Greatest british jokes

Here are few, fifty in fact.


1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."



2. "I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu."



3. "Dyslexic man walks into a bra"



4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"



5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag "I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays", was fifth.



6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.



7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.



8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.



9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.



10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."



11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.



12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.



13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".



14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."



15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"



16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.



17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband".



18. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."



19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".



20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.



21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"



22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.



23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"



24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"



25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".



26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.



27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away
.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."



29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"



30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.



31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".



32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"



33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.



34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.



35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".


36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.



37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"



38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster



39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"



40. I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".



41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.



42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.



43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.



44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."



45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.



46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.



47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.



48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.



49. A seal walks into a club...



50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
 
How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in England? Because everywhere else it would have been called the Teethbrush.
 
There are four kinds of people in the UK -

First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on.

Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.

Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.

Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, - thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.
 
In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day.

Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen".

With this, the English general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned.

An hour later, the same voice was heard. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman".

With this the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned.

An hour later the same voice. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman".

Down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned.

An hour later. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman".

By this time, the English general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill.

He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERE'S TWO OF THE BASTARDS."
 
1. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

2. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

3. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

4. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

5. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

6. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

7. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

8. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

9. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

10. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

11. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

12. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

13. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

14. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

15. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

16. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

17. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

18. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

19. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD
 
Socrtease said:
In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day.

Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen".

With this, the English general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned.

An hour later, the same voice was heard. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman".

With this the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned.

An hour later the same voice. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman".

Down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned.

An hour later. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman".

By this time, the English general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill.

He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERE'S TWO OF THE BASTARDS."
Click to expand...

This was recirculated, during the war on Iraq.
The British were replaced by Iraqies and the Scots by American Marines.
It's still funny.
 
Socrtease said:
In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day.

Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen".

With this, the English general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned.

An hour later, the same voice was heard. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman".

With this the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned.

An hour later the same voice. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman".

Down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned.

An hour later. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman".

By this time, the English general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill.

He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERE'S TWO OF THE BASTARDS."
Click to expand...

At an art auction in Edinburgh, Scotland, a wealthy American lost his wallet containing £20,000. He announced to the gathering that that he would give a reward of £200 to the person who found it.


From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll give £250.'
 
I came across this joke, yeh I know it's not British.

Texan: 'Where are you from?'
Harvard graduate: 'I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.'
Texan: 'OK, where in California do you come from, Jackass?'
 
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