I have a tendency to hyper-emphasize "rules" in my thinking. I suffered from what is commonly called "Scrupulosity". While I am fully aware that "rules" are things that can get between someone and God, for someone like me, those rules still rode my consciousness. In many ways I was allowing religion to drive my thoughts and not necessarily for the better. I was too focused on what I got "wrong".
But all of that wasn't enough to really cause me to leave religion. It was a hard go of it for a very long time but I held onto my belief. However as I got older and started to realize that religion was becoming a one-sided experience for me. I never really FELT God's presence. I honestly felt like I was just sending letters to an abandoned address.
Scrupulosity is a tough gig. It isn't a "rational" choice, it is the way some of us are wired. The problem, however, for me was that I began to realize that the scrupulosity that was tearing me apart was in service to something that I didn't really feel a connection to. It felt like an unnecessary torture with no "up-side", no greater comfort from God, just more fear that I had failed somehow.
I began to realize that religion wasn't working for me. That if I didn't feel any connection to God or his presence or even that he existed, I was merely torturing myself for no reason.
I walked away from the faith.
I've read expansively on the history of the faith as well. It began to feel more and more and more like it was just something someone made up. So it became easier to dissociate from it.
DOn't get me wrong. I have nothing against Christianity. Almost all of my friends are Christians and they lead good lives and I love and respect them. I even see the value they enjoy from their faith. A value I was unable to tap into, but I see it there for them. There's a LOT of my moral code and values that is informed by my 30+ years as a Christian. And even still a lot of stuff from the Bible that I really value.
Just not the supernatural stuff anymore.
