If World War One was a bar fight

C

cancel2 2022

Canceled
This is very clever and instructive to boot.


bar-fight.jpg



Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint.

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Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view.
Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria’s trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it’s looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.
Britain and France ask Germany whether it’s looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
 
You forgot the part where the Irish punched the British in the balls when they weren't looking.
 
MakeMeASandwichBitch said:
WWI: millions of people died because of how stupid Europeans are. There weren't any good guys in that war.
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It's unfortunate that it took self imulation and slaughter to end the horrific historical period of European imperialism but the world is certianly now a better place the Europe has been put in its place. No question there.
 
Threedee said:
America should have stayed out of the fight, but Britain claimed that Germany had slipped ruffies into America's drink.
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Naw, that's not what happened. The Germans, in between bouts of fighting, went over to the Mexicans and whispered in their ear that if the Americans didn't bend over and kiss their ass they were going to bitch slap their punk ass and wanted know that if they did would Mexico sneak up behind America and sucker punch her but that nelly bitch Britain was right behind Germany and heard it and went straight over to America and tattled to America what Germany had just said to Mexico and America got it's panties in a wad cause just before that, while Britain and Germany were fighting, Germany had just knocked over America's great big stein of Lusitania lager. Needless to say, America was pissed.
 
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Mott the Hoople said:
It's unfortunate that it took self imulation and slaughter to end the horrific historical period of European imperialism but the world is certianly now a better place the Europe has been put in its place. No question there.
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All that really happened was that the USA took over the role instead.
 
Mott the Hoople said:
It's unfortunate that it took self imulation and slaughter to end the horrific historical period of European imperialism but the world is certianly now a better place the Europe has been put in its place. No question there.
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Now if we could get the Middle East to emerge from their Dark Ages we'd have a pretty nice planet to live on.
 
tom prendergast said:
All that really happened was that the USA took over the role instead.
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Took over the role as the worlds 800 lb gorilla super power? Yes, but the USA does not have, or at least not to the degree or scope that the Europeans had, the colonial possesions or territories nor have we become economically dependant on those territories for raw materials and markets for finished goods as the European Imperialist were.

So that's not really a fair comparison as it was the competiton for colonial territories and colonial markets between the European impreliast nations that was the ultimate cause of WWI and WWII. The fact that it cost many millions of lives to end European imprerialism was a great human tragedy, but the world is now a better place that this period of history has ended. As for America sitting on top of it's lofty pedestal as the proxy winners of WWI and WWII...well nothing is forever. Personally, as long as we maintain our ability to defend our self and keep our high standard of living for our population, I'd rather see it end sooner then later so we don't end up like Europe did.
 
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Damocles said:
Now if we could get the Middle East to emerge from their Dark Ages we'd have a pretty nice planet to live on.
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I agree. The middle east needs the western equivalent of the Renassaince and Reformation. The problem is, I don't think they can be dragged kicking and sreaming into modernity by the western powers. At least not with out a great deal of blood shed.
 
Mott the Hoople said:
Took over the role as the worlds 800 lb gorilla super power? Yes, but the USA does not have, or at least not to the degree or scope that the Europeans had, the colonial possesions or territories nor have we become economically dependant on those territories for raw materials and markets for finished goods as the European Imperialist were.

So that's not really a fair comparison as it was the competiton for colonial territories and colonial markets between the European impreliast nations that was the ultimate cause of WWI and WWII. The fact that it cost many millions of lives to end European imprerialism was a great human tragedy, but the world is now a better place that this period of history has ended. As for America sitting on top of it's lofty pedestal as the proxy winners of WWI and WWII...well nothing is forever. Personally, as long as we maintain our ability to defend our self and keep our high standard of living for our population, I'd rather see it end sooner then later so we don't end up like Europe did.
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As a side product of WWI and WWII it's now basically impossible to successfully manage a colonial empire. Conquering a nation simply to expand your land is practically causa bellum with the whole world now. When the US invaded Afghanistan and Iraq we had to make it very clear that the intent was to establish new independent countries, and we still lost a huge amount of diplomatic capital, especially on the Iraq clusterfuck.
 
MakeMeASandwichBitch said:
As a side product of WWI and WWII it's now basically impossible to successfully manage a colonial empire. Conquering a nation simply to expand your land is practically causa bellum with the whole world now. When the US invaded Afghanistan and Iraq we had to make it very clear that the intent was to establish new independent countries, and we still lost a huge amount of diplomatic capital, especially on the Iraq clusterfuck.
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and that's a good thing. Keep in mind European colonialist were responsible for two wars that resulted in the deaths of over 100 million persons and a half a million of our own people in the first half of the 20th century. The fact that the world is sensitve to the evil that is imperialism is a damned good thing, even if that mean American interst are thwarted.
 
I think you missed the part where Germany, Britain, and France stopped to down a couple of shots in celebration of life together before resuming punching each other.
 
Mott the Hoople said:
Naw, that's not what happened. The Germans, in between bouts of fighting, went over to the Mexicans and whispered in their ear that if the Americans didn't bend over and kiss their ass they were going to bitch slap their punk ass and wanted know that if they did would Mexico sneak up behind America and sucker punch her but that nelly bitch Britain was right behind Germany and heard it and went straight over to America and tattled to America what Germany had just said to Mexico and America got it's panties in a wad cause just before that, while Britain and Germany were fighting, Germany had just knocked over America's great big stein of Lusitania lager. Needless to say, America was pissed.
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So, that Zimmermann Telegram, sent from the Germans to the Mexicans in English, and intercepted by the British doesn't ring any alarm bells for you?
 
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