What would Jesus talk on
- Thread starter Topspin
- Start date
doniston
Aint I a cutie? HEH HEH
C
Cancel5
Guest
Ahahahaha, Jesus would have a satellite phone don't ya know!
FUCK THE POLICE
911 EVERY DAY
the Iphone
And Jesus would speak ENGLISH, to all them blasphemin French and Spanish speakers out there. English is God's language, that's what Jesus spoke.
Beefy
Worst gambler ever
And he would be blonde, buff, handsome and polite. Blue eyes also. Fifty clams says if he drove, it would be a Prius.
/MSG/
Uwaa OmO
Topspin
Verified User
Q: What is iPhone?
A: iPhone is a new revolutionary phone that will change everything!
Q: So, you're saying that girls will now be interested in me instead of being repulsed?
A: Apple is committed to helping you score. iPhone is capable of calling a wide variety of dating services and 900 sex lines.
Q: But any old phone can do that!
A: Only the iPhone allows you to cycle through dirty pictures while talking with the sex phone operator. And most important, iPhone is the only phone with a touch-screen. HINT: The touch-screen can be activated with the use of ANY finger-like appendage.
Q: What are you getting at?
A: Please call technical support for help with this issue. Press 2 for “Birds and the Bees.”
Q: What are the iPhone’s system requirements?
A: Mac OS X v10.4.10 or Windows XP, iTunes 7.3, USB 2.0 port, and a burning desire to fill the emptiness you feel inside with a very expensive gadget instead of spiritual enlightenment.
Q: I heard that the Internet is really slow on the iPhone. Is that true?
A: iPhone! iPhone! iPhone!
Q: Some say iPhone isn't even as good as cheaper phones on the market because it lacks common handheld features such as voice dialing, voice recording, instant messaging, memory card slots, and A2DP.
A: Here at Apple, we've decided that those particular features and users who request them... are stupid. Because you asked that question, you may no longer purchase an iPhone. You're off the list!
Q: While iPhone is WiFi compatible, I understand that it does not support 3G. Isn't that a major setback?
A: iPhone! iPhone! iPhone!
Q: There's this girl in my class that I have the biggest crush on. I think she sees me as just a friend, can iPhone help me?
A: Yes! If one thing is guaranteed, girls are always impressed by the latest electronic gadgets.
Q: Can I use my iPhone underwater?
A: Yes, you can! SHOULD you? Yes! Simply purchase a new iPhone when you are done.
Q: The iPhone looks really great, but I don't want to sign a 2-year contract with AT&T. Do I have to?
A: iPhone is like sex: Everyone agrees it's great! AT&T is like the bad relationship you endure because the sex is so phenomenal!
Q: I already own an iPod and a cell phone. Why do I need to spend another $500-$600 on an iPhone?
A: In 1984, you already owned a calculator and an Atari 2600 but you still purchased a personal computer. In 1988, you owned a television and a toilet but you still signed up for cable TV. And remember in 1999 when
you had a girlfriend and also a mother, but you still decided to get married? It's like that.
Q: Does the iPhone have an energy-saving mode when I'm not using it?
A: iPhone! iPhone! iPhone!
Q: I miss my grandma so much, can iPhone raise the dead?
A: Here at Apple, we are sorry for your loss. While the iPhone cannot help you speak with the dead, everyone you talk to will SOUND as if they are speaking from 6 feet underground thanks to our AT&T service.
Q: Life seems so meaningless. I don't really have the will to live any more. Should I kill myself?
A: Just hang on a little longer and next year we'll release iPhones in fresh candy-colors! Eh? Eh?
Q: What is the resolution of the iPhone screen?
A: The resolution is 480 pixels of AWESOME by 320 pixels of HOLY CRAP!
Q: Are you drunk?
A: iPhone! iPhone! iPhone!
Q: The doctors diagnosed me with lymphoma and the chemotherapy has really taken its toll. What if I just stopped chemo and relied on my iPhone for treatment?
A: Here at Apple, we are sorry for your illness. But let's face facts, you probably won't make it. So why not enjoy your last few months as much as you can? Go to http://store.apple.com and buy everything. Use the coupon code: "RIP" to receive a 2% discount!
NOTE: If you expire before the end of your 2 year AT&T contract, you are subject to an “early termination” fee.
Q: Are you honestly making fun of me because I’m dying of cancer?
A: iPhone! iPhone! iPhone!
A: iPhone is a new revolutionary phone that will change everything!
