Battling Depression has never been so difficult

Sun Devil

Sun Devil

Death and Taxes
In twelve years since my mother's passing I've never spoken out about this, and I'm not sure why I bring it up here but it's something I think anyone who has ever had depression or knew someone with depression can relate. After turning 21 I was never really a heavy drinker until my father passed in 2010 and boy did I become a big time drinker. I remember before doing a PowerPoint presentation I drank an entire pitcher of beer, and seemingly was able to function by giving an A+ presentation. When I got into grad school I drank my way through the entire time, not even failing no assignment. As I look back, I realized that I allowed my personal issues with the dealings of losing two parents to overwhelm my judgment. Upon reflecting this, it's really hard to understand the contempt I have (and had) for life. I personally thought life was unfair, not because I personally thought I was special, but my mother who was such a good person (she had her flaws of course) suffered immensely until her death. With my father I never had a really good relationship, he too, was an alcoholic. Although he loved me, he was a good man but not the best father.

I remember when I visited him as a little kid, I spent my time playing arcade games while he shoot dice and play horses with the local gangs of the area. Off and on we met up, but never really solidified our relationship. I finally found out just 3 years ago he had cancer and I remember the night of his passing I was going out on a date and before I left, my dad asked for cough medicine. As he laid on his bed sick from cancer (he was in the final stages) upon asking him what's wrong he sat up and said "I don't know." Next morning I got a phone call that he had died. I've been dying ever day thinking "wow I have no parents" and so to cope, I drank alcohol. If anyone has seen the movie "Flight" with Denzel, I think I was just catching up to the amount of liquor he consumed. Although I drank to cope, I was really trying to end my life slowly. I think because of this I have no relationship (I'v been told by countless women at work and school that I'm attractive). I lift weights (well, used to) so I'm fairly built like a football player and yet no kids, educated, shitty job.

There have been times where I wanted to end my life. Like, I had one round in the chamber, but I cowardly declined I guess because the fear of making a "bloody mess" and staying alive only to live out my days as a vegetable. I guess I tell you this because my family really have no interest in listening to me and I'm too arrogant to get help (I guess the idea of an educated man seeking objective help is somehow not useful). This is another reason why I haven't been as active. So I guess I say all of this to say if anyone here have had a similar experience or has had to battle an uphill fight.
 
First of all, I would be reluctant to post personal details here. Just as a friendly warning.

Second of all, you're not the first to deal with these sorts of problems. In fact you're not even the millionth. Plenty of other people have dealt with the same, or worse, and they've survived and even thrived. You can too.
 
Sun Devil said:
In twelve years since my mother's passing I've never spoken out about this, and I'm not sure why I bring it up here but it's something I think anyone who has ever had depression or knew someone with depression can relate. After turning 21 I was never really a heavy drinker until my father passed in 2010 and boy did I become a big time drinker. I remember before doing a PowerPoint presentation I drank an entire pitcher of beer, and seemingly was able to function by giving an A+ presentation. When I got into grad school I drank my way through the entire time, not even failing no assignment. As I look back, I realized that I allowed my personal issues with the dealings of losing two parents to overwhelm my judgment. Upon reflecting this, it's really hard to understand the contempt I have (and had) for life. I personally thought life was unfair, not because I personally thought I was special, but my mother who was such a good person (she had her flaws of course) suffered immensely until her death. With my father I never had a really good relationship, he too, was an alcoholic. Although he loved me, he was a good man but not the best father.

I remember when I visited him as a little kid, I spent my time playing arcade games while he shoot dice and play horses with the local gangs of the area. Off and on we met up, but never really solidified our relationship. I finally found out just 3 years ago he had cancer and I remember the night of his passing I was going out on a date and before I left, my dad asked for cough medicine. As he laid on his bed sick from cancer (he was in the final stages) upon asking him what's wrong he sat up and said "I don't know." Next morning I got a phone call that he had died. I've been dying ever day thinking "wow I have no parents" and so to cope, I drank alcohol. If anyone has seen the movie "Flight" with Denzel, I think I was just catching up to the amount of liquor he consumed. Although I drank to cope, I was really trying to end my life slowly. I think because of this I have no relationship (I'v been told by countless women at work and school that I'm attractive). I lift weights (well, used to) so I'm fairly built like a football player and yet no kids, educated, shitty job.

