Tell a joke, riddle, or just something funny.(See post for what is not acceptable)
- Thread starter Jade Dragon
- Start date
Jade Dragon
And I'm the one that jaded you.
I scarcely know who Redd Foxx is. I just know he's an actor, on Sanford, and Son.
Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn't come up with the idea first. Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? "Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch."
_______________
It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby said it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes.
___________________
_______________
It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby said it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes.
___________________
You paid SK to post that because you didn't like my joke story.
(FYI, that story is highly appreciated in the LGBT Community in San Francisco)
A 'different' 50 shades of grey....
.
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as he enjoyed the moment.
.
His wife moved forwards, then backwards, forwards, then backwards again... and again...and again, back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out...in and out...........in and out, ever so slowly and gently trying to draw in and use every inch....
.
Her heart was pounding…pounding that she felt it would burst from her chest......her face was flushed............she was dripping with perspiration, then she moaned, oh so softly at first, then she began to groan louder and louder and louder.
.
Till finally and totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream, a scream that shook him to the very core and she shuddered to a sudden halt.
.
Her whole body was taut and stretched her face like crimson, finally gasping for every breath she said:
"OK!, OK! So I CAN'T parallel park the bloody car."
-------------
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth.”
.
Dr. Young: “Aaagh!! This is Gasoline!"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.”
.
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
.
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
.
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
.
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see anything!!!!"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
.
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
.
Moral of the story: Just because you're ‘Young’ doesn't mean that you can outsmart an ‘old Geezer’!
.
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
.
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as he enjoyed the moment.
.
His wife moved forwards, then backwards, forwards, then backwards again... and again...and again, back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out...in and out...........in and out, ever so slowly and gently trying to draw in and use every inch....
.
Her heart was pounding…pounding that she felt it would burst from her chest......her face was flushed............she was dripping with perspiration, then she moaned, oh so softly at first, then she began to groan louder and louder and louder.
.
Till finally and totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream, a scream that shook him to the very core and she shuddered to a sudden halt.
.
Her whole body was taut and stretched her face like crimson, finally gasping for every breath she said:
"OK!, OK! So I CAN'T parallel park the bloody car."
-------------
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth.”
.
Dr. Young: “Aaagh!! This is Gasoline!"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.”
.
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
.
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
.
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
.
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see anything!!!!"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
.
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
.
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
.
Moral of the story: Just because you're ‘Young’ doesn't mean that you can outsmart an ‘old Geezer’!
.
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
Jade Dragon
And I'm the one that jaded you.
TOP
Retired Teacher
If it was me, it would probably be Owl's telling the joke.
Jade: "If it was me, it would probably be Owl's telling the joke."
Owl: "Hmm, I don't know any jokes really. How about naughty limericks? lol"
Jack: Yes. But we both know Owl is humorless and only comes here to fight with people, so you had to go with SK. (shaking head) Bribing other Posters to personally attack me is really a new low for you.
(Hmmmmmmm ... maybe Yurt isn't such a bad guy after all???)
Jade Dragon
And I'm the one that jaded you.
Are you just funning as you often do, or do you actual think I'd tell some one to make a joke? If you actually ticked me off, you would have just joined Havana.
I went to the doctors last time I was ashore and found out my new doctor was a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was a little embarrassed but she said " Do not worry. I am a professional. I have seen it all before. Just tell me what is wrong and I will check it out. I said" My wife thinks my dick tastes funny. ... . .....".
