The Lazlo Toth Letters

[Mott the Hoople]

President George W. Bush
The White House
Washington, DC 20502

Re: Your Stem-Cell Veto

Dear President Bush:

It’s me again, your old friend and supporter, Lazlo Toth. I haven’t written you in quite a while, but I was so moved by your principled veto of stem-cell research, that I felt compelled to once again pick up my pen and give you a written pat on the back.

It took courage for you to veto that bill. I saw it all on Fox News. There you were, standing up there all alone on that podium (except for those people from “Adopt-An-Embryo” holding those babies). You were defiantly saying “No!” – when even your friends (like Dr. Bill Frist and Orrin Hatch) had buckled under to liberal pressure and voted against you. It was so inspirational watching you! I was moved. Like I tearfully told my wife, Elzbeta, you were a real “Profile in Courage”.

You and I both know it takes a lot of guts to say “No!” when almost everybody else says you’re being a fool or an idiot. That’s what I like about you. You’re not afraid to go your own way when the best minds in the country are saying you are all wrong. You have real spine, backbone, and intestinal fortitude (not the artificial kind grown in some laboratory somewhere!)

You have to admit, however, that this stem-cell thing is controversial. Hopefully you’ll not be too hard on Dr. Bill and Orrin for not seeing things your way on this one. Heck, stem cell research has even been controversial in my own household. You see, for years, I’ve suffered from the nagging pain and itch of hemorrhoids. Many’s the time I’ve wished that science could develop a cure for that. Elzbeta has often pointed out that maybe stem-cell research might hold some hope for me too.

But I’m totally with you on this one. If it’s a matter of my hemorrhoids or a living blastocyst swimming around somewhere in a Petrie dish, well, to my mind the blastocyst wins! Those embryos may be teesie-weensie little thingies with fish-eyes and gills and funny little tails, but they still have souls and if they still were in some womb or uterus or whatever, there’s a chance that they’d grow up to be Republicans -- just like you and me! (That’s assuming you just didn’t throw them away, of course – like all those abortion clinics do with them).

Anyway, thank God for being the moral guy you are! Human life trumps everything in my book! Keep up the good work. We’re all pulling for you here in Hoosierland!

Your loyal friend,

Lazlo Toth

Voting for Republicans (both indicted and unindicted) since 1952!

P.S. Keep on bombing the hell out of those damned Hezbollah terrorists! No cease fire! Kill them! Show them no mercy! They don’t deserve to live!

 

[Norman Paperman]

I have an autographed copy of the original Lazlo Letters. Lazlo Toth is the pseudonym used by Don Novello, aka Father Guido Sarduchi. In the original collection, he included letters to Richard Nixon, KFC, M&M Mars, Sammy Davis Jr., Gerald Ford, Bebe Rebozo, Generalissimo Francisco Franco, The Gold Seal Company (makers of Mr. Bubble), just to name a few. He also included the responses he recieved. Damn funny.

If you can find a copy, it's worth the read. Especially the responses. It was published in 1977.

 

[Mott the Hoople]

I have an autographed copy of the original Lazlo Letters. Lazlo Toth is the pseudonym used by Don Novello, aka Father Guido Sarduchi. In the original collection, he included letters to Richard Nixon, KFC, M&M Mars, Sammy Davis Jr., Gerald Ford, Bebe Rebozo, Generalissimo Francisco Franco, The Gold Seal Company (makers of Mr. Bubble), just to name a few. He also included the responses he recieved. Damn funny.

If you can find a copy, it's worth the read. Especially the responses. It was published in 1977.

Novello went to college in the same town I did. Dayton, Ohio.

Interestingly, there is a real Lazlo Toth. He was an Australian who attacked Michelangelo's Pieta with a hammer during a ceremony at the Vatican while wearing a Tuxedo and shouting "I am Jesus". While that incident was occuring Novelo had been arrested nearby in his Guido Sarducci guise by the Swiss Guard for impersonating a priest. LOL

I think the Lazlo Letters are a national treasure. He just recently published another book of them called "From Bush to Bush". I haven't read that but the letter I posted was an exerpt. I mean not only are his letters a scathing satire of Nixonian right wing America but the responses to his letters are gut bustingly hillareous.