There have been times where I wanted to end my life. Like, I had one round in the chamber, but I cowardly declined I guess because the fear of making a "bloody mess" and staying alive only to live out my days as a vegetable. I guess I tell you this because my family really have no interest in listening to me and I'm too arrogant to get help (I guess the idea of an educated man seeking objective help is somehow not useful). This is another reason why I haven't been as active. So I guess I say all of this to say if anyone here have had a similar experience or has had to battle an uphill fight.
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I hope this doesn't sound empty; but I believe in God and I've found that the things people experience in life, both good and bad, do tend to shape them, later in life.
I do agree though that this is probably not the best forum to reveal to much personal information.

If you want to be a better father, then your own, then make sure you don't repeat the behaviors that you found negative in him.
You said your mother had faults. We all do; but take the parts of her that you found admirable and use them to shape not only your own life, but look for those same positive traits in the person you want to spend your life with.

Drink, drugs, sex, etc. have been used in excess, in the past and now, to mask the pain and feelings of being lost by a lot of people.

May I suggest that you find someone or a group that you can talk to and begin to open up, instead of "drowning" the way you feel.

There is no quick fix; but if you're open to beginning the healing process, you may find one day that life has improved.

There's much more; but you would do yourself more of a favor, by seeking out a professional.

Good luck
 
I enjoy drinking. It's something you can enjoy without jeopardizing your personal life. If you are having drinks throughout the week rather than just on one "acceptable" day, that's fine, as long as you aren't destroying your body, and you are an emotionally competent drinker.

Hope you can overcome your loss.

:clink:
 
Sun Devil,


You are worthy


you are worthy of happiness


you are worthy of love


getting help is not surrendering.

Its consulting a professional who has the tools to help you on a more self productive path.


I feel your pain dude


I battled unworthiness for a huge part of my life.

Life is not fair.


no matter how much we wish it were it is not.

Bad things happen to good people.


it does not reflect on their goodness.


You need to stop drinking.

some people can drink without the grave harm it causes some people.

Some people due to their brain chemistry can not have happiness while imbibing.


It only masks their symptoms


You did nothing to deserve what happened in your life.

You deserve a happier life.


you are worthy
 
GLaDOS said:
First of all, I would be reluctant to post personal details here. Just as a friendly warning.

Second of all, you're not the first to deal with these sorts of problems. In fact you're not even the millionth. Plenty of other people have dealt with the same, or worse, and they've survived and even thrived. You can too.
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Is that your "pull your socks up" speech?
 
Sun Devil please force yourself to see a therapist. Tell yourself you'll give it at least one chance. Take a copy of your original post with you if you don't know what to say. I see any talk about suicide as an urgent cry for help

A therapist may have you take antidepressants just long enough to get over the worst, it's not necessarily a lifetime prescription. Once you can think clearly, you can address your other issues one by one.

You wrote that "my family really have no interest in listening to me." Is it possible that's just your perception? And if it is true, all the more reason to see a professional. Sometimes families are too close and intertwined with you to see things dispassionately. They may be thinking that you're intelligent and gifted so why can't you get it together, while not understanding how completely depression paralyzes a person.

You are self-medicating with booze and it's the wrong Rx. It's a temporary fix with a bad rebound effect.

That your depression was caused by parents' deaths suggests you have a high probability of cure once you work through the grief. A therapist can help with that. You don't have to go through life carrying these burdens.

Please make an appointment today, and let us know how you're doing from time to time, even if you're not up to posting on politics.
 
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the brain is a electrochemical machine.

like any other organ it can be corrected with the right substance.


Some people only need the correction temporarily.

some my need it forever.

either way help is at hand.


Please seek the medical care that will make your life more joyous.


None of these imbalences are an indication of you being a lessor being.


You are worthy of joy.

you are worthy of a quiet mind


you are worthy of love


you are worthy of whatever life has to offer.

