OPERATION Bombstein Peace: White House Launches Totally Normal, Definitely Not A Distraction Military Spectacle

[Number Six]

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The administration of President Donald J Trump announced the commencement of Operation Bombstein Peace, a sweeping military initiative whose purpose remains unclear even to the people launching it.

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt opened the morning briefing by slamming a binder onto the podium labeled “NOT A DISTRACTION (STOP ASKING)”.

“Let me be absolutely clear,” Leavitt said, “Operation Bombstein Peace has nothing to do with any unrelated scandals, rumors, allegations, or billionaire adjacent island related news cycles. The timing is purely coincidental, like how tornadoes are coincidental to trailer parks.”

What Is Operation Bombstein Peace? According to a hastily stapled Pentagon fact sheet:

• It is a “precision adjacent kinetic demonstration of resolve.”
• It involves planes, drones, and at least one balloon the size of a CVS.
• Its strategic objective is listed as:
  
  1. Make loud noises
  2. Look decisive
  3. Do not mention the thing we’re not mentioning.

Congress Responds With Its Usual Mix of Outrage Members of Congress reacted swiftly, issuing a bipartisan statement reading:

“We are deeply concerned about the constitutional implications of Operation Bombstein Peace, and we will be holding a hearing about it sometime between now and the heat death of the universe.”

As reporters continued asking whether Operation Bombstein Peace was meant to overshadow certain high profile document releases, Leavitt abruptly ended the briefing by shouting: “THERE IS NO CONNECTION! STOP DRAWING RED STRING ON YOUR WALLS!”

She then fled the room, leaving behind a stack of talking points titled: “How to Answer Questions Without Answering Questions.”