Tell a joke, riddle, or just something funny.(See post for what is not acceptable)

Jade Dragon

Jade Dragon

And I'm the one that jaded you.
Don't do any political, racist, sexist jokes. Sexual is OK, but don't get sick. Also no personal attacks, this is supposed to be good fun. I should have figured certain people would go that low road.

I'll start with something a bit different.

If a Turducken is a chicken, in a duck, in a turkey; What is a chicken, in a duck, in a pheasant?
 
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The sexual life of a camel
is harder than anyone thinks:
at the height of the mating season
he attempted to bugger the Sphinx -
but the orifice was too narrow
and was blocked by the sands of the Nile,
which accounts for the hump on the camel
and the Sphinx's inscrutable smile!
 
Three contractors are bidding on a gobblement project. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a democrat party official to examine the proposal. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the democrat party official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to do the job." "Done!" replies the democrat. And that, my friends, is how crony capitalism works.
 
:laugh::laugh:

Here's the nicer version:

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

The pair of them went to Manhasset,
(Nan and the man with the asset.)
Pa followed them there,
But they left in a tear,
And as for the asset, Manhasset.

Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
(Nan and the man with the bucket.)
Pa said to the man,
"You're welcome to Nan."
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
 
What is the difference between President Trump and a sperm?

A sperm has a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
 
iolo said:
What is the difference between President Trump and a sperm?

A sperm has a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Click to expand...

What is the difference between Hillary Clinton and a sperm?

The sperm has a greater chance of creating a human being than Hillary has at being President.
 
This guy goes to San Francisco and wants to see Golden Gate Park. He gets there and is wandering around and sees this roped off part with a sign that says 'Danger! Quick Sand'. He becomes a little curious since he's never seen quick sand before. So, he ducks under the rope and starts looking around. Lo and behold, before he knows it, he's in the quick sand. He tries getting out but the more he struggles, the worse it gets. He starts yelling for help (Help! Help!). And somebody hears him and comes to help. The Good Samaritan sees the guy up to his waist, looks around, and grabs a branch that's laying on the ground. He reaches it out and says "Will you suck my Dick?". The sinking guy says "What?" The Good Samaritan repeats himself, "Will you suck my Dick if I pull you out?" The sinking guy says "Hell no". The Good Samaritan immediately pulls the branch away and says "Fuck You" and walks off. The sinking guy is now up to his chest and starts screaming for help again. Another Good Samaritan hears the screams and approaches the sinking man. He sees the branch, grabs it, and holds it out saying "If I pull you out will you suck my Dick?" "Fuck No" says the guy slowly sinking. Again, the Good Samaritan retracts the branch and says "Fuck You" and walks off. Now, ... the guy is up to his neck, he's desperate. He's screaming at the top of his lungs for help. Finally, at the last minute, a third Good Samaritan walks up, sees the man in trouble, grabs the branch, and holds it out. The sinking man says "I'll suck you Dick, Man". The Good Samaritan says "What?" The sinking man says it again but even louder "I'll suck your Dick, ... I swear to God I'll suck you Dick!" The Good Samaritan takes the branch, sticks it on the man's head and pushes him under the quick sand muttering "Fucking Queer!".




Jade Dragon said:
Don't do any political, racist, sexist jokes. Sexual is OK, but don't get sick. Also no personal attacks, this is supposed to be good fun. I should have figured certain people would go that low road.

I'll start with something a bit different.

If a Turducken is a chicken, in a duck, in a turkey; What is a chicken, in a duck, in a pheasant?
Click to expand...
 
Jack said:
This guy goes to San Francisco and wants to see Golden Gate Park. He gets there and is wandering around and sees this roped off part with a sign that says 'Danger! Quick Sand'. He becomes a little curious since he's never seen quick sand before. So, he ducks under the rope and starts looking around. Lo and behold, before he knows it, he's in the quick sand. He tries getting out but the more he struggles, the worse it gets. He starts yelling for help (Help! Help!). And somebody hears him and comes to help. The Good Samaritan sees the guy up to his waist, looks around, and grabs a branch that's laying on the ground. He reaches it out and says "Will you suck my Dick?". The sinking guy says "What?" The Good Samaritan repeats himself, "Will you suck my Dick if I pull you out?" The sinking guy says "Hell no". The Good Samaritan immediately pulls the branch away and says "Fuck You" and walks off. The sinking guy is now up to his chest and starts screaming for help again. Another Good Samaritan hears the screams and approaches the sinking man. He sees the branch, grabs it, and holds it out saying "If I pull you out will you suck my Dick?" "Fuck No" says the guy slowly sinking. Again, the Good Samaritan retracts the branch and says "Fuck You" and walks off. Now, ... the guy is up to his neck, he's desperate. He's screaming at the top of his lungs for help. Finally, at the last minute, a third Good Samaritan walks up, sees the man in trouble, grabs the branch, and holds it out. The sinking man says "I'll suck you Dick, Man". The Good Samaritan says "What?" The sinking man says it again but even louder "I'll suck your Dick, ... I swear to God I'll suck you Dick!" The Good Samaritan takes the branch, sticks it on the man's head and pushes him under the quick sand muttering "Fucking Queer!".
Click to expand...
tenor.gif
 
What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? The washing machine won't follow you around for 6 months after you put a load in it.
 
I saw her snatch the suitcase from the closet?
I held but a moment in the rain?
I kissed her as we started for the depot?
To see her brother Jack off the train?:smile:

Redd Foxx
 
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