Banish Gays from the GOP!

Ted Haggard

Ted Haggard

Verified User
Banish is a strong word. A biblical word. But, I ain't kidding. I am hereby joining with the Idaho Family Values Association, and other evangelical groups to call on the GOP to purge all gay GOP politicians from the party, forthwith. Closeted or not. Heck, for that matter, even gay citizens shouldn’t be in our party. We don’t want your vote. Your self-destructive, hedonistic (yet occasionally intriguing – wink, wink) lifestyle is incompatible with Republican and traditional American values, and incompatible with public service on behalf of the GOP.

Larry Craig: you’re out. Go home. Join the DemocRAT Party.

Rudy Giuliani? I’ve got my doubts about you. That thing with the dress, and making out with Donald Trump freaked me out….I’ve got my eye on you. Representative David Drier? There is no 60 year old man, who dresses as well as you and has never been married, that is above suspicion. I’ve got my eye on you too. Newt Gingrich? Hey, what kind of a name is “Newt” anyway? You sound like a fancy dancer to me. Tom Tancredo? I’ve got my doubts. All that hatin’ on Mexicans could very well be a cover; a diversion as it were. You actually look kind of light on your feet, too. Tucker Carlson? One word: Bowtie….dead giveaway my boy.

Now, you may ask why we grassroots Republicans aren’t demanding the purge of adulterers, candidates who’ve had multiple wives, and divorced candidates. Fair question. Allow me to explain….

The honest truth is that if we purge all the gays, all the Mexicans, all the adulterers, all the Muslim-american towel heads, all the blacks, and all the divorcees out of our party, I’m afraid we’ll be left with me, Pat Robertson, Billy Graham Junior, Dixie, Cawacko, Superfreak, Battleborne, and Damocles. Now, mind you, our wives wouldn’t really count, ‘cause we still be working on overturning the 19th Amendment (women’s suffrage), and Roe v. Wade. A woman’s place is in the home, or giving massages… not in the voting booth. So, honestly, we need a few sinners, to take this nation back to its Christian Theocratic roots. Besides, don’t you think the pews in our churches would be pretty danged empty without our second and third wives, our multiple step-children, our live-in girlfriends, and our mistresses sitting next to us in Church to praise the Lord?
 
I suppose....

uscitizen said:
Yeah Teddy did lead a bunch of mercenaries didn't he ?
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Maybe he was ahead of his future...maybe a time traveler..'black hole'...Cuba was a threat then as it still is...'Chi' et al ring a bell...not forgetting Venezuela and it's other commie idiot!
 
Ted Haggard said:
Banish is a strong word. A biblical word. But, I ain't kidding. I am hereby joining with the Idaho Family Values Association, and other evangelical groups to call on the GOP to purge all gay GOP politicians from the party, forthwith. Closeted or not. Heck, for that matter, even gay citizens shouldn’t be in our party. We don’t want your vote. Your self-destructive, hedonistic (yet occasionally intriguing – wink, wink) lifestyle is incompatible with Republican and traditional American values, and incompatible with public service on behalf of the GOP.

Larry Craig: you’re out. Go home. Join the DemocRAT Party.

Rudy Giuliani? I’ve got my doubts about you. That thing with the dress, and making out with Donald Trump freaked me out….I’ve got my eye on you. Representative David Drier? There is no 60 year old man, who dresses as well as you and has never been married, that is above suspicion. I’ve got my eye on you too. Newt Gingrich? Hey, what kind of a name is “Newt” anyway? You sound like a fancy dancer to me. Tom Tancredo? I’ve got my doubts. All that hatin’ on Mexicans could very well be a cover; a diversion as it were. You actually look kind of light on your feet, too. Tucker Carlson? One word: Bowtie….dead giveaway my boy.

Now, you may ask why we grassroots Republicans aren’t demanding the purge of adulterers, candidates who’ve had multiple wives, and divorced candidates. Fair question. Allow me to explain….

The honest truth is that if we purge all the gays, all the Mexicans, all the adulterers, all the Muslim-american towel heads, all the blacks, and all the divorcees out of our party, I’m afraid we’ll be left with me, Pat Robertson, Billy Graham Junior, Dixie, Cawacko, Superfreak, Battleborne, and Damocles. Now, mind you, our wives wouldn’t really count, ‘cause we still be working on overturning the 19th Amendment (women’s suffrage), and Roe v. Wade. A woman’s place is in the home, or giving massages… not in the voting booth. So, honestly, we need a few sinners, to take this nation back to its Christian Theocratic roots. Besides, don’t you think the pews in our churches would be pretty danged empty without our second and third wives, our multiple step-children, our live-in girlfriends, and our mistresses sitting next to us in Church to praise the Lord?
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Sorry homeboy you just signed your own death warrant. My Auntie's girlfriend is GOP and will take you out. Have fun in the next life.
 
You just put this immage in my brain of this big bull dike dragging Ted arround on a date...wait a minute...................... I just wanted to linger on that image just a bit longer.
 
Brother Ted,

I absolutely love your posts. You represent what the Republican party is actually all about.
Keep up the good work.

Brother Crash
 
Slider?

Battleborne said:
Maybe he was ahead of his future...maybe a time traveler..'black hole'...Cuba was a threat then as it still is...'Chi' et al ring a bell...not forgetting Venezuela and it's other commie idiot!
Click to expand...

You surfin' the loops again?
 
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Crashk said:
Brother Ted,

I absolutely love your posts. You represent what the Republican party is actually all about.
Keep up the good work.

Brother Crash
Click to expand...


Dear Son,

Thank you for the kind words…I think.

You’ll have to pardon me, if I seem on my guard. Lately, sexy liberal heathen men appear to have been tempting me with flattery and kind words, in an attempt to seduce me into another…ahem, compromising situation. Lord help me.

In fact, I think the other day, a dreamboat policeman in a men’s public restroom appeared to be sending me unmistakable “signals” through body language and feet tapping. I resisted.

If however, your kind words are sincere, I greatly appreciate it. God bless you.

Son, if you ever want to join us in the war on evil doers, and in the war on Easter, we have prayer sessions for President Bush on Sunday nights, and another Prayer session for Dick Cheney on Wednesday nights. Those good Christian men can use all the prayers we can give them.


Warmest Regards,

Ted
 
Ted,
Please in the future please refrain from calling me son. I'm probably old enough to be your father. The thought sends a cold chill up my spine.

I am going to respectfully decline your invitation to the prayer sessions for Bush and Cheney. I don't believe in whipping dead horses or wasting my time on lost causes. Good luck in your wars vs evil and the war on Easter. Dont forget to watch OReilly during any holiday season. He can let you in on the liberals war on Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Mothers Day, Fathers Day and Groundhog day. With all these wars for you to pray for it would do all of us good if you just stayed inside and prayed 24-7/365.

Ps. please pray for rain we need it
 
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