More Jokes

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”

HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”

WIFE: “Why not - don’t you like being married?”

HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”

WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”

HUSBAND: “Okay, I’d get married again.”

WIFE: “You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”

HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”

WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”

HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”

WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”

HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”

WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”

HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”

WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”

HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”

WIFE: - - - silence - -

HUSBAND: “F**k”
 


John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realise it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologised and mentioned that he didn't realise that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that you were sent you a letter telling you that your licence had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
 
tom prendergast said:


I was at a pub quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa .
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.


You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache"
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!


Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”


The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.
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I burst out laughing when I read the second one even though it's non-PC and I'll probably go to hell for liking it.
 
tom prendergast said:


John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realise it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologised and mentioned that he didn't realise that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that you were sent you a letter telling you that your licence had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
Click to expand...

My guess is their marriage didn't last. My wife and I make quite a tag team when up against authority. God help the cop who stops us, or the high school teacher who accuses one of our kids of cheating.
 
Damn Yankee said:
My guess is their marriage didn't last. My wife and I make quite a tag team when up against authority. God help the cop who stops us, or the high school teacher who accuses one of our kids of cheating.
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What if you kid is cheating, I hate parents like you, who defend their children even when they are to blame! Parents like yourself are part of our societal problem who raise children who don't suffer consequences.

Boo hiss
 
Rana said:
What if you kid is cheating, I hate parents like you, who defend their children even when they are to blame! Parents like yourself are part of our societal problem who raise children who don't suffer consequences.

Boo hiss
Click to expand...

I didn't say the kid was cheating but accused of cheating. Nice baseless assumption on your part though. :good4u:
 
Damn Yankee said:
I didn't say the kid was cheating but accused of cheating. Nice baseless assumption on your part though. :good4u:
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Read your statement, you are ready to jumpy down throats before even knowing if your child is guilty or innocent. I have seen your type in action and you are the type of parent whose child is never guilty, it just isn't possible.

Good try, you should have phrased it differently, like they were wrongfully accused. It that case, I would be a mother bear, but not until I had established their innocence and knew they were being framed or there was mistaken identity.
 
Rana said:
Read your statement, you are ready to jumpy down throats before even knowing if your child is guilty or innocent. I have seen your type in action and you are the type of parent whose child is never guilty, it just isn't possible.

Good try, you should have phrased it differently, like they were wrongfully accused. It that case, I would be a mother bear, but not until I had established their innocence and knew they were being framed or there was mistaken identity.
Click to expand...

Not only did I read it, but I wrote it. Nice baseless assumption on your part. :good4u:

By the way, if my kids actually do something wrong, the worst thing they have to fear is me. :)
 
I always hated the parents in sports who would bitch at coaches, as if they knew what the hell they were talking about. ZOMG, my Timmy should be playing more innings!!
 
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and heagreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd gradershould know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can goto the 3rd grade"
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.


 
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