Q: So, you're saying that girls will now be interested in me instead of being repulsed?
A: Apple is committed to helping you score. iPhone is capable of calling a wide variety of dating services and 900 sex lines.
Q: But any old phone can do that!
A: Only the iPhone allows you to cycle through dirty pictures while talking with the sex phone operator. And most important, iPhone is the only phone with a touch-screen. HINT: The touch-screen can be activated with the use of ANY finger-like appendage.
Q: What are you getting at?
A: Please call technical support for help with this issue. Press 2 for “Birds and the Bees.”
Q: What are the iPhone’s system requirements?
A: Mac OS X v10.4.10 or Windows XP, iTunes 7.3, USB 2.0 port, and a burning desire to fill the emptiness you feel inside with a very expensive gadget instead of spiritual enlightenment.
Q: I heard that the Internet is really slow on the iPhone. Is that true?
A: iPhone! iPhone! iPhone!
Q: Some say iPhone isn't even as good as cheaper phones on the market because it lacks common handheld features such as voice dialing, voice recording, instant messaging, memory card slots, and A2DP.
A: Here at Apple, we've decided that those particular features and users who request them... are stupid. Because you asked that question, you may no longer purchase an iPhone. You're off the list!
Q: While iPhone is WiFi compatible, I understand that it does not support 3G. Isn't that a major setback?
A: iPhone! iPhone! iPhone!
Q: There's this girl in my class that I have the biggest crush on. I think she sees me as just a friend, can iPhone help me?
A: Yes! If one thing is guaranteed, girls are always impressed by the latest electronic gadgets.
Q: Can I use my iPhone underwater?
A: Yes, you can! SHOULD you? Yes! Simply purchase a new iPhone when you are done.
Q: The iPhone looks really great, but I don't want to sign a 2-year contract with AT&T. Do I have to?
A: iPhone is like sex: Everyone agrees it's great! AT&T is like the bad relationship you endure because the sex is so phenomenal!
Q: I already own an iPod and a cell phone. Why do I need to spend another $500-$600 on an iPhone?
A: In 1984, you already owned a calculator and an Atari 2600 but you still purchased a personal computer. In 1988, you owned a television and a toilet but you still signed up for cable TV. And remember in 1999 when
you had a girlfriend and also a mother, but you still decided to get married? It's like that.
Q: Does the iPhone have an energy-saving mode when I'm not using it?
A: iPhone! iPhone! iPhone!
Q: I miss my grandma so much, can iPhone raise the dead?
A: Here at Apple, we are sorry for your loss. While the iPhone cannot help you speak with the dead, everyone you talk to will SOUND as if they are speaking from 6 feet underground thanks to our AT&T service.
Q: Life seems so meaningless. I don't really have the will to live any more. Should I kill myself?
A: Just hang on a little longer and next year we'll release iPhones in fresh candy-colors! Eh? Eh?
Q: What is the resolution of the iPhone screen?
A: The resolution is 480 pixels of AWESOME by 320 pixels of HOLY CRAP!
Q: Are you drunk?
A: iPhone! iPhone! iPhone!
Q: The doctors diagnosed me with lymphoma and the chemotherapy has really taken its toll. What if I just stopped chemo and relied on my iPhone for treatment?
A: Here at Apple, we are sorry for your illness. But let's face facts, you probably won't make it. So why not enjoy your last few months as much as you can? Go to http://store.apple.com and buy everything. Use the coupon code: "RIP" to receive a 2% discount!
NOTE: If you expire before the end of your 2 year AT&T contract, you are subject to an “early termination” fee.
Q: Are you honestly making fun of me because I’m dying of cancer?
A: iPhone! iPhone! iPhone!
Epicurus
Reasonable
LMAO
Top, this is by far the funniest thing you've ever posted. It might even be the only funny thing you've ever posted.
Topspin
Verified User
Ouch!!
– 1 Use your iPhone as it was meant to be used... as fashion
Why wear your iPhone on your waist when you can attach it to a headband and wear it on your forehead?
3 – Use your iPhone to fight crime
WOMAN: A man is holding up the Convenience Store owner with a gun!
YOU: No worries ma'am, I am an iPhone owner. I'll simply call 9-1-1... now I'll walk into the store... and <SNAP> take the perpetrator's photo. And... email it to the police.
ROBBER: Stick 'em up or I'll blow you away!
YOU: I own an iPhone.
ROBBER: Really? Wow!
