Tell a joke, riddle, or just something funny (non-PC)

An engineer dies and through a bureaucratic mistake is sent to Hell.

Upon arriving he finds the place a totally inefficient disaster. He quickly sets about fixing things. Soon Hell has working air conditioning, indoor plumbing and flush toilets, and microwaves for burritos.

God calls Satan to see how things are going. Satan says, "Since we got an engineer down here things are going great! We have air conditioning, flush toilets that work, and we're microwaving our snacks! This guy is great!"

"Hey, wait a minute!" God says. "All engineers are supposed to go to heaven because they're virgins who didn't have a social life. Send that guy up here to heaven immediately!"

Satan replies, "Hell no! This guy is great. We're keeping him where he is."

"I'm going to sue you," God replies. "You have no right to keep an engineer in Hell!"

Satan starts laughing, "Go ahead and sue! Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
 
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A taliban crossing a desert.
Finally approaching a false oasis to find a Jew selling ties.

Half dead from thirst he comes face to face.
Do you have any water?

The Jew replies no I have no water but I’ve these beautiful ties just $5 do you want one?

No I don’t want your western clothes I hate Jews and I would kill you but I must have water!

Well I have no water but to show you I’m the better man there’s a restaurant that way all the water you can drink.

I don’t care what you say I may come back and kill you.

The taliban makes his way thru the pass.

Later that day the Jewish man sees the taliban approaching waving a five dollar bill in the air.

They wouldn’t let me in without a tie.
 
Two old friends, a priest and a rabbi, met in a park as they'd done for years to feed the pigeons from their favourite park bench.

They'd become friends as boys and stayed friends as adults.

One day the priest asked his friend "Hyam, have you ever tasted ham?"

His friend, the Rabbi, thought for a bit then said "Yes, John. I've eaten pork. I once attended a friend's Christmas party. It had hors d'oeuvre, including ham and I ate several."

Both men thought for a bit then Hyam asked "John, have you ever had carnalH knowledge of a woman?"

John thought for a bit then said "Yes. There was a young lady I met before I took my vows. We had a beautiful relationship and, yes, I have had carnal knowledge of a woman."

Hyam nudges his friend and says "Better than ham isn't it?"
 
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
O
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
 
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door,
Jill said, "Wait a minute, I want to see how you unlock the door."

"Why?" John asks.

"Because I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

John says, "Well, give me some examples."

"Well," Jill explains, "if a guy shoves his key into the lock and opens the door hard,
then that means he is a rough lover and he isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can't
seem to find the keyhole, that means he is inexperienced and he isn't for me either. So,
how do you unlock your door?"

Without hesitation, John says, "Well, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
 
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