cancel2 2022
Canceled
I doubt if Tommy Cooper is well known in the States but he was noted for his one liners and magic tricks that went wrong.
Some are his and some are in his style, but updated.
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing
Dancing Queen on it I thought, 'That's
Aboriginal.'
> > -----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of
terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
> > ------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She
said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
> > -----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a
goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an
aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign
it is.'
> > ----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the
packet. 'Best before End'
> > ---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said
'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
> > ------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can
someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said
'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
> > --------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's
bi-satchel.
> > ------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened
of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
> > ---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't
remember his name, its P something T something R.
> > ----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I
couldn't put it down.
> > ----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who
answered just went on and on.
> > ---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think
of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you
paid me.'
> > --------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin
opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener
to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the
custard..'
> > ----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of
very thin paper He said, 'I want you to trace someone
for me..'
> > --------------------------
> > I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said,
> > 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll
> > give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
> > anything'
> > ----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can
I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm
not stopping you!'
> > --------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says
'Audi!'
> > --------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said,
'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah'
and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're
closest'
> > ------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he
told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened... I said 'I careered off the road'
> > ----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny:
you couldn't swing a cat in there.
> > -------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while
balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was
charged with shoplifting on two counts.
> > ------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller
said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on
telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
> > ---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me
how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are
you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays.'
> > --------------------------------
I went to
the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman
Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it
back tomorrow'
> > --------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?'
'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering,
exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing
special, sir. We just tell them straight out that
they're going to die.'
Some are his and some are in his style, but updated.
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing
Dancing Queen on it I thought, 'That's
Aboriginal.'
> > -----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of
terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
> > ------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She
said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
> > -----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a
goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an
aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign
it is.'
> > ----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the
packet. 'Best before End'
> > ---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said
'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
> > ------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can
someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said
'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
> > --------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's
bi-satchel.
> > ------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened
of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
> > ---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't
remember his name, its P something T something R.
> > ----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I
couldn't put it down.
> > ----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who
answered just went on and on.
> > ---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think
of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you
paid me.'
> > --------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin
opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener
to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the
custard..'
> > ----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of
very thin paper He said, 'I want you to trace someone
for me..'
> > --------------------------
> > I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said,
> > 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll
> > give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
> > anything'
> > ----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can
I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm
not stopping you!'
> > --------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says
'Audi!'
> > --------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said,
'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah'
and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're
closest'
> > ------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he
told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened... I said 'I careered off the road'
> > ----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny:
you couldn't swing a cat in there.
> > -------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while
balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was
charged with shoplifting on two counts.
> > ------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller
said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on
telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
> > ---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me
how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are
you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays.'
> > --------------------------------
I went to
the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman
Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it
back tomorrow'
> > --------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?'
'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering,
exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing
special, sir. We just tell them straight out that
they're going to die.'
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