Im so proud of you for reaching out.

keep reaching out


find the right hand to grasp

that hand is there
 
Sun Devil said:
In twelve years since my mother's passing I've never spoken out about this, and I'm not sure why I bring it up here but it's something I think anyone who has ever had depression or knew someone with depression can relate. After turning 21 I was never really a heavy drinker until my father passed in 2010 and boy did I become a big time drinker. I remember before doing a PowerPoint presentation I drank an entire pitcher of beer, and seemingly was able to function by giving an A+ presentation. When I got into grad school I drank my way through the entire time, not even failing no assignment. As I look back, I realized that I allowed my personal issues with the dealings of losing two parents to overwhelm my judgment. Upon reflecting this, it's really hard to understand the contempt I have (and had) for life. I personally thought life was unfair, not because I personally thought I was special, but my mother who was such a good person (she had her flaws of course) suffered immensely until her death. With my father I never had a really good relationship, he too, was an alcoholic. Although he loved me, he was a good man but not the best father.

I remember when I visited him as a little kid, I spent my time playing arcade games while he shoot dice and play horses with the local gangs of the area. Off and on we met up, but never really solidified our relationship. I finally found out just 3 years ago he had cancer and I remember the night of his passing I was going out on a date and before I left, my dad asked for cough medicine. As he laid on his bed sick from cancer (he was in the final stages) upon asking him what's wrong he sat up and said "I don't know." Next morning I got a phone call that he had died. I've been dying ever day thinking "wow I have no parents" and so to cope, I drank alcohol. If anyone has seen the movie "Flight" with Denzel, I think I was just catching up to the amount of liquor he consumed. Although I drank to cope, I was really trying to end my life slowly. I think because of this I have no relationship (I'v been told by countless women at work and school that I'm attractive). I lift weights (well, used to) so I'm fairly built like a football player and yet no kids, educated, shitty job.

There have been times where I wanted to end my life. Like, I had one round in the chamber, but I cowardly declined I guess because the fear of making a "bloody mess" and staying alive only to live out my days as a vegetable. I guess I tell you this because my family really have no interest in listening to me and I'm too arrogant to get help (I guess the idea of an educated man seeking objective help is somehow not useful). This is another reason why I haven't been as active. So I guess I say all of this to say if anyone here have had a similar experience or has had to battle an uphill fight.
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I am so sorry, my friends dealing with depression have found help in support groups and with bio feed back! Hugs to you, I have only dealt with it on a small scale when I was going through chemo.

I hope you find peace!
 
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Lost my Mom Xmas night 2 years ago!
Hit me a lot harder than my dad's passing.
A beautiful woman who loves you is the best medicine.
Short of that, herbs
 
The Dude said:
Lost my Mom Xmas night 2 years ago!
Hit me a lot harder than my dad's passing.
A beautiful woman who loves you is the best medicine.
Short of that, herbs
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Sorry about your mom, Toppy. That memory has to make your holiday bittersweet. Lean on your wife and let the grandbaby cheer you up, too.

Your last sentence made me burst out laughing, though. Don't ever change!
 
christiefan915 said:
Sorry about your mom, Toppy. That memory has to make your holiday bittersweet. Lean on your wife and let the grandbaby cheer you up, too.

Your last sentence made me burst out laughing, though. Don't ever change!
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My wife is awesome and helped me pretty much get over it if you ever can!
Mom caught me with a bag of weed in 1975!
She didn't freak out, don't remember the punishment
But I remember sis telling me Mom tried it about 5 years later
 
The Dude said:
My wife is awesome and helped me pretty much get over it if you ever can!
Mom caught me with a bag of weed in 1975!
She didn't freak out, don't remember the punishment
But I remember sis telling me Mom tried it about 5 years later
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That's a nice memory of your Mom. She could have grounded you for life but instead she threw you a freebie. That she tried it herself later on is the icing on the cake.
 
The last time I heard french in person was at grandmas in new Iberia in the 70's.
Might be why I added a month in Paris for the french open to my bucket list.
 
GLaDOS said:
First of all, I would be reluctant to post personal details here. Just as a friendly warning.

Second of all, you're not the first to deal with these sorts of problems. In fact you're not even the millionth. Plenty of other people have dealt with the same, or worse, and they've survived and even thrived. You can too.
Click to expand...

Yeah I know I'm open for attack and all that but as I learned, some outlet sources are better than others and I prefer a safer alternative than a physical one but thanks for the warning. This probably will be the last time I'll post personal stuff. Like I said it's one of those things that I prefer to not get personal, its just what happens.
 
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