Laugh @ leftists with Legion

[Legion]

Young Communist Unsettled To Find Hammer, Sickle Represent Physical Labor


According to sources, high-school senior and avowed radical communist Kazden McChitterly is "a bit unsettled" after discovering the hammer and sickle from the insignia he proudly wears on his t-shirts and knit hats represents hard physical labor.

"Wait-- that's an actual hammer? Like the kind you swing?" said McChitterly nervously. "Like-- you have to use it while doing really difficult work? I don't know about this."

Witnesses say he grew even more uncomfortable when he found out about the sickle. "I thought it was just a weapon used to gloriously cut down our capitalist foes!" he exclaimed after discovering it was actually used to gather grain for the government during 20-hour workdays in the bitter cold.

"I'm not sure about this communism thing anymore," he said. "Sounds kinda hard."

He relaxed, however, after his history teacher explained that "democratic communism" hasn't yet been tried and is way better than the old communism that involved a lot of work and starvation.

"Whew! That sounds better!" said McChitterly.



https://babylonbee.com/news/young-communist-unsettled-to-find-hammer-sickle-represent-physical-labor

 

[Legion]

Woman Who Thought Being A Princess Was Too Hard Wants To Run For President

The former Duchess of Sussex, who left the royal family after realizing how hard it was to be a princess, is now eyeing a presidential run. According to sources, Meghan Markle is networking with DEMOCRAT leaders for a possible shot at becoming America's first female president.

"Being a princess was, like, the absolute worst," said Markle to some trusted political consultants. "There were so many things to do, and so many annoying obligations I had to fulfill. I think being President of the United States will be much easier. Let's do that instead!"

Experts say that Markle may be the most qualified presidential candidate to ever run for office since she is a woman of color.

"Meghan Markle may be the one to finally save America and get all those migrant kids out of cages," said local Meghan Markle enthusiast Camy Fumbertook. "Obama was a letdown, and Biden was a letdown, but I think Markle will be totally different due to her womanness and person-of-colorness."

In a statement, Biden announced support of Markle's future run. "Don't worry, sweetie," he said as he descended his basement stairs for another nap. "The presidency is way easier than being a princess."

https://babylonbee.com/news/woman-who-thought-being-a-princess-was-too-hard-plans-to-run-for-president

 

[Legion]

Surviving WW2 Veteran Recounts Harrowing Story Of The Lack Of Trans Representation On D-Day

One of the last surviving veterans who survived the D-Day invasion, Otto Bernard, opened up to reporters recently to tell his harrowing story of the bloody fight against entrenched German forces on Omaha Beach. According to Bernard, his terrifying experience was made even worse by a complete lack of trans representation among the soldiers.

"I landed with the 29th division in the first wave," said Bernard with a far-off look in his eyes. "As the DD Tanks hit the beach, we were showered with machine-gun fire that tore us to pieces."

"And as I looked around, I realized to my horror that there was a complete lack of trans representation. Just a bunch of biological men. Heck-- there weren't even any women." he said as tears formed and his voice began to shake.

"I'm totally embarrassed to have been a part of it," he said quietly. "We were wrong to thumb our noses at the value of diversity. Imagine how much better the invasion would have gone if we had a few women or at least a couple of trans-women with us. I'm so ashamed..."

Bernard, who was overcome with emotion, asked to cut the interview short. He has volunteered himself for a diversity training program to help atone for his sin.


https://babylonbee.com/news/surviving-ww2-vet-recounts-harrowing-story-of-the-lack-of-trans-representation-on-d-day

 

[Legion]

Asians Asked To Be Less Successful To Stop Ruining Racial Narrative

There is a long-successful narrative about race in this country: Racism of the past has led to structural racism, which keeps minorities from being successful. It seems really, really true, but one group continually causes problems for that narrative: Asians.

Asians in the U.S. have faced terrible discrimination in the past and continue to face discrimination today, and yet they continue to do even better academically and financially than white people -- the bad race that oppresses everyone. Woke activists are trying to put an end to this with a campaign urging Asians to be less successful so the simple racial narrative can prevail.

“It’s really inconsiderate,” said activist Howard Morrison, a white person who prides himself on caring more about racial issues than even most minorities. “No minority is supposed to be able to succeed until all white people learn to check their privilege. If minorities are successful anyway, it gets harder to guilt white people and just makes things more difficult for everyone.”

The new campaign is called, “You’re Not Allowed to Succeed Yet.” It’s specifically aimed at Asians but also applies to any minority doing well before structural racism is ended. The campaign has a phone number to report any successful minority, who will then be educated on how important it is that minorities wait for white people to fix things before any of them do well. A number of top universities have already signed on to the campaign and are helping out by limiting the number of Asians they admit.


https://babylonbee.com/news/asians-asked-to-be-less-successful-to-stop-ruining-racial-narrative

 

[Legion]

Migrant Child Dreams Of Someday Crossing Border To Enjoy Dr. Seuss Books, Pepe Le Pew Cartoons, Aunt Jemima Pancakes


According to sources on the U.S./Mexico border, scores of young children are attempting to cross into the U.S. and fulfill their lifelong dream of enjoying American pastimes like reading Dr. Seuss books, watching Pepe Le Pew cartoons, and eating Aunt Jemima pancakes.

"I'm so excited!" said 8-year-old migrant Juan in broken English as he approached the border. "All my life I have dreamed of eating hot, fluffy Aunt Jemima pancakes, or sitting down to read my favorite Dr. Seuss book Oh, The Places You'll Go!"

Juan also told reporters he has always been a die-hard fan of the American football team the Washington Redskins, and can't wait to see his favorite team play in person. "I love watching them play!" he said. "Almost as much as I love watching the Cleveland Indians play baseball!"

Unfortunately, President Biden detained poor Juan at the border and told him to "go back home."

"I'm not giving up!" said Juan to reporters. "If I keep trying, I hope I will make it into America in time to watch the next season of The Mandalorian starring my favorite actress, Gina Carano!"


https://babylonbee.com/news/migrant-child-dreams-of-someday-crossing-border-to-enjoy-dr-seuss-books-pepe-le-pew-cartoons-aunt-jemima-pancakes

 

[jakemax]

 

[jakemax]

 

[jakemax]

 

[Legion]

Compassionate Biden Moves Children From Cages Into Humane High-Security Metal Containment Cubes