with oppression scores in the 1000-1200 range can probably get into a lame school for dumb people, while those under that might as well just go to community college.
For some elite schools, of course, this process is pretty much the same as what they're already doing, except that the institutions no longer have to pretend they're considering academic merit.
"This is going to be great for many students since they won't have to waste their time answering dumb math problems or doing obsolete things like 'reading' and 'writing,'" said a College Board spokesperson. "Now we can take a good look at you, swab your cheek, and then in 6-8 weeks we'll know if you're oppressed enough to go to college -- no studying required."
In addition, students who achieve low oppression/high privilege scores will be sent to an official College Board "Happy Fun Learning Center" for reeducation.
https://babylonbee.com/news/sat-to-be-replaced-with-dna-test-to-determine-how-oppressed-you-are