Times are grim if you're a Republican voter—your precious Grand Old Party has been hijacked by an orange fascist, his main challenger is mostly known for being despised by everyone he meets, and an ugly nomination fight at the convention is looming.
But you have options! Sure, Jeb! Bush and Marco Rubio and Rand Paul and Chris Christie have all failed spectacularly, but there are a host of sixth-tier candidates out there quietly begging for your vote, existing as a final alternative to the inevitability of Donald Trump.
Michael Bickelmeyer is an Ohioan whose campaign website mostly consists of a haphazard collection of PDFs, only some of which are relevant to his tilting-at-windmills bid for the presidency. His sparsely adorned homepage features a lifeless American flag .JPEG and a photo of a basically normal-looking white man (Bickelmeyer presumably) forcing a prom-gone-wrong smile. Beneath are the sinister words: "MILES OF SMILES!"
The most notable PDF in Bickelmeyer's arsenal is his patent for "A Gift for Children," which is what he calls an "orbital weapons system" that would direct "magnified sunrays" to "eliminate a single combatant with the variable to eliminate entire countries." This is supposedly designed for uses such as pest control (what?), and the wars on drugs and terrorism.
When he describes the project, Bickelmeyer seems to believe that this thing is going to make the world a safer place; he says it's a "device to let allow and permit children to enjoy a spring breeze, play with the leaves of fall, and feel the bite of winter upon their faces, in a carefree manner without concerns. The invention is designed to erase from the world the spirits of dread and nightmare, and utilize pest-control."
Also, his drug policy is just a screenshot of an email conversation with a guy named Hal where he says legalizing weed would be bad.
http://www.vice.com/read/meet-the-strangest-republicans-running-for-president
