Birth order blues

T

tinfoil

Banned
The other day I read an article about parental favoritism and it got me thinking about my personal experience being a middle child of five. I recall feeling depressed and isolated and I've always thought it was just me, but I guess there really is something to birth order. Parental investment naturally varies and my parents are certainly humans. I was a bad kid. There is no doubt about it. But is it possible I did bad things because I was reciving the message that being good( like my older siblings) was fruitless and that I should be trying a different strategy for attention? Even as a youngster I knew the reason for my younger siblings getting extra attention and that it was natural for everyone to love the youngest. There was no competing with the younger sibling from my perspective. It was natural to feel some resentment but we all got along fairly well.

I read about middle child syndrome and even though my whole life I suffered from such, I rejected the notion until very recently.
http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12110-003-1017-x?LI=true
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224545.1995.9712218
Anyway, I fit the profile. I guess I have some answers to where I went wrong and some things are beginning to make sense to me. I know that I'm not alone and very likely my parents were not aware. I think I learned to live in a world of denial as a defense mechanism. I always believed my parents loved us all equally, but sadly, the reality was they couldn't possibly have treated us equally.
 
LOL
Yeah, that too.

But I'm working on it. That's the great thing about learning every day (or trying to, anyway).

I decided to write a letter and reach out to my parents. We're not estranged or anything, but I'm definitely the loser in the family. They had limited resources and typically so, they made sure their first and last were college educated. They made a token effort to enable me to attend WCSU in Danbury (where Joe Biden was last week) by alowing me to live with them in Newtown, Ct. I made payments to the school which I made working full time at a bank. Yep, I was a bank teller, but the pay was so bad I ended up working as a subcontractor for a flooring company. I was ignorant and failed to take deductions and screwed myself with the IRS and had to drop out of college with about a year left to go. The IRS fucked with me for a few years and I eventually got caught up. But I never had the resources to go back to college or when I did, I used them for buying a house instead. Thankfully my parents stepped up and helped me try to get a house in my mid thirties after I had paid rent to live for decades.

Anyway, I wrote a letter and I'm hoping I'll feel better someday soon. I've been thinking too much lately.
 
http://bespin.stwing.upenn.edu/~upsych/Perspectives/2003/Putter.pdf

The Effects of Birth Order on Depressive Symptoms
in Early Adolescence

This paper examines the relationship between birth order and depression,
with parenting style as a proposed mediating factor. Existing literature suggests
that parental protectiveness is associated with depression and that parents
tend to be more protective of their first-borns. First-borns should therefore
exhibit more depression than their later-born siblings. Results failed to
differentiate first-borns from later-borns on depressive symptoms or recall of
parental protectiveness. After being divided into four groups, though,
middle children showed a trend toward being most depressed and recalling their
parents as most protective. Overall, individuals that were most depressed
rated their parents as most protective, as had been expected.



That's my experience exactly. I was rarely allowed to do things or have friends over. Being that I developed inferior interpersonal skills due to parental foucs on first and last born, I would be friends with whoever would be friends with me. We moved often so I've been the new kid more than few times. I'm sure any parent would have cringed at the kids lame enough to hang out with me.




In case anyone is asking themselves why I'm writing this stuff, I just want to say that I can't afford real therapy, so this is as close to seeking help that I'm likely to get.

please ignore the thread entirely as it's for my personal attempt at emotional repair. I'm trying to objectively examine the possible reasons for my lifelong depression and the reasons why I never recieved treatment or even a diagnosis.

Poor white people problems, I know.
 
Well, the full moon was in Virgo a few days ago and it's effects are still being felt. An emotional week. Lovers have to be careful not to divulge too much, either way. It's not a good time to argue with ones lover or, conversely, bear ones soul about the tryst at the photocopier/coffee machine. Drop anchor and stabilize.
 
If you've been lifelong clinically depressed then you probably have a chemical imbalance. Environmental factors would only be a contributing factor.

You can dwell all you want on what's made you depressed, but that's not going to help you in the here and now other than satisfy your curiosity. Honestly it'll probably just make you more depressed constantly reliving all that misery in your mind.

You have to move forward. Focus more on the things that help you to make your life feel complete and meaningful.
 
Dr. Krieger said:
If you've been lifelong clinically depressed then you probably have a chemical imbalance. Environmental factors would only be a contributing factor.

You can dwell all you want on what's made you depressed, but that's not going to help you in the here and now other than satisfy your curiosity. Honestly it'll probably just make you more depressed constantly reliving all that misery in your mind.

You have to move forward. Focus more on the things that help you to make your life feel complete and meaningful.
Click to expand...

Excellent advice! Nothing relieves depression like a new love. I humbly suggest POF. It's free. No scam and the largest on-line dating of them all.

To Tinfoil: Spring is just around the corner. Now's the time to seek out that special someone with whom you can frolic on the new grown grass. :good4u:
 
Thanks a bunch. I appreciate the thought. But then there's this fact of life:

You can't love anyone until you love yourself. Otherwise you're being unfair to them.

I'm still great friends with my last love and we still have a fun relationship. As soon as I find some closure with my issues I'll hope to try again.
 
