My Attempt At A Political Song

B

Blake Allyn

Verified User
Just looking for some feedback for a song I wrote, link is below. Negative or positive comments welcome!! Really just want criticism to improve. Thanks in advance.



 
Well you need to do some serious word smithing on the lyrics. Simplify them and clarify you message. At times the lyrics don't mesh with your rhythm. It's also kind of difficult to follow your message.

Also, you need a hook or chorus or refrain. you know..."Hey, hey, my, my." "Old Man look at your self" "Smoke on the water, fire in the sky", use a short chord progression to lead you into the chorus/hook/refrain then amplify that with a solid instrumental hook....thnk "like a rolling stone" or "With or with out you" then create a bass line that can lead you back into the front of your lyrics.

Otherwise you just have three chords going no where and some rambling lyrics. Your chord progression on your rhythm is nice but it just needs that hook/chorus/refrain. Nomesayin? If you want a folk music example then "This land is your land" would be a good example of the kind of hook that would fit your musical style.

AND FOR GOD'S SAKES DON"T TAKE ANY ADVICE FROM THE TRINITY ON MUSIC!!! That would kill your song for sure.
 
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Thats great advice and I appreciate you taking the time to write it.

I have been trying, I just cant quite get the chords for the hook yet. But you are right its a crucial misisng piece and my diction sucks.
 
no. no. no. take that shit down to the front lines of the resistance. just no. try to just clearly speak what you believe. it works well.
 
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I thought the harmonica intro was way too long. By the time the singing started I was getting bored and ready to just turn it off.

I can't speak to the lyrics because I couldn't understand a word you sang. Your words are very muddled and muddy. Try singing a bit louder and more clearly.

Otherwise, it sounded very folky and might go over well performed live at political rallies, but I wouldn't count on getting a record deal or appearing on the late night talk shows with it.
 
Nomad said:
I thought the harmonica intro was way too long. By the time the singing started I was getting bored and ready to just turn it off.

I can't speak to the lyrics because I couldn't understand a word you sang. Your words are very muddled and muddy. Try singing a bit louder and more clearly.

Otherwise, it sounded very folky and might go over well performed live at political rallies, but I wouldn't count on getting a record deal or appearing on the late night talk shows with it.
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I appreciate the feedback. Maybe I'll try and shorten the harmonica part up. My diction sucks!
 
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