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I was at a pub quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa .
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.


You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache"
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!


Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”


The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.

 
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A CEO, a union member and a tea partier are having a meeting. There are twelve cookies on a plate. The CEO takes 11 cookies and says to the tea patier; "That union guy wants part of your cookie."
 
Dune said:
A CEO, a union member and a tea partier are having a meeting. There are twelve cookies on a plate. The CEO takes 11 cookies and says to the tea patier; "That union guy wants part of your cookie."
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thatssofunny128496724432187500.jpg
 
I used to have dyslexia as a child but I'm much better now. I was rummaging around in the loft recently and I came across some old dairies, ahh mammaries mammaries.
 
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tom prendergast said:
I hate to say it but you are not all bad.
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No I'm not Tom, and neither are you. You tend to the loonie left however, which is illogical and therefore an indicator of mental retardation. Also you tend to be a pompous bore at times. Other then that though I'm sure you're a fine fellow. :good4u:
 
how about this....

the hotel manager was standing behind the checkin desk when a tired tourist comes in...."I don't have a reservation, but I have to find a room"...

the manager explained he was booked up, and since there was a convention in town he wouldn't be able to help....

the tourist laid a hundred dollar bill on the counter..."are you sure you haven't got something?".....

"Well, I have a room scheduled for remodeling. Here's the key. Take a look at it and if you think it will do, I'll get housekeeping to get it ready." The tourist gets on the elevator.

The hotel's bakery supplier bursts in the door. "Look, you're three weeks behind on your bills and I'm not delivering any more bread until you make a payment". The manager looks at the hundred dollar bill and decides, that guy isn't going to find anything else, he'll take the room. He hands the $100 to the baker, who turns and leaves.

He's hardly out the door when he runs into his bookie. "Been looking for you my friend. Sorry your bet didn't pay off. I need my $100 now". Reluctantly, the baker hands over the bill.

The bookie crosses the street to his lawyer's office. Surprisingly, the door is locked, but he pounds on it anyway. The lawyer opens the door. His hair is disheveled and his shirt untucked. The bookie says "here's the last of the money I owe you for getting me off charges last week".

As he walks off an attractive woman walks out of the lawyer's office. He hands her the $100 which she tucks in her blouse. She crosses the street to the hotel and walks up to the manager.

"Here's your hundred for this month, Jimmy. And thanks for that tip about the salesman from Omaha. He was a goldmine". She laid the bill on the counter.

Just then the elevator opened and the tourist came out. He said, "sorry, that room simply won't do", picked up the $100 and left.

The only difference between my story and Obama's economic recovery plan is that in my story, only the lawyer got screwed.......
 
PostmodernProphet said:
how about this....

the hotel manager was standing behind the checkin desk when a tired tourist comes in...."I don't have a reservation, but I have to find a room"...

the manager explained he was booked up, and since there was a convention in town he wouldn't be able to help....

the tourist laid a hundred dollar bill on the counter..."are you sure you haven't got something?".....

"Well, I have a room scheduled for remodeling. Here's the key. Take a look at it and if you think it will do, I'll get housekeeping to get it ready." The tourist gets on the elevator.

The hotel's bakery supplier bursts in the door. "Look, you're three weeks behind on your bills and I'm not delivering any more bread until you make a payment". The manager looks at the hundred dollar bill and decides, that guy isn't going to find anything else, he'll take the room. He hands the $100 to the baker, who turns and leaves.

He's hardly out the door when he runs into his bookie. "Been looking for you my friend. Sorry your bet didn't pay off. I need my $100 now". Reluctantly, the baker hands over the bill.

The bookie crosses the street to his lawyer's office. Surprisingly, the door is locked, but he pounds on it anyway. The lawyer opens the door. His hair is disheveled and his shirt untucked. The bookie says "here's the last of the money I owe you for getting me off charges last week".

As he walks off an attractive woman walks out of the lawyer's office. He hands her the $100 which she tucks in her blouse. She crosses the street to the hotel and walks up to the manager.

"Here's your hundred for this month, Jimmy. And thanks for that tip about the salesman from Omaha. He was a goldmine". She laid the bill on the counter.

Just then the elevator opened and the tourist came out. He said, "sorry, that room simply won't do", picked up the $100 and left.

The only difference between my story and Obama's economic recovery plan is that in my story, only the lawyer got screwed.......
Click to expand...

Not a bad joke but I suspect you've doctored it to suit your political outlook.
 
Damn Yankee said:
No I'm not Tom, and neither are you. You tend to the loonie left however, which is illogical and therefore an indicator of mental retardation. Also you tend to be a pompous bore at times. Other then that though I'm sure you're a fine fellow. :good4u:
Click to expand...

I'm considered to be a conservative in my neck of the woods, your woods are entirely different.
 
tom prendergast said:
I'm considered to be a conservative in my neck of the woods, your woods are entirely different.
Click to expand...

Yes America is very different, having dumped the crown long ago for true freedom. I would love to send all our liberals to Europe so they can have a taste for what they strive for here.
 
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