cawacko
Well-known member
This is very important information that all men must know and adhere to.
For practice try this link: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/urinal
Man Law Primer: On Men's Room Etiquette
Being both a man as well as a student of American popular culture, I consider myself to be well-versed in the (mostly) unspoken Man Law. Today I would like to review my understanding of Man Law as it pertains to proper protocol in the men's restroom.
I have gathered data by aggregating personal experience, online research, and interviews with several male friends, family members, and work associates. Furthermore, I encourage all men (and heck, women too) in my readership to leave additions and suggestions in the comments portion of this post. Shall we begin?
Rule #1: No Unnecessary Communication
My wife tells me that she and other women often chitter-chatter while they make water in the ladies' room stall toilets. While this behavior may be perfectly acceptable for many women, it is nonetheless in clear violation of Man Law for guys to do this. Accordingly, unnecessary conversation should be strictly avoided by men sharing a public restroom.
The men's room is a place to "do your business" and get the hell out of there. It is not a lounge. To that end, read this bit from MetaFilter:
There are a few folks here at work who, upon recognizing your footwear in the stall, will happily chat about the issues and workplace goings-on du jour whilst performing their duties at the urinal.
Wigs. Me. Out.
No doubt. I have had this happen to me before, and it never ceases to make me feel profoundly uncomfortable. How freaky is it that some thoughtless colleague ascertained my identity by scanning my shoes beneath the stall door?
Another Class A infringement of Man Law in general and men's room etiquette in particular is the practice of speaking on the cell phone while using the john. This isn't right, friends. Do you want to discuss your dinner plans with your wife to the happy strains of a stranger's bowel sounds? Besides, this communication breaks the 'veil of silence' that must govern all men's room interactions.
Rule #2: Observe Free Space in the Urinal Row
You will find many, many Flash-based urinal games and text-based tutorials (here's a good one) on how men should approach the question of which urinal to use based upon (a) the number of urinals available; and (b) the number of men currently standing at one or more than one of them.
The basic rule, simply stated, is that you want to allow for the maximum amount of free space between yourself and another man wherever you are in the men's room. In particular, this Man Law prescribes that that you never, ever use a urinal immediately adjacent to an occupied urinal if there is another one available that is farther away.
From the Men's Room Bible we have another horrible "gotcha" dealing with the concept of free space in the men's room:
Now, in spite of the many years of evolution in the urinal manufacturing process, urinals are just not splatter proof. Every once in a while, you feel a little bit of your own drippings hitting your sandaled feet. And guys, let's face it—we just don't care. It'll dry off, and our feet smell enough for odor to not even be an issue. No big deal. Unless...it's somebody else's.
No man ever wants to be touched by another man's pee. Period. This isn't even a commandment—this is just common sense. Years and years of territorial peeing have bred this fact into male mammals. My pee: good. Your pee: bad. It's simple enough.
Rule #3: Avoid Eye Contact
Man Law states that eye contact (especially between strangers) must be kept to a minimum while you inhabit the men's room. I'm not sure how much of this law is rooted in homophobia, but the law exists nonetheless.
When standing at the urinal, a man must stare either straight ahead at the wall or perhaps up toward the ceiling. He should not observe his "junk," and above all else he needs to avoid turning his head to look at another man standing at another urinal. Not cool.
Corollary to Rule #2 and Rule #3 is the notion that intentional man-to-man physical contact is a fundamental breach of Man Law. Brushing shoulders with a man standing at the urinal beside you is a prickly (pun intended) situation, indeed.
Here is some backup from another source:
Central to urinal etiquette is the 'veil of silence' that descends upon men in public bathrooms. Female friends have, on occasion, reported actually speaking to each other between stalls, which is frankly inconceivable in the men’s room environment. Male best friends, or even brothers, upon meeting in the bathroom will usually ignore each other completely, perhaps acknowledging each other with a subtle nod. Strangers in the bathroom will never speak to one another, unless politeness dictates a curt 'excuse me.'
You have heard of the "thousand-yard stare," right? Well, with respect to men's room etiquette, the "wall stare" is a cardinal rule—don't catch yourself violating it, okay?
I simply cannot stress this enough: we men do not intentionally touch each other while in the men's room. It is that simple. Check this out:
Well, the way he told it, he went to the bathroom and said hello to this dude that he thought he knew by slapping him on the ass, and saying something really queer. He scared the dude so much the dude pissed all over his own leg. My buddy apologized and told him that he thought that he was someone else. Then whilst my buddy was pissing the other dude just started waling on his head. My buddy no longer touches people...ever.
