Guno צְבִי
We fight, We win
It is well known that since at least the time of cavemen, and perhaps earlier according to some paleontologists, the time of Purim has always been reserved by institutions and organizations for making the most important announcements of the year. In fact, numerous cave drawings have been discovered over the past century attesting to the antiquity of this practice. Far be it from xxxxxx Congregation to veer from such a time-honored custom. And so, it has fallen to me to share with you some of the most exciting new technological initiatives upon which our congregation is embarking.
Like every large building, especially with a flat roof, from time-to-time xxxxxx Israel suffers from leaks which need to be repaired. A number of roofing possibilities have been discussed. The problem with nearly all of them is that they universally employ the traditional approaches of either repairing the existing roof or putting on a conventional new one. This means that no matter how durable it is, at some point it will be necessary to repair or replace that roof. However, I am thrilled to let you know that our congregation will be the first facility in the world to employ an exciting, new alternative that is just coming on the market. This product is called the HurriCanopy.
With HurriCanopy the entire roof and ceiling is removed and replaced by hyper-powerful fans which prevent any precipitation (or even passing debris) from entering the building. They create air speeds equivalent to a category 18 hurricane (which was another reason that the Board of Trustees was eager to adopt this, seeing 18=Chai as a heavenly sign that we should move in this direction). It utilizes multiple layers of redundancy and back-up generator systems to ensure that there is never a failure. It also has the Whirlwind super-quiet motor which produces a sound detectable only to anti-Semites. Since in the Biblical “Book of Job” the Almighty speaks to Job out of the whirlwind, this too seemed to the Board like another heavenly sign (i.e., that HurriCanopy employs the Whirlwind motor.)
One additional advantage of the HurriCanopy is that since there is no physical barrier between the building and the sky, wall lighting (which will be installed everywhere) is only necessary during night-time hours or when the sky is especially overcast. Because of the power of the HurriCanopy fans even would-be burglars are unable to access the building from the top. Remarkably, the projected cost is comparable to a conventional roof, and we expect to begin the work over the summer and have sufficient time to complete the project before Rosh Hashanah, which comes very late this year (i.e., early Tishrei).
I am also thrilled to announce that our congregation will be partnering with Google who are developing the first literal reading glasses; the Google Goggle. These will be new high-tech glasses which contain 2 tiny projectors to cast the image of a book directly into one’s eyes. A clip-on version will be available for those who already wear glasses. Because I know one of the lead engineers working on the project, I persuaded him to make a new Jewish prayerbook one of the first publications available for use with the Google Goggle.
Our current Siddur is roughly two decades old. In addition to their deteriorating physical condition, the desire for more up-to-date English translations, and other considerations, many congregants have complained of the increasing weight of the books as they accumulate more and more imbedded dust from age, which cannot be removed (and under most conditions not even seen). So, we will also be the first synagogue to use “Siddur Google Goggle.” When congregants come to pray, instead of grabbing a prayerbook, they will take a pair of these new wearable devices.
This technology has the ability to monitor the brainwaves of the wearer to determine the rate at which they pray (whether in Hebrew or in English) and automatically scroll the text as required. This advanced eyewear also has the advantage that should the worshipper not be actively praying it will project a noxious image into their eyes forcing them to return to sincere and soulful prayer. Additionally, should someone remove their glasses in the sanctuary or chapel, in an attempt to avoid worshipping, the advanced technology will transmit the name of that person to the glasses of everyone else in the room. The automatic nature of all functions in “Siddur Google Goggle” will make them useable even by traditionally observant Jews who do not turn on and off electronic devices on Shabbat. The Religious Committee is convinced that these new devices will lead to easier, increasingly meaningful, and more compliant worship.
The Board of Trustees and I hope you are as excited by these initiatives as I am. Watch for new announcements next year, as well. By then we hope to revolutionize our Religious School program with technology being developed in Israel by their most prominent institute of technology, the Technion. If current beta-testing is successful we will be able to replace our entire educational program with a deep-brain implant which can be surgically placed in the brains of all our students and which will contain our entire Judaic and Hebrew curriculum. We are working to ensure that this would fit into the cost of our current tuition structure. However, it is anticipated that there would be an additional charge for the B’nai Mitzvah module.
