Responsible Education Reform Means Having All Liberal College Professors Executed by the State
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 08:50 AM
Higher education is important to this country. Without good colleges, we would...
Ah, screw the lede. Let's get to the main point: liberal college professors should be rounded up and executed by the state. If you don't know why, then you haven't been to college or paid much attention to the news.
" These people are spreading lies to our children at their most vulnerable age - their early twenties .” I know; a lot of you are probably squeamish at the phrase "rounded up and executed by the state," but let's look at this logically. Liberal college professors are annoying. When I was in college, I just wanted to learn about digital circuits, but they made me take classes about literature and other crap where the professor would spout about how horrible the white man is and how bad America is. I'd then start to charge him to strangle him, but then I realized that might cost me a letter grade.
See? Students can't handle this themselves. These people are spreading lies to our children at their most vulnerable age - their early twenties - about how America is evil. This gives comfort to terrorists... or it would if anyone took them seriously. In the least, it's irritating.
"But why execution?" you might ask. Because just shutting them up would be abridging their freedom of speech which is unconstitutional. Execution, on the other hand, is perfectly constitutional. And before you say we're executing them for their speech, I remind you that we'll be executing them for their speech and for being college professors. They sought out these positions as evil propagandists, and now it's time for the chickens to come home to roost. And you know what that means...
Eggs!
...or something. Anyway, it'll be funny, because, when we round then up, they'll be like, "See! You're just as evil and fascist as our fevered minds imagined!"
And we can answer, "Actually, we weren't. But then we got the idea from you!"
There will probably be some protest from other countries such as France saying, "First they round up and kill their intellectuals! Who will the vile Americans kill next?"
We should have our ambassador answer, "Maybe the Europeans." That'll shut 'em up.
Now you might be asking who will teach in place of the now condemned professors. Well, most of those weren't doing much teaching anyway... at least in any subject that is useful. If we need to replace them, though, I'd say use good 'ole American grizzled Marine drill instructors.
"By the end of this class, you will either love America or fear it as an angry god!"
So let's get to this. It's for The Children™.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Proper Handgun Usage While Parasailing" and "Frank's Bible Study Guide - Now Condemned by Most Religious Authorities!".
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