Rule #4: Unzip, Don't Pull Down
To my mind, there is nothing cornier and more unnecessary than unbuckling one's belt and opening one's pants in order to take a piss. We men have zippers on our drawers for a reason, people.
This is from the Ex-Donkey blog:
Dudes, pants have these things called zippers. Their purpose is allow access for ol' one-eye to the urinal. Granted it's a little easier if you wear boxers but if you can't figure out how to move aside the flaps on a pair of briefs to let your meat-puppet see the light of day maybe it's time to change your style of underwear.
There is nothing more annoying in a men's room (outside of stupid conversation) than to have some guy walk up beside you and go through the trouble of unbuckling his belt, unsnapping his snap (or unbuttoning his button), unzipping his fly, untucking his shirt and yanking the whole works down to his knees just to take a whiz! Is he afraid of actually touching it? Maybe he figures then he won't have to bother washing his hands.
Incidentally, breaking this Man Law simultaneously violated Rule #7, which we will discuss later on in this blog post.
Rule #5: Wash Your Hands. Always.
You remember the Zen koan: "Does a tree falling in a forest make a sound?" Along those lines, do you wash your hands even if you are alone in a public men's room?
How many times have you been in the men's room and observed (in your peripheral vision, of course) a man pop out of a stall only to dash out of the men's room without washing his hands? Disgusting.
I swear, one of these days if I am ever in the situation where I need to interact with one of these men I will refuse to shake his hand, exclaiming "I'm sorry, I can't shake hands with someone who doesn't wash his hands after using the rest room."
Hell, even the cursory "turn the faucet on for three seconds" courtesy hand-wash is better than nothing, guys. C'mon. At the least, we men need to make a strong showing of washing our hands whenever we visit a public men's room, especially if we used a stall to evacuate our bowels.
Rule #6: Peeing While Sitting Down is For Sissies
In my anecdotal research and life experience, the only time that it is acceptable for a man to sit down in a stall when he pees is if the man is already in the stall to defecate. That is to say, any man who sits down upon a toilet to pee only, barring some biological/physical requirement to do so, transgresses Man Law in a fundamental way.
The author of the Self-Aggrandizement blog performs a lovely analysis of public men's room culture. He goes on to explain why he feels these tacit men's room Man Laws exist in the first place:
Obviously, the normative social influence of urinal etiquette is quite strong. The more interesting question is why. In my opinion, the source of these norms is the biologically driven instinct of self preservation. Culturally, we are conditioned to feel most exposed when naked; pants unzipped, using the urinal, people feel particularly vulnerable. Without any physical divide between the urinal user and others, the urinal user creates personal space in an effort to feel safe.
...
Unlike in other social situations, where an invasion of personal space would simply trigger movement away to reestablish a comfortable boundary, the urinal user is fairly stationary. Except for shifting body orientation, there is very little that can be done to reestablish personal space once that space has been violated. This explains the stronger reactions from the subjects that I spoke to or looked at; their personal space violated once physically, violating their cognitive personal space moments later constituted an inescapable double invasion. Clearly, the issue of personal space is at the root of urinal behavior.
Rule #7: Don't Draw Attention to Yourself
To repeat, the unspoken rule of "doing business" in the men's room is that you want to get in, make your deposit(s), and get the hell out as quickly and efficiently as possible. Loud sighs, extraneous farts, or other strange bodily gestures serve to distract your fellow men in the rest room and draw unfavorable attention to yourself. You don't want this, believe me.
Again, let the Men's Room Bible educate us:
There is a gentleman at my office who I have taken note of for one reason and one reason only: his bathroom behavior. Every time I see this gentleman in the restroom, he draws my attention—an absolute no-no for the men's room.
This man walks up to the urinal, undoes his belt, and undoes his pants such that no hands are necessary for him to perform the task at hand. He then sticks his hands in his back pockets, and without fail, loudly releases some pent up gas before completing his task. The "hands in back pockets" position is unusual enough. The monster fart puts him over the top.
I once worked in the same office building as a dude who would perform a variation of the posture that the Men's Room Bible guy spoke about: This individual leaned over the urinal when he peed, placing his body weight upon both of his hands. In other words, the man's body was positioned exactly like a suspect about to be "patted down" by a police officer. Highly distracting, and highly disturbing.
Most men instinctively adhere to the Man Law that states "Don't Look into the Mirror for More than Five Seconds." This illustration comes to us via Ubersite:
Plain and simple. If you violate this rule, you're either a pretty boy or a girl. Your hair looks fine, your pimples didn't go away over night, and you still need to floss. One glance to confirm, and vacate the premises. You're probably in my way, because I want to wash my hands.
http://www.mtannoyances.com/?p=792
For practice try this link: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/urinal
Man Law Primer: On Men's Room Etiquette
Being both a man as well as a student of American popular culture, I consider myself to be well-versed in the (mostly) unspoken Man Law. Today I would like to review my understanding of Man Law as it pertains to proper protocol in the men's restroom.
