Good Morning.
Ah, i trust your Valentine's Day went swimmingly.
No doubt your mail man is now the proud owner of a brand new hernia courtesy of an army of nameless lovers and your overly concerned mothers. I must say that i'm very much a fan of the old anonymous communication. I can only imagine what goes through a young lady's mind as she tears open a gaudy pink envelope to reveal a painstakingly crafted home-made card, featuring the seductive combination of love-hearts and kittens. Inside, a few carefully chosen romantic words from Wordsworth, Keats, or perhaps Yeats sets her pulse racing. A roving eye frantically scans the note for clues as to the identity of this mysterious, shadowy paramour but there is no signature to behold, no name, no number to call...simply a lock of freshly cut pubic hair formed into the shape of a heart and secured with sellotape and silver glitter.
And they say romance is dead, eh?
Missy and her friends prepare to cut open her boyfriends heart before shitting in it and flushing it down the toilet
Still, if you weren't lucky enough to receive some flowers, a card, or have a Polaroid of man's testicles pushed under your door, do not be downcast for, as they say, every cloud has a silver lining. I'm guessing that you unfortunate overlooked Valentinians are, more than likely, frighteningly obese and/or just plain ugly. So why not take advantage of the many heart-shaped boxes of confectionery, on special offer today, in order to temporarily boost your self-esteem? (TOP TIP: you can always sick it up later once the guilt sets in)
Formidable.
'I Love You Like A Madman' - The Wave Pictures