Tell a joke, riddle, or just something funny (non-PC)

I have a pencil that belonged to William Shakespeare, it cost me a pretty penny at auction, it even has his tooth prints on the end where he had chewed it so much during contemplation that you can hardly read the writing on the end, so I will never know if it’s 2B or not 2B
 
I found out the Main difference between a wife and a dog. Lock em both in your trunk, come back in an hour. The dog will be HAPPY to see you!
 
I tried donating blood today... NEVER AGAIN! Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?
 
I was in port in Alaska. I thought I saw an eye Doctor on an Alaskan Island. Turns out if was an..............optical Aluetian......
 
Hillary Clinton visits a Primary school, to give a talk, After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.

"I have three questions," he says.
"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time.
Who has a question?"

A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny," he says.

"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

"I have five questions," he says.

"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
"Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"
 
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

· Dustin Hoffman
 
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