I have gathered data by aggregating personal experience, online research, and interviews with several male friends, family members, and work associates. Furthermore, I encourage all men (and heck, women too) in my readership to leave additions and suggestions in the comments portion of this post. Shall we begin?
Rule #1: No Unnecessary Communication
My wife tells me that she and other women often chitter-chatter while they make water in the ladies' room stall toilets. While this behavior may be perfectly acceptable for many women, it is nonetheless in clear violation of Man Law for guys to do this. Accordingly, unnecessary conversation should be strictly avoided by men sharing a public restroom.
The men's room is a place to "do your business" and get the hell out of there. It is not a lounge. To that end, read this bit from MetaFilter:
There are a few folks here at work who, upon recognizing your footwear in the stall, will happily chat about the issues and workplace goings-on du jour whilst performing their duties at the urinal.
Wigs. Me. Out.
No doubt. I have had this happen to me before, and it never ceases to make me feel profoundly uncomfortable. How freaky is it that some thoughtless colleague ascertained my identity by scanning my shoes beneath the stall door?
Another Class A infringement of Man Law in general and men's room etiquette in particular is the practice of speaking on the cell phone while using the john. This isn't right, friends. Do you want to discuss your dinner plans with your wife to the happy strains of a stranger's bowel sounds? Besides, this communication breaks the 'veil of silence' that must govern all men's room interactions.
Rule #2: Observe Free Space in the Urinal Row
You will find many, many Flash-based urinal games and text-based tutorials (here's a good one) on how men should approach the question of which urinal to use based upon (a) the number of urinals available; and (b) the number of men currently standing at one or more than one of them.
The basic rule, simply stated, is that you want to allow for the maximum amount of free space between yourself and another man wherever you are in the men's room. In particular, this Man Law prescribes that that you never, ever use a urinal immediately adjacent to an occupied urinal if there is another one available that is farther away.
From the Men's Room Bible we have another horrible "gotcha" dealing with the concept of free space in the men's room:
Now, in spite of the many years of evolution in the urinal manufacturing process, urinals are just not splatter proof. Every once in a while, you feel a little bit of your own drippings hitting your sandaled feet. And guys, let's face it—we just don't care. It'll dry off, and our feet smell enough for odor to not even be an issue. No big deal. Unless...it's somebody else's.
No man ever wants to be touched by another man's pee. Period. This isn't even a commandment—this is just common sense. Years and years of territorial peeing have bred this fact into male mammals. My pee: good. Your pee: bad. It's simple enough.
Rule #3: Avoid Eye Contact
Man Law states that eye contact (especially between strangers) must be kept to a minimum while you inhabit the men's room. I'm not sure how much of this law is rooted in homophobia, but the law exists nonetheless.
When standing at the urinal, a man must stare either straight ahead at the wall or perhaps up toward the ceiling. He should not observe his "junk," and above all else he needs to avoid turning his head to look at another man standing at another urinal. Not cool.
Corollary to Rule #2 and Rule #3 is the notion that intentional man-to-man physical contact is a fundamental breach of Man Law. Brushing shoulders with a man standing at the urinal beside you is a prickly (pun intended) situation, indeed.
Here is some backup from another source:
Central to urinal etiquette is the 'veil of silence' that descends upon men in public bathrooms. Female friends have, on occasion, reported actually speaking to each other between stalls, which is frankly inconceivable in the men’s room environment. Male best friends, or even brothers, upon meeting in the bathroom will usually ignore each other completely, perhaps acknowledging each other with a subtle nod. Strangers in the bathroom will never speak to one another, unless politeness dictates a curt 'excuse me.'
You have heard of the "thousand-yard stare," right? Well, with respect to men's room etiquette, the "wall stare" is a cardinal rule—don't catch yourself violating it, okay?
I simply cannot stress this enough: we men do not intentionally touch each other while in the men's room. It is that simple. Check this out:
Well, the way he told it, he went to the bathroom and said hello to this dude that he thought he knew by slapping him on the ass, and saying something really queer. He scared the dude so much the dude pissed all over his own leg. My buddy apologized and told him that he thought that he was someone else. Then whilst my buddy was pissing the other dude just started waling on his head. My buddy no longer touches people...ever.
