Catholic Humor

DamnYankee

DamnYankee

Loyal to the end
from an email.



Last Saturday, an aide to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Cardinal-Archbishop at his office in Washington, D.C. The aide told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and asked if the Cardinal would point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words, including calling her a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and Pelosi's views conflict with the Catholic Church ."

Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a donation check of $100,000 to the Archdiocese if you'll tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, we could certainly use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As the aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for Sunday Mass and seated herself prominently at the front of the church.

At the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present. He went on to explain to the congregation, "While Speaker Pelosi's presence might possibly be an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my favorite personages. Many of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church. She lied early and often about the Health Care overhaul. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb-sucker, and a nitwit. She is also a serial liar, a cheat, thief, and purchases Depends by the truck load.



Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to deceive the American people. She has a reputation for shirking her obligations in Washington and California, and for spending public money recklessly in pursuit of her personal comfort and aggrandizement.



Ms. Pelosi is not to be trusted, and should be ashamed to call herself a Catholic.





The Cardinal concluded, "However when compared with President Obama, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."
 
An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down.

The teacher says, 'Save the children!'

The lawyer yells, 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'

The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'
 
WM, nice to see you hit back with an actual Church teaching instead of just flaming... :cof1:

SM, I think you did much better with the super hot Catholic babe joke. Stick with Catholic titties, as you can never go wrong with that... :yay:
 
John Q dies and goes to heaven. He's met at the pearly gates by St. Pete who looks at the records of John's life and decides that he was worthy to enter heaven. St. Pete says welcome in, come along, it will take us a little while to get your wings ready but in the mean time let me give you the guided tour of heaven. So St. Pete takes John for a tour all over heaven.

Since heaven is a vast place filled with many angels it was a very lengthy tour. Eventually they came to a wall where there was a nice bench under the shade for weary travelers to rest.

John was deeply moved by what he had seen and as he sits on the bench with St. Pete he says. "Pete, I can't believe this, this is just incredible. Look at all the love and harmony up here. You have the Baptist over there holding hands with the Hindus and the Muslims over there are breaking bread with the Pentecostals and I see the Buddist are over there singing in harmony with the Jews, and all are getting along, this is just absolutely incredeible!"

St. Pete puts his fingers to his lips and says "Shhhhh"

John say's "What?"

St. Pete again puts his fingers to his lip, grimaces for emphasis and say's "shhhhhhh!"

John then whipsers "but Pete, why?"

St. Pete whipers back to him "Shhhhh, be very, very quiet!! The Catholics are on the other side of this wall and they think they are here by themselves!!"
 
On the guided tour of Heaven genre: a better one is the humble, pious, smalltown priest who wants to know why, after being walked through a large neighborhood that had a mansion, he only gets a small hobble of a cottage, and Pete informs him that the mansion belongs to a lawyer, and we just don't get many of those up here!!
 
The air conditioning system in Hell breaks down, and so Peter agrees to send Satan an A/C repairman to fix it. Three weeks later, the AC is fixed, and the repairman is still in Hell, so Peter goes down to confront Satan and demands that he be returned. Satan smiles and says, "no, we like having him down here." Peter gets mad and says, "you can't do that! W-we'll take you to court!!" Satan just chuckles and says "well that's fine, but where are you going to get the lawyers?"
 
I like this one.


A catholic nun met some young girls while travelling in a bus. She asked one of them, "What do you want to be when you grow up?'

"I want to be a doctor," came the reply.

"Very good," said the nun and asked another one the same question.

"I want to be a lawyer," came the reply.

She asked the third one and she said that she wanted to be a housewife.

She then turned towards a very serious-looking girl and asked her. "And what about you dear, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

The girl answered, "Prostitute"

The nun fainted. When the fellow passengers brought her back to her senses, she asked the girl the same question again.

"I want to be a prostitute," she answered again loudly.

The nun looked towards the heaven with folded hands and said, "Thank be to God, I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."
 
tom prendergast said:
I like this one.


A catholic nun met some young girls while travelling in a bus. She asked one of them, "What do you want to be when you grow up?'

"I want to be a doctor," came the reply.

"Very good," said the nun and asked another one the same question.

"I want to be a lawyer," came the reply.

She asked the third one and she said that she wanted to be a housewife.

She then turned towards a very serious-looking girl and asked her. "And what about you dear, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

The girl answered, "Prostitute"

The nun fainted. When the fellow passengers brought her back to her senses, she asked the girl the same question again.

"I want to be a prostitute," she answered again loudly.

The nun looked towards the heaven with folded hands and said, "Thank be to God, I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."
Click to expand...
Best one so far! :)
 
A new Priest from a small Italian town in in Rome. He walks down the street and a prostitute walks by and says "Blowjob 40 euro." The Priest is confused keeps walking, a little while later another prostitute walks by and says "Blowjob, 40 euro." More than just confused now he goes back to the Vatican. He is visibly shaken. A nun sees him and asks if he is ok. "I guess, I just...don't know...Sister, what's a blowjob?" "40 euro, just like in town."
 
Not strictly a Catholic joke, but then again most Irish are Catholics!!


An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
 
The Pope gets shot and is rushed to hospital. On his way to the operating room he whispers to the nurse "Am I in Heaven?" "No" replied the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward".
 
After meeting Susan Boyle and Michelle McManus on Friday, the Pope said that he was not surprised that his priests in Scotland were shagging young boys.
 
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