Daughter's new boyfriend

[Scott]

I think that's going too far the other way. I think maybe an open ended question like "What do you think of your bf's views on x?" could be ok. Where to go from there would depend on her response(s).

I stay out of my children’s love life. It’s none of my business. I’m here to support my child. You interfere if you like, it often doesn’t end well, your relationship will suffer.

I don't have any children, sometimes I wonder if I ever will. My eldest sister has 2 daughters, and I can certainly agree that sometimes her comments on her children's viewpoints weren't always received in the best way, but I think that not commenting at all is worse. I also think that asking questions is perhaps the least intrusive way of broaching a subject. If they react negatively to a question, at that point, it might be best to just leave the issue alone.

 

[Damocles]

The moon landing was fake

You should pay for their wedding tomorrow

Do you really believe this, or are you being sarcastic? It matters. Believe me, had it been fake the world would have known, the USSR would not let the USA get away with faking that, it really was a space race and faking it would have had some real world consequences. The USSR also killed some cosmonauts trying to get there first, and lost.

 

[Yakuda]

Lol, I have a very healthy and loving relationship with all my children by butting out of their lives, unless they seek my advice. The bring people around not to “get your opinion” but because they are at a point in their relationship where they wish them to meet the family, at least that’s what’s happened with my four children.

This is the kind of simple minded bullshit thats a hallmark of leftists and leftism. Offering an opinion is not butting in. If you read the sample of what I would say, and have said to my kids, you would have seen I wish them nothing but happiness and have no desire to butt in on their lives. I firmly I believe people should be free to behave as stupidly as they like and I won't stop them but I will tell them they are behaving stupidly.

 

[Damocles]

lighten up......her mom did it.......

I actually LOL'd. Real out loud laughter...

 

[Phantasmal]

I don't have any children, sometimes I wonder if I ever will. My eldest sister has 2 daughters, and I can certainly agree that sometimes her comments on her children's viewpoints weren't always received in the best way, but I think that not commenting at all is worse. I also think that asking questions is perhaps the least intrusive way of broaching a subject. If they react negatively to a question, at that point, it might be best to just leave the issue alone.

You don’t have children, therefore no experience in the matter, come back and comment when you do. Offering advice when none is asked often leads to the very opposite effect you wish it to have. If the boyfriends beliefs start to interfere with your relationship, then I would ask questions, until then, I keep my opinions and questions to myself.

 

[Scott]

I should have guessed you would think honesty is bad advice. She brought him there to meet the family and get their opinion. People may not always be happy to hear honesty but it never sucks as much learning you've been lied to or someone didn't do anything to try and stop you from doing something stupid. The only reason you wouldn't do it is for yourself not your daughter you selfish prick.

Lol, I have a very healthy and loving relationship with all my children by butting out of their lives, unless they seek my advice. The bring people around not to “get your opinion” but because they are at a point in their relationship where they wish them to meet the family, at least that’s what’s happened with my four children.

Could it not be possible that different families function differently? I don't see any reason why in your family, this is the way that they prefer it, but other families prefer hearing their family's opinions. That doesn't mean they'll always agree with the opinions proferred, but they'd like to hear them. I'd even go so far as to say that different members of a family have different views on whether they'd like to hear opinions. I, for one, tend to like hearing opinions from family members, so long as it's done in a constructive way. My family being my family, they don't always do the "constructive" part, but I'd rather have an unconstructive comment once in a while from family than nothing at all.

Note that I draw the line on unconstructive comments at the family. Too much of that here and I tend to thread ban the person. I've never actually put someone on ignore here though. If I'm in someone else's thread, I tend to at least briefly skim over any comments directed at me even if it's from people I thread ban in my own threads.

 

[Phantasmal]

Could it not be possible that different families function differently? I don't see any reason why in your family, this is the way that they prefer it, but other families prefer hearing their family's opinions. That doesn't mean they'll always agree with the opinions proferred, but they'd like to hear them. I'd even go so far as to say that different members of a family have different views on whether they'd like to hear opinions. I, for one, tend to like hearing opinions from family members, so long as it's done in a constructive way. My family being my family, they don't always do the "constructive" part, but I'd rather have an unconstructive comment once in a while from family than nothing at all.

Note that I draw the line on unconstructive comments at the family. Too much of that here and I tend to thread ban the person. I've never actually put someone on ignore here though. If I'm in someone else's thread, I tend to at least briefly skim over any comments directed at me even if it's from people I thread ban in my own threads.

I have found allowing your children, as adults, to make their own decisions works best. I find it works in most families and most counselors will tell you the same thing.

 

[Scott]

You don’t have children, therefore no experience in the matter, come back and comment when you do.

It's true that I don't have children, but I -am- the child of 2 parents who are still alive, plus a stepmother and they've certainly weighed in on potential love interests now and again. My father is a bit like you, I tend to have to -ask- him what he thinks because he generally won't weigh in with words without some sort of solicitation, but I definitely like hearing what he has to say.

Offering advice when none is asked often leads to the very opposite effect you wish it to have.

It certainly can, but it can also have a positive effect. Again, it depends a lot of the family dynamics, not to mention how the advice is offered. Sometimes asking questions might be the best way to start things off.

If the boyfriends beliefs start to interfere with your relationship, then I would ask questions, until then, I keep my opinions and questions to myself.

If the boyfriend of a (currently hypothetical) daughter of mine believed the earth is flat, I can't imagine not asking her what she thought of that. It's the same reason that I tried to persuade my brother that the earth is spherical when he told me that he himself was a flat earther. I definitely think there's a limit to how far one should go with this. In the case of my brother, he's actually the one who wanted to discuss it more than me and my father. Finally, my father told me that he'd told my brother that he'd rather talk about other things, for instance how my brother's young daughter or partner are doing, and I decided that he was right to try to deviate from a subject where nothing productive seemed to be happening and told my brother the same.

