We’ve reached new levels of clarity, folks. According to today’s update, the Epstein files 100% exist… except they totally don’t… because this whole thing is a hoax… created by people who want the files released… which is suspicious and probably illegal… unless Trump says he wants them released, in which case transparency is very important, and also: stop asking about them.
Meanwhile, critics should “ask Bill Clinton,” because obviously he’s involved — even though the files don’t exist. Except they do exist, because they’re “on Pam Bondi’s desk,” scheduled to be released “tomorrow” — specifically tomorrow in November, which might explain the delay.
Also, apparently this was only Phase 1, although there is no Phase 2, so we can all relax knowing the rollout is progressing exactly as planned.
But fear not! Dan Bongino has solved the whole mystery anyway. With bold investigative journalism, he examined the blurry-but-also-HD “enhanced” 10-hour security footage of a door that was not Epstein’s cell, except you can clearly see everything, except for the parts missing, but that’s fine because the missing minutes prove the case even more. Using this airtight logic, Bongino confirmed Epstein absolutely, definitely, beyond-question killed himself.
So in conclusion:
Case closed. Permanently. Until tomorrow.
Meanwhile, critics should “ask Bill Clinton,” because obviously he’s involved — even though the files don’t exist. Except they do exist, because they’re “on Pam Bondi’s desk,” scheduled to be released “tomorrow” — specifically tomorrow in November, which might explain the delay.
Also, apparently this was only Phase 1, although there is no Phase 2, so we can all relax knowing the rollout is progressing exactly as planned.
But fear not! Dan Bongino has solved the whole mystery anyway. With bold investigative journalism, he examined the blurry-but-also-HD “enhanced” 10-hour security footage of a door that was not Epstein’s cell, except you can clearly see everything, except for the parts missing, but that’s fine because the missing minutes prove the case even more. Using this airtight logic, Bongino confirmed Epstein absolutely, definitely, beyond-question killed himself.
So in conclusion:
- The files exist.
- But they don’t.
- And you’re a bad person for wanting them.
- Unless Trump wants them, in which case, good.
- But also, stop asking and stop supporting Trump if you care about them
- Ask Bill Clinton.
- Pam Bondi has them.
- Or maybe she doesn’t.
- It was Phase 1.
- There is no Phase 2.
- Epstein killed himself.
- Because of a door.
Case closed. Permanently. Until tomorrow.
