http://wc.arizona.edu/papers/96/41/03_3.html
As the Average Maturity by Age Index (AMAI) steadily drops, America must adapt certain laws and practices to accommodate its increasingly juvenile population. Jolted into concern by a friend's recent 21st birthday, I passionately urge voters to tack a last minute proposition on to the November ballot: Proposition 500 � to raise the minimum legal drinking age to 25.
Granted, there are several problems with the activism I propose. Primarily, I am 23, which makes my suggestion somewhat self-defeating. But I, personally, am willing to risk sacrificing two years of legal drinking to serve a higher purpose (which has nothing to do with drinking, and which I will conceal from the reader until the near end of this column. I thank you to not skip ahead).
Practically, it is too late to add a proposition to the ballot. And even if it were not, we might still have a difficult time collecting the thousands upon thousands of signatures we need in time. But if the Democrats can replace their candidate for a key spot in the Senate weeks after the legal deadline, I think we can make a good case for an extension. All we need is two weeks.
Collecting signatures will be a snap with the right strategy. We will focus on college campuses, coffee shops, movie theaters and street corners outside of busy bars. By concentrating on these areas, we will make college students the top supporters of Proposition 500. Those soliciting signatures will wear baseball caps sporting embroidered marijuana leaves and T-shirts with child-like drawings of planet Earth and people holding hands under the motto, "Save Mother Earth."
Our solicitors will extend their clipboards and ask passers-by, "Excuse me, would you like to save the children?" This gives people two options: "No, I would not like to save the children," or, "Children? Why, of course!" In the rare occasion that someone asks what Prop 500 is all about, we will answer (in perfect truth), "Prop 500 will save loads of children every year from dying at the hands of recklessness and abuse." "Sounds good," Joe Signature will say. "I hope my participation saves oodles of children."
In the even rarer case that someone presses for details and asks what Prop 500 has to do with the earth and pot, we will call them in close and whisper into their ears: "You've got to read between the lines." Then, we'll thrust into their hands a thick stack of papers with tiny writing and tell them we admire their determination. They will sign.
Of course, not all college students will get behind a proposition they think supports drug decriminalization or tighter environmental controls. For this reason, we will adapt our technique as necessary. For example, while soliciting signatures outside of a Campus Conservatives meeting, we will wear NRA hats and hand out corporate tax breaks. But we can still work the "save tons of children" angle.
After collecting the signatures, we will shift the focus of our campaign 180 degrees. Instead of masking our goals with unrelated political issues, we will flaunt our mission to raise the minimum legal drinking age to 25. We will spare no expense on posters, billboards, and television spots.
For a thirty second TV ad, we will film my newly-21-year-old friend at a bar when he arrives, then after an hour, and finally when he realizes he missed last call. This will illustrate a typical alcohol-induced descent as he goes from a sharp-dressed guy displaying marginal social tact, to a sharp-dressed guy threatening the bartender with a cue ball.
The bulk of our campaign will take place on college campuses. Around the state, we will organize demonstrations, gathering to chant, "21 is too young, 21 is too young!" Staggering facts about alcohol abuse and drinking-related car accidents among the youth will inspire the masses to accept the overwhelming societal benefits of raising the drinking age. Psychologists and sociologists will flood in by the hundreds with their endorsement: "Healthy childhood development should extend well into the mid-twenties. Prop 500 is a progressive and ingenious means to a safer, more prosperous America."
It will appear, in a matter of days after the proposition becomes official, that Arizona is on its way to stripping a meager 7 percent of active voters of the right to consume alcohol.
Then, that 7 percent will dramatically inflate as America's underdeveloped, nonvoting youth rush to the polls and take a sincere interest in democracy.
And Proposition 500 will die in a landslide.