YOU: I know. iPhone says you are suffering from feelings of inadequacy caused by your father's constant belittling of you as a child.
ROBBER: iPhone is right!
YOU: iPhone says there is a support group for your issue approximately 2.9 miles southwest of here.
ROBBER (wiping away tears): Thank you, iPhone owner.
YOU: Of course.
ROBBER: Now I'm going to shoot you and take your iPhone!
YOU: I'm sorry, but I'm going to zap you with 50,000 volts.
ROBBER: Aaaaaaaaaaah!!!
YOU: The iPhone has a hidden stun-gun feature.
CONVENIENCE STORE OWNER: Thank you, my friend!
YOU: It's my privilege to serve the community. While waiting for the police to arrive, would you like to listen to some U2?
– 1 Use your iPhone as it was meant to be used... as fashion
Why wear your iPhone on your waist when you can attach it to a headband and wear it on your forehead?
3 – Use your iPhone to fight crime
WOMAN: A man is holding up the Convenience Store owner with a gun!
YOU: No worries ma'am, I am an iPhone owner. I'll simply call 9-1-1... now I'll walk into the store... and <SNAP> take the perpetrator's photo. And... email it to the police.
ROBBER: Stick 'em up or I'll blow you away!
YOU: I own an iPhone.
ROBBER: Really? Wow!
YOU: I know. iPhone says you are suffering from feelings of inadequacy caused by your father's constant belittling of you as a child.
ROBBER: iPhone is right!
YOU: iPhone says there is a support group for your issue approximately 2.9 miles southwest of here.
ROBBER (wiping away tears): Thank you, iPhone owner.
YOU: Of course.
ROBBER: Now I'm going to shoot you and take your iPhone!
YOU: I'm sorry, but I'm going to zap you with 50,000 volts.
ROBBER: Aaaaaaaaaaah!!!
YOU: The iPhone has a hidden stun-gun feature.
CONVENIENCE STORE OWNER: Thank you, my friend!
YOU: It's my privilege to serve the community. While waiting for the police to arrive, would you like to listen to some U2?
uscitizen
Villified User
Researchers Hack Into iPhone Via Web
Jul 23, 7:51 PM (ET)
By PETER SVENSSON
NEW YORK (AP) - Hackers could take control of an iPhone if its owner visits a doctored Web site or Internet hotspot, security researchers reported Monday.
The vulnerability of the vaunted device, Apple Inc. (AAPL) (AAPL)'s first cell phone, is only theoretical for now. There are no reports of criminals actually taking advantage of the security glitch to remotely access an iPhone.
But if it were exploited, hijacked iPhones could be very useful to the same gangs that take over personal computers and use them to disseminate spam, said Charlie Miller, principal security analyst at Independent Security Evaluators, which discovered the flaw.
"You could have a million iPhones dialing the company's main line and overwhelm it that way," Miller said.
In addition, hijacked iPhones could be used to send spam by cell-phone text message, which computers generally can't. Any personal data on the phones, such as private phone numbers and text messages, would be accessible as well.
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070723/D8QIJUQG0.html
Jul 23, 7:51 PM (ET)
By PETER SVENSSON
NEW YORK (AP) - Hackers could take control of an iPhone if its owner visits a doctored Web site or Internet hotspot, security researchers reported Monday.
The vulnerability of the vaunted device, Apple Inc. (AAPL) (AAPL)'s first cell phone, is only theoretical for now. There are no reports of criminals actually taking advantage of the security glitch to remotely access an iPhone.
But if it were exploited, hijacked iPhones could be very useful to the same gangs that take over personal computers and use them to disseminate spam, said Charlie Miller, principal security analyst at Independent Security Evaluators, which discovered the flaw.
"You could have a million iPhones dialing the company's main line and overwhelm it that way," Miller said.
In addition, hijacked iPhones could be used to send spam by cell-phone text message, which computers generally can't. Any personal data on the phones, such as private phone numbers and text messages, would be accessible as well.
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070723/D8QIJUQG0.html
Topspin
Verified User
With the iPhone's hefty price tag, it is likely that big-spending business users were well-represented among the hordes who turned out to buy Apple Inc.'s cellular phone during its first weeks on sale.
Even if the bona fides of the iPhone as a business tool aren't established -- with skeptics questioning whether its security, performance and compatibility with existing business software are up to snuff -- some early adopters aren't holding back.
Some corporate users are tapping the iPhone for Web-based business applications.