 

[Scott]

Could it not be possible that different families function differently? I don't see any reason why in your family, this is the way that they prefer it, but other families prefer hearing their family's opinions. That doesn't mean they'll always agree with the opinions proferred, but they'd like to hear them. I'd even go so far as to say that different members of a family have different views on whether they'd like to hear opinions. I, for one, tend to like hearing opinions from family members, so long as it's done in a constructive way. My family being my family, they don't always do the "constructive" part, but I'd rather have an unconstructive comment once in a while from family than nothing at all.

Note that I draw the line on unconstructive comments at the family. Too much of that here and I tend to thread ban the person. I've never actually put someone on ignore here though. If I'm in someone else's thread, I tend to at least briefly skim over any comments directed at me even if it's from people I thread ban in my own threads.

I have found allowing your children, as adults, to make their own decisions works best. I find it works in most families and most counselors will tell you the same thing.

Agreed for the most part, so long as the finances are separated. If the adult children still rely on financial help from parents, that's where things get more complicated. From what I understood, we were previously just talking about advice/suggestions. Barring the financial ties thing, I think most people would agree that adult children should be free to agree or disagree with any such advice/suggestions as they see fit.

 

[zymurgy]

Lol, I have a very healthy and loving relationship with all my children by butting out of their lives, unless they seek my advice. The bring people around not to “get your opinion” but because they are at a point in their relationship where they wish them to meet the family, at least that’s what’s happened with my four children.

your offspring are the brain dead idiots, which is why this offends you so

 

[NiftyNiblick]

I had a pretty favorable impression of my daughter's boyfriend, even though he was eleven years older than she..

The marriage lasted nine years.
He's really not a bad guy from what I can tell.

If I could go fifty-plus with the Gestapo, one would think our second born could at least go ten.
But the guy is not Italian, so it's good that they didn't have any mick-dago kids--they tend to be psychotic.
And nobody has ever called me the grandfather type anyway.

Anyway, offspring #1, her big brother, got it right.
He never got married at all.
Our long running act [the Gestapo's and mine] was enough to convince him.

 

[Scott]

Lol, I have a very healthy and loving relationship with all my children by butting out of their lives, unless they seek my advice. The bring people around not to “get your opinion” but because they are at a point in their relationship where they wish them to meet the family, at least that’s what’s happened with my four children.

your offspring are the brain dead idiots, which is why this offends you so

This is why we can't have nice things -.-

I certainly have different views from Phantasmal on a variety of things, but I tend to avoid personal insults with everyone, and that applies double for anyone's loved ones.

 

[Lightbringer]

He sounds like a brain dead idiot. Here's what I would do, I would sit her down and say, "Honey the boy is a brain dead idiot. If I were you I would run the other way but if you really like him and think he's the guy for you then I hope you two are happy together." Nothing is ever lost by being honest but kind. She may wake up one day and realize you tried to warn her but let her experience the consequences of her decision.

As soon as I do that she'll love him forever.

 

[Scott]

He sounds like a brain dead idiot. Here's what I would do, I would sit her down and say, "Honey the boy is a brain dead idiot. If I were you I would run the other way but if you really like him and think he's the guy for you then I hope you two are happy together." Nothing is ever lost by being honest but kind. She may wake up one day and realize you tried to warn her but let her experience the consequences of her decision.

As soon as I do that she'll love him forever.

Lol . I think Yakuda's approach is too blunt myself. What about simply asking her what she thinks of his flat earth ideas, for instance? Having a brother who believed and perhaps still believes that the earth is flat, I definitely believe that a person can still have redeeming qualities even if they believe something like this. But that doesn't mean that the idea shouldn't be challenged. I certainly challenged my brother on it, so I don't see why you shouldn't at least ask your daughter what she thinks of the idea.

 

[Lightbringer]

Lol . I think Yakuda's approach is too blunt myself. What about simply asking her what she thinks of his flat earth ideas, for instance? Having a brother who believed and perhaps still believes that the earth is flat, I definitely believe that a person can still have redeeming qualities even if they believe something like this. But that doesn't mean that the idea shouldn't be challenged. I certainly challenged my brother on it, so I don't see why you shouldn't at least ask your daughter what she thinks of the idea.

No.

 

[Scott]

Lol . I think Yakuda's approach is too blunt myself. What about simply asking her what she thinks of his flat earth ideas, for instance? Having a brother who believed and perhaps still believes that the earth is flat, I definitely believe that a person can still have redeeming qualities even if they believe something like this. But that doesn't mean that the idea shouldn't be challenged. I certainly challenged my brother on it, so I don't see why you shouldn't at least ask your daughter what she thinks of the idea.

No.

I see. What do you think would happen if you asked her?

 

[Lightbringer]

I see. What do you think would happen if you asked her?

She's be all on on him forever.

 

[Scott]

I see. What do you think would happen if you asked her?

She's be all on on him forever.

You sure you're not being too pessimistic ?

 

[domer76]

...came to dinner today. This is the first time I met him. He started talking about the Titan implosion...then got all scientific by talking about how the moon landing didn't happen because of the firmament and oh yeah, the Earth is flat.

I'm torn, I don't want any stupid grandkids but I'm tempted to watch my daughter get what she deserves.

Not on good terms with your daughter that you would wish such a dullard for her?

 

[domer76]

I stay out of my children’s love life. It’s none of my business. I’m here to support my child. You interfere if you like, it often doesn’t end well, your relationship will suffer.

One of the things I loved, and still do, about my parents is they did not butt in to my (our) personal life. Never offered unsolicited advice, which BTW, is another word for criticism. They were always there when I needed them, though.