Best Divorce Letter Ever

Here's a great story a friend sent me that all the guys can relate to.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because.
She asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”
I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either
 
Mott the Hoople said:
Here's a great story a friend sent me that all the guys can relate to.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because.
She asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”
I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either
Click to expand...

:rofl:
 
Capt, if you wanted reputable Southerners, you shouldn't have mentioned Toppy, either, although Sol at least partially diffused that one...
 
Best southern joke:

This southern belle was at a society function in New York. She was sitting next to these two high society matrons. She turned to them, trying to start up a conversation, and asked "Hi, where are ya'll from?".
One matron looked down her nose at the southern girl and replied in a snooty voice, "We are from where one does not end a sentence in a preposition."
The southern belle saw it was a waste of time, but tried again. "We must have gotten off to a bad start. Let me try again" she said. Then, in her sweetest southern drawl asked, "Hi, where ya'll from Bitch?"
 
Here's a great Yankee Joke

Two Yankee's came down to Louisiana to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road and a sign that read "BEAR LEFT";


so they went home.
 
Young Mario was at the beach, and noticed that his older brother Alberto, a man of the world, had girls position themselves near him while he Mario, sat on his towel alone and ignored.

So Mario asked Alberto for a private talk and advice. Alberto, upon hearing his younger brother's question, told him to take a potato and put it in his Speedo. "Girls-a, they will-a love it" he said.

Mario does this, and proudly walks the beach. Then over to his towel, hence forth all the girls around him get up and move further away.

So Mario asked Alberto for a private talk and advice. Alberto, upon seeing his younger brother's Speedo, tells him "Mario, you fool-a, don't put-a the potato in the back".
 
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