Some corporate customers are using the Apple phone in place of "smartphones" such as Research in Motion Ltd.'s BlackBerry and other devices that have long track records among business users. Some are even tapping into business-centric applications for tracking inventory and accounting. Business software makers such as NetSuite Inc. and Salesforce.com Inc. are marketing their applications to iPhone users and, in some cases, modifying software so it works more smoothly on Apple's device.
Brian Keare, chief operating officer of Circle of Friends LLC, a maker of hair-care and bath products for children in Santa Monica, Calif., is one customer using the iPhone for business. Though he bought it primarily to make phone calls, write emails and use the iPod entertainment functions, he decided to test the limits of the iPhone's Web browser by logging onto NetSuite, where his small company's sales, accounting and other records are kept.
To Mr. Keare's surprise, it worked flawlessly, allowing him access to all of his company information on the go. He had previously had no luck accessing NetSuite, with its complicated design, from the browser on a Blackberry or Palm Inc.'s Treo. "They choked on the Web pages," he said.
Mr. Keare's wife, Eleanor, chief executive of Circle of Friends, was so intrigued by the iPhone that she snatched it from him for a business trip to Chicago, where it helped her make a spontaneous visit to a client's store. Before going in, she was able to quickly access the client's sales records and the store manager's name -- without having to haul out her laptop. Ms. Keare is planning to buy her own iPhone.
"It's proving to be useful enough we're really going to take advantage of it and use it as a business tool," said Mr. Keare, who has stopped using his Treo.
There is a particularly good fit between the iPhone and Web-based business applications such as NetSuite. That is partly out of necessity. To protect the security of iPhones, Apple, Cupertino, Calif., is allowing independent software makers to offer iPhone applications that work only through its Web browser, not the more traditional programs that are stored and run locally on a device.
Users said the iPhone's Web browser, known as Safari, is one of the most usable on a mobile phone, with better compatibility with many Web sites. They said the large touch-sensing screen on the iPhone -- which lets users pan around a Web page and zoom in with various finger gestures -- also makes it more practical to use the Web. The iPhone is priced at $499 to $599, with a two-year commitment to wireless service through AT&T Inc.
Salesforce.com said its Web site currently works on the iPhone, and that it is modifying its software to more effectively display the site through the iPhone browser. Zimbra Inc., which makes a Web-based competitor to Microsoft Corp.'s Outlook email, calendar and contacts program, expects to offer a version of its software tailored to the iPhone next month.
Still, it is difficult to deny that Apple designed much of the iPhone for consumers, from the ability to watch YouTube videos to the music-playing functions. The fact that users must have Apple's iTunes software, with its heavy focus on entertainment, on their computers to synchronize data with an iPhone may be tough for many businesses to stomach.
Adam Gross, vice president of developer relations at Salesforce.com, believes the iPhone will follow the path of other technologies with consumer roots, like the Web browser and Adobe Systems Inc.'s Flash animation software, that were ultimately embraced by businesses. "I think the iPhone absolutely is going to have a big impact on mobile business applications," he said.
In the near term, the iPhone probably has a better shot with small businesses, where decisions about technology are more frequently based on an employee's preferences. For now, large businesses are looking more skeptically, though some are considering it.
The information-technology department at Quintiles Transnational Corp., a pharmaceutical-services company in Research Triangle Park, N.C., is testing the iPhone, including a Web-conferencing application made by Genesys Conferencing Inc. But Jonathan Shough, executive director of global network service and information technology at Quintiles, said the 18,000-person company needs better tools for managing the iPhone if the company is to deploy it broadly.
With BlackBerries, for instance, Quintiles can remotely erase emails and other sensitive data if the devices are lost or stolen. No such capability now exists for the iPhone, Mr. Shough said.
Apple declined to say whether it might offer such a feature in the future. "IPhone is a great product for all customers, businesses included," said Natalie Kerris, an Apple spokeswoman.
In a report this month, research firm Gartner Inc. discouraged large businesses from letting employees put sensitive company data such as emails on iPhones because of security concerns. While the iPhone does have some security features built into it, Ken Dulaney, a Gartner analyst, said they aren't up to most corporate standards. Visto Corp., a provider of mobile email services, said it is working on a product that will beef up email security on the iPhone for business users.
Write to Nick Wingfield at nick.wingfield@wsj.com
Even if the bona fides of the iPhone as a business tool aren't established -- with skeptics questioning whether its security, performance and compatibility with existing business software are up to snuff -- some early adopters aren't holding back.
