So, I was driving down the highway, on my way home from work, and then...

F

FUCK THE POLICE

911 EVERY DAY
the car suddenly started coasting as if the engine were in neutral, even though

1) It was not, and
2) I was flooring it

Subsequently, the oil, engine, and break lights came on, and the power steering and braking stopped working. Sensing that the stars on this night were just not in my favor, I calmly proceeded to lurch the thing into a not-on-the-roadish direction, as the road is a bad place to be at such times (or so my sources tell me). I let it roll on the grass for the period of time it took me to me to come to terms with the fact that the break pedal just wasn't my friend anymore and pull on the parking brake.

Shortly after this, the engine stalled (general strike, I suppose). So, I got out, and, for some reason, checked the oil. This did not turn out so well in the darkness; I garnered little usable information out of the operation. Then I got back into the car and tried cranking the engine. It started. I got a good five seconds or so before it stalled again, wildly exceeding my expectations.

So, on a scale from "fucked" to "time to start sucking dicks to pay for a new car", how fucked do you think I am?
 
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To give some exposition of the least interesting and most tedious sort, I've had an oil leak for the past six months*, and recently agreed to my mother's boyfriend's request to try putting degreaser on it and power wash it clean so that we could identify the source of the leak more easily. On the way home, it was misfiring, the rpm's did not seem entirely correct (especially when idling - it'd go down to nearly below 500 if I didn't give it gas), and I encountered a flashing engine light, which I took to be some sort of more ominous version of the typical engine light. The next day, my brother took it for a little spin, and discovered that it was hugely underpowered (it only seemed to give you a tiny amount of power no matter how hard you pressed down on the gas pedal; in the highest gear, on cruise control, it would actually slow down going up even pretty pathetic inclines, and it took forever to get to 65).

We didn't drive it after that point. Our next planned move was to take it to my mother's boyfriend's to check on it (he had a thingy-that-check-the-computers-error-codes). Today, however, I was under the false impression that it was friday, when I have no work, until around 2:00, when I discovered that it was saturday, and that I had work at 4:00. So, I was left in a pretty precarious position. I decided to drive the car, with my mother's boyfriend's reassurances. Before I left, though, I disconnected the batteries negative post from the battery for 15 seconds in order to reset the cars computer, and, finding on my way to work that no engine light reappeared during my trip, I felt somewhat reassured. This reassurance was, however, in error.

*During which time it has been low on oil many, many times, which I hear is not so good for the engine, but I suppose would lead to a failure of a different sort than the one here (it's always waiting in the shadows, though, much like the second cock in a double penetration porno). And the oil had just been topped up.
 
Is it your anti-lock breaking system (ABS)? I had a problem with it when I retardedly left chains on my tires and drove a too high a speed, causing the chains to slip off. One got caught up on the wheel, whipping around and causing minor damage to the body/light cover around it. It also severed the break fluid line, and annoyingly sliced the wire for my ABS. This was not cool.
 
Fluttershy said:
the car suddenly started coasting as if the engine were in neutral, even though

1) It was not, and
2) I was flooring it

Subsequently, the oil, engine, and break lights came on, and the power steering and braking stopped working. Sensing that the stars on this night were just not in my favor, I calmly proceeded to lurch the thing into a not-on-the-roadish direction, as the road is a bad place to be at such times (or so my sources tell me). I let it roll on the grass for the period of time it took me to me to come to terms with the fact that the break pedal just wasn't my friend anymore and pull on the parking brake.

Shortly after this, the engine stalled (general strike, I suppose). So, I got out, and, for some reason, checked the oil. This did not turn out so well in the darkness; I garnered little usable information out of the operation. Then I got back into the car and tried cranking the engine. It started. I got a good five seconds or so before it stalled again, wildly exceeding my expectations.

So, on a scale from "fucked" to "time to start sucking dicks to pay for a new car", how fucked do you think I am?
Click to expand...
First a question. Spit or swallow?
 
Fluttershy said:
To give some exposition of the least interesting and most tedious sort, I've had an oil leak for the past six months*, and recently agreed to my mother's boyfriend's request to try putting degreaser on it and power wash it clean so that we could identify the source of the leak more easily. On the way home, it was misfiring, the rpm's did not seem entirely correct (especially when idling - it'd go down to nearly below 500 if I didn't give it gas), and I encountered a flashing engine light, which I took to be some sort of more ominous version of the typical engine light. The next day, my brother took it for a little spin, and discovered that it was hugely underpowered (it only seemed to give you a tiny amount of power no matter how hard you pressed down on the gas pedal; in the highest gear, on cruise control, it would actually slow down going up even pretty pathetic inclines, and it took forever to get to 65).

We didn't drive it after that point. Our next planned move was to take it to my mother's boyfriend's to check on it (he had a thingy-that-check-the-computers-error-codes). Today, however, I was under the false impression that it was friday, when I have no work, until around 2:00, when I discovered that it was saturday, and that I had work at 4:00. So, I was left in a pretty precarious position. I decided to drive the car, with my mother's boyfriend's reassurances. Before I left, though, I disconnected the batteries negative post from the battery for 15 seconds in order to reset the cars computer, and, finding on my way to work that no engine light reappeared during my trip, I felt somewhat reassured. This reassurance was, however, in error.

*During which time it has been low on oil many, many times, which I hear is not so good for the engine, but I suppose would lead to a failure of a different sort than the one here (it's always waiting in the shadows, though, much like the second cock in a double penetration porno). And the oil had just been topped up.
Click to expand...
Yea that would just cause your engine to seize, trow a rod, blow a piston, etc. It wouldn't cause a simaltaneous failure or brakes and transmission.
 
LOL

Guess you missed the "Cash For Clunkers" program that der leader thought would help people like you.
 
Fluttershy said:
the car suddenly started coasting as if the engine were in neutral, even though

1) It was not, and
2) I was flooring it

Subsequently, the oil, engine, and break lights came on, and the power steering and braking stopped working. Sensing that the stars on this night were just not in my favor, I calmly proceeded to lurch the thing into a not-on-the-roadish direction, as the road is a bad place to be at such times (or so my sources tell me). I let it roll on the grass for the period of time it took me to me to come to terms with the fact that the break pedal just wasn't my friend anymore and pull on the parking brake.

Shortly after this, the engine stalled (general strike, I suppose). So, I got out, and, for some reason, checked the oil. This did not turn out so well in the darkness; I garnered little usable information out of the operation. Then I got back into the car and tried cranking the engine. It started. I got a good five seconds or so before it stalled again, wildly exceeding my expectations.

So, on a scale from "fucked" to "time to start sucking dicks to pay for a new car", how fucked do you think I am?
Click to expand...

First leaking oil s never a good sign and one should never wait six months to check it out.

Definitely sounds like you blew a rod and I am not talking about a kinky sex act with Homo Howey.

Is the car paid for? How old is it? May be time to scrap it and buy a new one depending in age and miles.

But, you are definitely fucked
 
If you just powerwashed it, a wet distributor cap will do exactly what you described.
 
'
For the last 15 or so years I had a fully expensed company car but now that I've taken voluntary redundancy I do my own servicing mostly. I won't change oil though that is just too messy.
 
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