Great Rants

SmarterThanYou said:
"You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosey, fucking, cheeks! Then you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat! . . . And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile at my fucking face. I want a fucking car RIGHT FUCKING NOW!"
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Steve Martin, Planes, Trains and Automobiles! That was a classic! LOL
 
CaptBillyTheKid said:
And another favorite

Beale: I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's worth; banks are going bust; shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter; punks are running wild in the street, and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it.

We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat. And we sit watching our TVs while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed to be!

We all know things are bad -- worse than bad -- they're crazy.

It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out any more. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we're living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, "Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials, and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone."

Well, I'm not going to leave you alone.

I want you to get mad!

I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot. I don't want you to write to your Congressman, because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street.

All I know is that first, you've got to get mad.

You've gotta say, "I'm a human being, goddammit! My life has value!"

So, I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it, and stick your head out and yell,

"I'm as mad as hell,

and I'm not going to take this anymore!!"
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That was certainly one of the all time great rants! BRAVO!! Network is a classic!!! LOL
 
CaptBillyTheKid said:
Since today is November the 5th I think this rant is entirely appropriate;

V: Good evening, London. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of the everyday routine, the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke. But in the spirit of commemoration - whereby those important events of the past, usually associated with someone's death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, are celebrated with a nice holiday - I thought we could mark this November the fifth, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat.
There are, of course, those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now orders are being shouted into telephones and men with guns will soon be on their way. Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there?
Cruelty and injustice...intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance, coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission. How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well certainly there are those who are more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable. But again, truth be told...if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror.
I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? War. Terror. Disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you and in your panic, you turned to the now High Chancellor Adam Sutler. He promised you order. He promised you peace. And all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent.
Last night, I sought to end that silence. Last night, I destroyed the Old Bailey to remind this country of what it has forgotten. More than four hundred years ago, a great citizen wished to embed the fifth of November forever in our memory. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice and freedom are more than words - they are perspectives. So if you've seen nothing, if the crimes of this government remain unknown to you, then I would suggest that you allow the fifth of November to pass unmarked. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek...then I ask you to stand beside me, one year from tonight, outside the gates of Parliament. And together, we shall give them a fifth of November that shall never, ever, be forgot!
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Hmmmm, this may prompt someone to post John Galt's speech. I don't think this site has enough bandwidth for that.
 
Technically not a rant. When my father first saw Pulp Fiction he didn't like it. He didn't "get it" and there was to much swearing. So I explained it him. I said "Dad, imagine your living an urban lifestyle and your best friend Eddie Guintinni from Chicago pulls into your drive way with a dead African American in his back seat from a job gone wrong. Imagine what your reaction would be?" I then played this scene and the key clicked into place and he about stroked out laughing.

Jules: Mmmm! Goddamn, Jimmie! This is some serious gourmet shit! Usually, me and Vince would be happy with some freeze-dried Taster's Choice right, but he springs this serious GOURMET shit on us! What flavor is this?
Jimmie: Knock it off, Julie.
Jules: [pause] What?
Jimmie: I don't need you to tell me how fucking good my coffee is, okay? I'm the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping she buys SHIT. I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it I want to taste it. But you know what's on my mind right now? It AIN'T the coffee in my kitchen, it's the dead nigger in my garage.
Jules: Oh, Jimmie, don't even worry about that...
Jimmie: No, No, No, No, let me ask you a question. When you came pulling in here, did you notice a sign out in front of my house that said Dead Nigger Storage?
Jules: Jimmie, you know I ain't seen no...
Jimmie: Did you notice a sign out in front of my house that said Dead Nigger Storage?
Jules: [pause] No. I didn't.
Jimmie: You know WHY you didn't see that sign?
Jules: Why?
Jimmie: 'Cause it ain't there, 'cause storing dead niggers ain't my fucking business, that's why!
 
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But this rates right up there with Beale and Sgt. Hartman for the all time greatest rant;

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."


Man, that's some cold ass smack to lay on a homey before you pop a cap in his ass.
 
There there is my favorite Dixie rant

In an attempt to keep the public informed about the risks of pinhead exposure, the Center for Dix-ease Control has issued the following guidelines, regarding this most dangerous disorder. Level 1 and 2 Pinheadedness is on the rise, according to poll data, and an epidemic is predicted between now and Tuesday. Please try to avoid contact with anyone who displays symptoms, it is highly contagious.


Level 1 Pinhead:

These are people most atypical of being a pinhead. Many of them live relatively normal lives and maintain an appearance of good overall rationality. They simply have the tendency to get caught up in their own ideology, and rationalize taking a pinhead stance on an issue or two. Bill O'Reilly fits into this category at times, ironically enough. This level of pinheadedness seems to transcend political ideology, which conflicts with the 'liberal gene' theory of why people are pinheads.

Level 2 Pinhead:

These are also known as mainstream democrats, yellow dog democrats, dyed-in-the-wool democrats, and life-long democrat supporters. A very loyal, but uninformed group, these pinheads seem to thrive off of each other's rhetoric, and are easily manipulated by Hollywood and the media, as well as any shiny objects. They are marginally educated, and limited on their perspectives, often able to only focus on single issues at a time, and a lack of understanding in anything of dynamic dimensionals.

Level 3 Pinhead:

This is the most dangerous and irretrievable condition of pinheadedness. These are the intellectual liberal cultural elite. The pointy-headed liberal professors, who have deemed themselves more intelligent than the rest of us morons, because of their diplomas and tenure. Once the mental disorder has spread to this extent, there is no cure. These pinheads will never believe anyone is smarter than them, and our existence in life, revolves around some book they read by a socialist at one time.
 
Anyone ever think that maybe it's the ignorant uneducated people who are incapable of understanding the educated, and not the other way around? Nah, that's crazy talk.
 
Mott the Hoople said:
Oh yea....the first half of that movie is pretty much on Hartman's rants. His one of Xmas day I about heaved a lung on too;


"Today... is Christmas! There will be a magic show at zero-nine-thirty! Chaplain Charlie will tell you about how the free world will conquer Communism with the aid of God and a few Marines! God has a hard-on for Marines because we kill everything we see! He plays His games, we play ours! To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep heaven packed with fresh souls! God was here before the Marine Corps! So you can give your heart to Jesus, but your ass belongs to the Corps! Do you ladies understand? "
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Another of the greatest rants of all time and the innocent comment that brings it on:

Audrey: I don't want to stay in the car anymore. I wanna go home. I don't want to go to Walley World. Rusty: Yeah! It's been a real drag, dad! Maybe we should try some other time. Ellen: What do you think?


Clark: I THINK YOU'RE ALL FUCKED IN THE HEAD! WE'RE THREE HOURS FROM THE FUCKIN' FUN PARK AND YOU WANT TO BAIL OUT! WELL I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING! THIS IS NO LONGER A VACATION! IT'S A QUEST. IT'S A QUEST FOR FUN! I'M GONNA HAVE FUN AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE FUN! WE'RE ALL GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUCKIN' FUN WE'RE GONNA NEED PLASTIC SURGERY TO REMOVE OUR GODDAMN SMILES! WE'LL ALL BE WHISTLIN' ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLES! I GOTTA BE CRAZY! I'M ON A QUEST TO SEE A MOOSE! PRAISE MARTY MOOSE!
 
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SmarterThanYou said:
"You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosey, fucking, cheeks! Then you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat! . . . And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile at my fucking face. I want a fucking car RIGHT FUCKING NOW!"
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An ABSOLUTE classic!!
 
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