Some corporate users are tapping the iPhone for Web-based business applications.
Some corporate customers are using the Apple phone in place of "smartphones" such as Research in Motion Ltd.'s BlackBerry and other devices that have long track records among business users. Some are even tapping into business-centric applications for tracking inventory and accounting. Business software makers such as NetSuite Inc. and Salesforce.com Inc. are marketing their applications to iPhone users and, in some cases, modifying software so it works more smoothly on Apple's device.
Brian Keare, chief operating officer of Circle of Friends LLC, a maker of hair-care and bath products for children in Santa Monica, Calif., is one customer using the iPhone for business. Though he bought it primarily to make phone calls, write emails and use the iPod entertainment functions, he decided to test the limits of the iPhone's Web browser by logging onto NetSuite, where his small company's sales, accounting and other records are kept.
To Mr. Keare's surprise, it worked flawlessly, allowing him access to all of his company information on the go. He had previously had no luck accessing NetSuite, with its complicated design, from the browser on a Blackberry or Palm Inc.'s Treo. "They choked on the Web pages," he said.
Mr. Keare's wife, Eleanor, chief executive of Circle of Friends, was so intrigued by the iPhone that she snatched it from him for a business trip to Chicago, where it helped her make a spontaneous visit to a client's store. Before going in, she was able to quickly access the client's sales records and the store manager's name -- without having to haul out her laptop. Ms. Keare is planning to buy her own iPhone.
"It's proving to be useful enough we're really going to take advantage of it and use it as a business tool," said Mr. Keare, who has stopped using his Treo.
There is a particularly good fit between the iPhone and Web-based business applications such as NetSuite. That is partly out of necessity. To protect the security of iPhones, Apple, Cupertino, Calif., is allowing independent software makers to offer iPhone applications that work only through its Web browser, not the more traditional programs that are stored and run locally on a device.
Users said the iPhone's Web browser, known as Safari, is one of the most usable on a mobile phone, with better compatibility with many Web sites. They said the large touch-sensing screen on the iPhone -- which lets users pan around a Web page and zoom in with various finger gestures -- also makes it more practical to use the Web. The iPhone is priced at $499 to $599, with a two-year commitment to wireless service through AT&T Inc.
Salesforce.com said its Web site currently works on the iPhone, and that it is modifying its software to more effectively display the site through the iPhone browser. Zimbra Inc., which makes a Web-based competitor to Microsoft Corp.'s Outlook email, calendar and contacts program, expects to offer a version of its software tailored to the iPhone next month.
Still, it is difficult to deny that Apple designed much of the iPhone for consumers, from the ability to watch YouTube videos to the music-playing functions. The fact that users must have Apple's iTunes software, with its heavy focus on entertainment, on their computers to synchronize data with an iPhone may be tough for many businesses to stomach.
Adam Gross, vice president of developer relations at Salesforce.com, believes the iPhone will follow the path of other technologies with consumer roots, like the Web browser and Adobe Systems Inc.'s Flash animation software, that were ultimately embraced by businesses. "I think the iPhone absolutely is going to have a big impact on mobile business applications," he said.
In the near term, the iPhone probably has a better shot with small businesses, where decisions about technology are more frequently based on an employee's preferences. For now, large businesses are looking more skeptically, though some are considering it.
The information-technology department at Quintiles Transnational Corp., a pharmaceutical-services company in Research Triangle Park, N.C., is testing the iPhone, including a Web-conferencing application made by Genesys Conferencing Inc. But Jonathan Shough, executive director of global network service and information technology at Quintiles, said the 18,000-person company needs better tools for managing the iPhone if the company is to deploy it broadly.
With BlackBerries, for instance, Quintiles can remotely erase emails and other sensitive data if the devices are lost or stolen. No such capability now exists for the iPhone, Mr. Shough said.
Apple declined to say whether it might offer such a feature in the future. "IPhone is a great product for all customers, businesses included," said Natalie Kerris, an Apple spokeswoman.
In a report this month, research firm Gartner Inc. discouraged large businesses from letting employees put sensitive company data such as emails on iPhones because of security concerns. While the iPhone does have some security features built into it, Ken Dulaney, a Gartner analyst, said they aren't up to most corporate standards. Visto Corp., a provider of mobile email services, said it is working on a product that will beef up email security on the iPhone for business users.
Write to Nick Wingfield at nick.wingfield@wsj.com