I tend to think along these lines on the two scenarios as well.
Here is where I am kind of going with this… Teachers are expected to police every exchange nowadays but the first exchange took place out of the hearing of the elementary teachers. Girl went home, told her mother and mom is on FB complaining about teachers. It is bullying, IMO, but somehow those teachers have to be made aware of the exchange.
The second was an exchange among high school boys last year. Nothing ever grew out of it but that exchange was used as an example of bullying and IMO it was just some banter and self-check on self-awareness among those HS boys.
To your last paragraph, nowadays most kids seem to have to be taught to do almost everything. I had a beard when I wanted one from the time I was a sophomore until I graduated. Around here when October rolled around it was time to grow a beard to get ready for deer season. I was one of two in HS at the time who could do it. My parents didn’t care.
Now my boy has a beard, pony tail and ear ring. Probably have a tattoo next. I would never have the latter three (nor do I condemn them) but I’m not him and his generation is much different than mine. It’s not my world anymore.
But back to the bullying thing, that is the hardest thing to detect and enforce.