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Trump Launches Tiered Subscription Makeup Service For Men: “Real Men Wear Makeup”
Mar-a-Lago, FL - Donald J. Trump has announced the launch of “Real Men Wear Makeup”, a tiered subscription beauty service tailored for the rugged, red-blooded, macho American man who works hard but still wants to look great.
At a press conference, Trump passionately declared, “We are taking makeup back from the woke left. I want every farmer, autoworker, truck driver, and hillbilly looking their best and being confident. You’ve got dirt under your nails, but there's no excuse for patchy foundation.”
The service will offer three man-tastic tiers, each modeled after a conservative icon whose looks are changing the face of American patriotism.
Bronze Tier: The Hegseth - designed for makeup newbies and men who are just “testing the mascara waters,” the Bronze tier offers the “Hegseth Look,” described by Trump as “subtle, very demure, kind of like a Marine who just got out of basic training and discovered concealer.” This tier comes with a starter kit, including beard shimmer, truck-stop-tough lip balm, and camo-colored blush.
Silver Tier: The JD Vance “For those who really want to make their eyes pop without looking like a sissy,” Trump explained. The Silver package includes eyeliner in “Coal Country Charcoal,” brow gel in “Appalachian Auburn,” and a scented highlighter called “Hillbilly Elegance.”.
Gold Tier: The Presidential Look Exclusively for “the strongest, most manly men,” the Gold tier lets subscribers recreate the iconic Trump glow, an otherworldly shade somewhere between an electric orange cheeto and baby poo brown. This kit comes with self-tanner developed by an anonymous Mar-a-Lago pool boy and a signature lip gloss shade called “Executive Privilege.”
Those who pass rigorous masculinity testing, centred around authentic ancient Olympic Greco-Roman wrestling, where competitors wrestle totally naked and covered in oil, are granted access to the Diamond Tier. This clandestine level features personalized styling by none other than RuPaul. Diamond Tier subscribers also gain access to limited-edition XXXXL dresses “for their very tall and broad shouldered wives.” The dresses come in three patriotic inspired looks: Second Amendment Sparkle, Bible Black, and Presidential Intern Blue.
“Look good, feel good, dominate the libs. And if a little bronzer helps you do that, God bless. Nothing says “alpha male” like flawless makeup.”