Rule #4: Unzip, Don't Pull Down
To my mind, there is nothing cornier and more unnecessary than unbuckling one's belt and opening one's pants in order to take a piss. We men have zippers on our drawers for a reason, people.
This is from the Ex-Donkey blog:
Dudes, pants have these things called zippers. Their purpose is allow access for ol' one-eye to the urinal. Granted it's a little easier if you wear boxers but if you can't figure out how to move aside the flaps on a pair of briefs to let your meat-puppet see the light of day maybe it's time to change your style of underwear.
There is nothing more annoying in a men's room (outside of stupid conversation) than to have some guy walk up beside you and go through the trouble of unbuckling his belt, unsnapping his snap (or unbuttoning his button), unzipping his fly, untucking his shirt and yanking the whole works down to his knees just to take a whiz! Is he afraid of actually touching it? Maybe he figures then he won't have to bother washing his hands.
Incidentally, breaking this Man Law simultaneously violated Rule #7, which we will discuss later on in this blog post.
Rule #5: Wash Your Hands. Always.
You remember the Zen koan: "Does a tree falling in a forest make a sound?" Along those lines, do you wash your hands even if you are alone in a public men's room?
How many times have you been in the men's room and observed (in your peripheral vision, of course) a man pop out of a stall only to dash out of the men's room without washing his hands? Disgusting.
I swear, one of these days if I am ever in the situation where I need to interact with one of these men I will refuse to shake his hand, exclaiming "I'm sorry, I can't shake hands with someone who doesn't wash his hands after using the rest room."
Hell, even the cursory "turn the faucet on for three seconds" courtesy hand-wash is better than nothing, guys. C'mon. At the least, we men need to make a strong showing of washing our hands whenever we visit a public men's room, especially if we used a stall to evacuate our bowels.
Rule #6: Peeing While Sitting Down is For Sissies
In my anecdotal research and life experience, the only time that it is acceptable for a man to sit down in a stall when he pees is if the man is already in the stall to defecate. That is to say, any man who sits down upon a toilet to pee only, barring some biological/physical requirement to do so, transgresses Man Law in a fundamental way.
The author of the Self-Aggrandizement blog performs a lovely analysis of public men's room culture. He goes on to explain why he feels these tacit men's room Man Laws exist in the first place:
Obviously, the normative social influence of urinal etiquette is quite strong. The more interesting question is why. In my opinion, the source of these norms is the biologically driven instinct of self preservation. Culturally, we are conditioned to feel most exposed when naked; pants unzipped, using the urinal, people feel particularly vulnerable. Without any physical divide between the urinal user and others, the urinal user creates personal space in an effort to feel safe.
...
Unlike in other social situations, where an invasion of personal space would simply trigger movement away to reestablish a comfortable boundary, the urinal user is fairly stationary. Except for shifting body orientation, there is very little that can be done to reestablish personal space once that space has been violated. This explains the stronger reactions from the subjects that I spoke to or looked at; their personal space violated once physically, violating their cognitive personal space moments later constituted an inescapable double invasion. Clearly, the issue of personal space is at the root of urinal behavior.
Rule #7: Don't Draw Attention to Yourself
To repeat, the unspoken rule of "doing business" in the men's room is that you want to get in, make your deposit(s), and get the hell out as quickly and efficiently as possible. Loud sighs, extraneous farts, or other strange bodily gestures serve to distract your fellow men in the rest room and draw unfavorable attention to yourself. You don't want this, believe me.
Again, let the Men's Room Bible educate us:
There is a gentleman at my office who I have taken note of for one reason and one reason only: his bathroom behavior. Every time I see this gentleman in the restroom, he draws my attention—an absolute no-no for the men's room.
This man walks up to the urinal, undoes his belt, and undoes his pants such that no hands are necessary for him to perform the task at hand. He then sticks his hands in his back pockets, and without fail, loudly releases some pent up gas before completing his task. The "hands in back pockets" position is unusual enough. The monster fart puts him over the top.
I once worked in the same office building as a dude who would perform a variation of the posture that the Men's Room Bible guy spoke about: This individual leaned over the urinal when he peed, placing his body weight upon both of his hands. In other words, the man's body was positioned exactly like a suspect about to be "patted down" by a police officer. Highly distracting, and highly disturbing.
Most men instinctively adhere to the Man Law that states "Don't Look into the Mirror for More than Five Seconds." This illustration comes to us via Ubersite:
Plain and simple. If you violate this rule, you're either a pretty boy or a girl. Your hair looks fine, your pimples didn't go away over night, and you still need to floss. One glance to confirm, and vacate the premises. You're probably in my way, because I want to wash my hands.
http://www.mtannoyances.com/?p=792
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