Currently, I am the primary subject for the beta-testing of this technology, having been implanted with a special module that satisfies all of the requirements of my rabbinical studies. I am evaluated regularly for any sign of flights of imagination and psychosis. As you can tell from this special Purim edition of my newsletter article, I am happy to report that I continue to be entirely sane.
Like every large building, especially with a flat roof, from time-to-time xxxxxx Israel suffers from leaks which need to be repaired. A number of roofing possibilities have been discussed. The problem with nearly all of them is that they universally employ the traditional approaches of either repairing the existing roof or putting on a conventional new one. This means that no matter how durable it is, at some point it will be necessary to repair or replace that roof. However, I am thrilled to let you know that our congregation will be the first facility in the world to employ an exciting, new alternative that is just coming on the market. This product is called the HurriCanopy.
With HurriCanopy the entire roof and ceiling is removed and replaced by hyper-powerful fans which prevent any precipitation (or even passing debris) from entering the building. They create air speeds equivalent to a category 18 hurricane (which was another reason that the Board of Trustees was eager to adopt this, seeing 18=Chai as a heavenly sign that we should move in this direction). It utilizes multiple layers of redundancy and back-up generator systems to ensure that there is never a failure. It also has the Whirlwind super-quiet motor which produces a sound detectable only to anti-Semites. Since in the Biblical “Book of Job” the Almighty speaks to Job out of the whirlwind, this too seemed to the Board like another heavenly sign (i.e., that HurriCanopy employs the Whirlwind motor.)
One additional advantage of the HurriCanopy is that since there is no physical barrier between the building and the sky, wall lighting (which will be installed everywhere) is only necessary during night-time hours or when the sky is especially overcast. Because of the power of the HurriCanopy fans even would-be burglars are unable to access the building from the top. Remarkably, the projected cost is comparable to a conventional roof, and we expect to begin the work over the summer and have sufficient time to complete the project before Rosh Hashanah, which comes very late this year (i.e., early Tishrei).
I am also thrilled to announce that our congregation will be partnering with Google who are developing the first literal reading glasses; the Google Goggle. These will be new high-tech glasses which contain 2 tiny projectors to cast the image of a book directly into one’s eyes. A clip-on version will be available for those who already wear glasses. Because I know one of the lead engineers working on the project, I persuaded him to make a new Jewish prayerbook one of the first publications available for use with the Google Goggle.
Our current Siddur is roughly two decades old. In addition to their deteriorating physical condition, the desire for more up-to-date English translations, and other considerations, many congregants have complained of the increasing weight of the books as they accumulate more and more imbedded dust from age, which cannot be removed (and under most conditions not even seen). So, we will also be the first synagogue to use “Siddur Google Goggle.” When congregants come to pray, instead of grabbing a prayerbook, they will take a pair of these new wearable devices.
This technology has the ability to monitor the brainwaves of the wearer to determine the rate at which they pray (whether in Hebrew or in English) and automatically scroll the text as required. This advanced eyewear also has the advantage that should the worshipper not be actively praying it will project a noxious image into their eyes forcing them to return to sincere and soulful prayer. Additionally, should someone remove their glasses in the sanctuary or chapel, in an attempt to avoid worshipping, the advanced technology will transmit the name of that person to the glasses of everyone else in the room. The automatic nature of all functions in “Siddur Google Goggle” will make them useable even by traditionally observant Jews who do not turn on and off electronic devices on Shabbat. The Religious Committee is convinced that these new devices will lead to easier, increasingly meaningful, and more compliant worship.
The Board of Trustees and I hope you are as excited by these initiatives as I am. Watch for new announcements next year, as well. By then we hope to revolutionize our Religious School program with technology being developed in Israel by their most prominent institute of technology, the Technion. If current beta-testing is successful we will be able to replace our entire educational program with a deep-brain implant which can be surgically placed in the brains of all our students and which will contain our entire Judaic and Hebrew curriculum. We are working to ensure that this would fit into the cost of our current tuition structure. However, it is anticipated that there would be an additional charge for the B’nai Mitzvah module.
Currently, I am the primary subject for the beta-testing of this technology, having been implanted with a special module that satisfies all of the requirements of my rabbinical studies. I am evaluated regularly for any sign of flights of imagination and psychosis. As you can tell from this special Purim edition of my newsletter article, I am happy to report that I continue to be entirely sane.
