I just learned how to play this immensely popular game.
The Well-Known Game of Devil’s Triangle
1. The game requires three players: the Dealer, the Kavanaugh, and the Public.
2. The players are seated at the vertices of an equilateral triangle that has been drawn on a circular table using masking tape.
3. The Dealer and the Kavanaugh are each given a 14-oz. crystal Pilsner glass in Waterford’s Lismore pattern.
4. The Public is issued a red solo cup.
5. All three glasses are placed just inside the triangle, within easy reach of the players.
6. The Butler, who is not a player but is probably around given the players, fills the crystal glasses with Sapporo Space Beer, made from barley that was grown on the International Space Center. (1980s editions of the game substituted Westmalle Trippel.
7. The Public gets Natural Light in a can. Under no circumstances is it to be chilled.
8. Play proceeds clockwise, beginning with the Public.
9. On the Public’s turn, the player takes a quarter from his or her pocket and hands it to the Dealer.
10. Play then passes to the Dealer, who takes the quarter, puts it in his pocket, drinks his beer, and is served another
11. When play passes to the Kavanaugh, he also drinks his beer and is served another.
12. The Public is not allowed to touch his or her beer under any circumstances.
13. Play proceeds in this fashion until the Public runs out of money.
14. The Kavanaugh is summarily awarded a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court.
15. The Dealer throws a single quarter into the Public’s red solo cup filled with Natural Light and instructs him or her to “Slurp it up, poor-o!
16. The Public fishes the quarter out of the cup of warm beer, goes to the nearest pay phone, randomly dials a local number, and fruitlessly attempts to find anyone else on the planet who is dumb enough to believe that “Devil’s Triangle” is a drinking game, in hopes of beginning another game as the Dealer.
17. The Kavanaugh overturns Roe v. Wade.
Maybe there are other rules for playing The Devil’s Triangle that don’t end in utter disaster for the nation. Maybe Brett Kavanaugh will share them with us. But until he does, the healthiest response to being asked to keep a straight face for this bullshit is an obliteratingly stiff drink. Anything but beer.