I was gonna rip you on something till I read depression and ex gf!
Dude, ditch the depression it's a choice.
There are plenty nice woman out there, but you can't meet them sulking on your couch.
Get a hobbie that woman do too!
Either way good luck with both hopefully temporary situations.
 
tinfoil said:
Thanks a bunch. I appreciate the thought. But then there's this fact of life:

You can't love anyone until you love yourself. Otherwise you're being unfair to them.

I'm still great friends with my last love and we still have a fun relationship. As soon as I find some closure with my issues I'll hope to try again.
Click to expand...

While it's true one has to love themselves don't forget the possibility a lover can help. I've seen both single people and those in relationships/marriages where their partner has completely ignored them and in both cases loneliness has contributed to their feelings of worthlessness. As long as one is honest with their new lover it's all good.

Best wishes for a speedy solution.
 
tinfoil said:
I did a google search for the terms "successful people come from small families" hoping it would return zero results (LOL just kidding, I was curious if any correlation of the obviousness would be found).


Well I found some links. LOL
This one appears to be a teacher who talks about how all the teachers hate the kids from big families and expect that they'll be losers.
http://gmwilliams.hubpages.com/hub/...are-better-than-children-from-larger-families
Click to expand...

Excellent article!

BTW, have you checked out meetup.com? I'm not familiar with them myself but they look like a good idea.
 
apple0154 said:
While it's true one has to love themselves don't forget the possibility a lover can help. I've seen both single people and those in relationships/marriages where their partner has completely ignored them and in both cases loneliness has contributed to their feelings of worthlessness. As long as one is honest with their new lover it's all good.

Best wishes for a speedy solution.
Click to expand...

We split up because I felt inadequate to be with her. I felt like I was making her look really bad (within her family of very high achievers) like she was needy and was settling for me out of desperation. She's older than I am by about 12 years. I was 36 and she was 48 when we met. We were together a few years. We've been friends ever since. She is also friends with my mother and they stay in touch. She probably speaks with my mother more than I do. LOL

Having loving support is not my problem. Loving myself is my problem. Understanding why I've always had low self esteem is my only pathway to self help. I'm beginning to understand the source of my problem but it's probably impossible to correct. I'm hoping to at least understand what makes me fall into my patterns of behavior.

Thanks
 
tinfoil said:
We split up because I felt inadequate to be with her. I felt like I was making her look really bad (within her family of very high achievers) like she was needy and was settling for me out of desperation. She's older than I am by about 12 years. I was 36 and she was 48 when we met. We were together a few years. We've been friends ever since. She is also friends with my mother and they stay in touch. She probably speaks with my mother more than I do. LOL

Having loving support is not my problem. Loving myself is my problem. Understanding why I've always had low self esteem is my only pathway to self help. I'm beginning to understand the source of my problem but it's probably impossible to correct. I'm hoping to at least understand what makes me fall into my patterns of behavior.

Thanks
Click to expand...

Best wishes, Tinfoil. As someone once told me we're all in this life to learn about ourselves.
 
Well, my self-therapy hit a snag. Mom thought we had a fine relationship.
LOL totally reinforced my world view that she is not and was never interested in our relationship.

Sad day, but it also marks a point where I can see that it truly is not entirely my fault that my self esteem is so poor.
 
I was actually the middle out of three. I was obviously an incredibly angsty teenager, as most of the people who've frequented fp and jpp for the past decade can probably attest to. It didn't really help that my father is perhaps the harshest person alive. As it seems like I'm going to be the first to graduate from college, perhaps I've moved up to slightly above the level of human waste in his eyes. Of course, I was, in general, a really weird kid growing up anyway, literally the least popular person in elementary or middle school, the default kid that everyone picked on, with no friends.

One day, world, I will have my vengeance.
 
Topspin said:
I was gonna rip you on something till I read depression and ex gf!
Dude, ditch the depression it's a choice.
There are plenty nice woman out there, but you can't meet them sulking on your couch.
Get a hobbie that woman do too!
Either way good luck with both hopefully temporary situations.
Click to expand...

Depression is a good choice. Why would anyone be happy?
 
Dr. Krieger said:
If you've been lifelong clinically depressed then you probably have a chemical imbalance. Environmental factors would only be a contributing factor.

You can dwell all you want on what's made you depressed, but that's not going to help you in the here and now other than satisfy your curiosity. Honestly it'll probably just make you more depressed constantly reliving all that misery in your mind.

You have to move forward. Focus more on the things that help you to make your life feel complete and meaningful.
Click to expand...

There's more going on to most psychological disorders than just a low or high level of some chemical. "Chemical imbalance", IMO, seems to have turned into just some sort of pop psych omni-explanation, the way people used to talk about "nerves".
 
Yeah, I've managed to trace my self esteem problems to several factors. Normal child problems for sure, but my dysfunctional family led to me lacking the ability to cope( in time for school age ) and I developed into a shy and unconfident person who lacked the ability to make close personal bonds. The theories I've been reading posit that my elder sister, who is very confident and an over-achiever, was given the responsibility to raise the rest of the kids when Mom needed a break (too often, I have to presume, LOL) and left her to babysit us younger kids. This is sort of later on in my misdevelopment when my sister was about 13/14 and I was 11/12, but is crucial a period of child self image development (ages 9-15). The theory says that the sibling teacher dynamic leads to immature coping skills since the child lacks guidance from a real adult. It makes sense to me. It is confirmed from my perspective.
 
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