Tom's various old shit thread

2011-01-24-054_DishonestPinnocchio.jpg
 
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St.. Andrew's Hosp. Glasgow


2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . ... replied the patient..

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's, Bath


3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct... Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Royal London Hosp.

4. During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bed-ridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson - Maidenhead Royal , Kent


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .....' So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.


7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read ... 'Keep off the grass'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry ... had to mow the lawn.'
 
  • MAN FARTS IN SURGERY BURNS BALLS – NO LUCKY

    An unlucky man from Denmark had a hair-raising experience under the surgeons knife recently, the man had gone to hospital for a routine operation to remove a mole from his backside. The patient while having the operation suddenly farted and lit a spark causing his genitals to be bathed in fire as they had been doused with surgical spirits before the operation. He is now taking steps to sue the hospital. The man said "When I woke up, my penis and scrotum were burning like hell" The surgeon said of the incident "No-one considered the possibility the man would break wind during the operation, let alone that it would catch fire"
http://luckynolucky.com/
 
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family
member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and
somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried
faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time,
someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to 'try' to
not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to
control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to
ask, 'Why is the Democrat’s brain so much more than a Republican’s brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republican’s brains a lot lower because they've been used.'
 
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