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Wind your neck in, this isn't a contest to see who can piss the highest!
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This made me laugh! (Twat Free Version)
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My son is in Boston right now, give me your address and he will surely take time out of his busy schedule to send my considered reply personally.
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USFREEDOM911
MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN
You appear to have started the competition, so are now conceding?
USFREEDOM911
MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN
How did that go??
Oh, yeah; Wind your neck in, this isn't a contest to see who can piss the highest!
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Well it wasn't a contest to see who is the most nationalistic. One thing Brits have is an ability to laugh at themselves as well as others. You have got to admit that video of those people going hysterical just because the lift broke down is pretty funny.
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USFREEDOM911
MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN
So what makes you think that Americans don't laugh at the dumb ass antics that a few exhibit?
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I think Ricky Gervais explains it best.
http://time.com/3720218/difference-between-american-british-humour/
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USFREEDOM911
MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN
You're probably right; seeing as how the British have suffered so many defeats, that they're just expecting another one.
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Is this the world's luckiest dog?
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USFREEDOM911
MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN
Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.
Tom wanted two things:
To learn how to invest his inheritance
To find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are much better at estate planning than men.
He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.
Tom wanted two things:
To learn how to invest his inheritance
To find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are much better at estate planning than men.
"Hello, You have reached the 'Men's Help Line.' My name is Don. How can I help you?"
"Hi Don, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her.
When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
"Hi Don, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her.
When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
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Quick Snake Joke
Bruce and Bluey are in the middle of nowhere, prospecting, and setting up camp for the evening. Bruce sets up a fireplace to cook dinner, and Bluey ducks around behind some bushes for a slash.
Half a minute later there's a yelp and Bluey screams "Bruce! help! I've been bitten by a bleedin' snake! Broooce!"
Bruce charges over and catches a look at the snake slithering away, and Blue holding his crotch, whimpering.
"Crikey, Blue! Where'd the bleeder get you?"*
Bluey moves his hands, looking scared, and points to the bite marks on the tip of his penis, which is starting to swell and discolour.
"Stone the crows! Got ya right on the knob! Aw jeeze!"
"Bruce, get on the radio and get the flying doctor out here, mate. I'm not feeling too flash."
"OK"
So Bruce races back to the camp, fires the radio up, tells the doctor his mate's been bitten by a snake.
The doctor asks him to describe the snake, which he does.
Then the doctor sez, "OK Bruce, listen carefully. We can't get there in time, I'm afraid, otherwise I wouldn't recommend this, but it's the only way to save your friend. You've got to open the bite up with a sharp knife or razor, and then suck all the poison out, and suck a bit more, until you're just spitting out blood. Then you've got to put iodine or condeese crystals on it, and bind it up tight. Keep him warm, and make sure he keeps breathing."
"Strewth, doc, is that the only way?"
"I'm afraid so. Now get onto it straight away. Minutes count, here."
So Bruce races back to where Bluey's lying on the ground, sweating, looking pale and anxious. Bluey says, "Did you get onto him? Is he coming? What'd he say,Bruce?"
" He said, you're gonna die Bluey mate."
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Bruce and Bluey are in the middle of nowhere, prospecting, and setting up camp for the evening. Bruce sets up a fireplace to cook dinner, and Bluey ducks around behind some bushes for a slash.
Half a minute later there's a yelp and Bluey screams "Bruce! help! I've been bitten by a bleedin' snake! Broooce!"
Bruce charges over and catches a look at the snake slithering away, and Blue holding his crotch, whimpering.
"Crikey, Blue! Where'd the bleeder get you?"*
Bluey moves his hands, looking scared, and points to the bite marks on the tip of his penis, which is starting to swell and discolour.
"Stone the crows! Got ya right on the knob! Aw jeeze!"
"Bruce, get on the radio and get the flying doctor out here, mate. I'm not feeling too flash."
"OK"
So Bruce races back to the camp, fires the radio up, tells the doctor his mate's been bitten by a snake.
The doctor asks him to describe the snake, which he does.
Then the doctor sez, "OK Bruce, listen carefully. We can't get there in time, I'm afraid, otherwise I wouldn't recommend this, but it's the only way to save your friend. You've got to open the bite up with a sharp knife or razor, and then suck all the poison out, and suck a bit more, until you're just spitting out blood. Then you've got to put iodine or condeese crystals on it, and bind it up tight. Keep him warm, and make sure he keeps breathing."
"Strewth, doc, is that the only way?"
"I'm afraid so. Now get onto it straight away. Minutes count, here."
So Bruce races back to where Bluey's lying on the ground, sweating, looking pale and anxious. Bluey says, "Did you get onto him? Is he coming? What'd he say,Bruce?"
" He said, you're gonna die Bluey mate."
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When you throw like a girl!!
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1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam,
and we're stoning her in the morning.
2. My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25 and her name is Heather.
3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and
I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year!
You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but
the ironing is piling up!"
7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes
back.
9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, "We'd love to, but our garden
hose only reaches the driveway."
10. If you get an email entitled, "Nude Photo of Hillary Clinton", don't open it, it contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.
and we're stoning her in the morning.
2. My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25 and her name is Heather.
3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and
I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year!
You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but
the ironing is piling up!"
7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes
back.
9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, "We'd love to, but our garden
hose only reaches the driveway."
10. If you get an email entitled, "Nude Photo of Hillary Clinton", don't open it, it contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.
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Brilliant!
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The EU is demanding 100 billion euros as part of the divorce settlement. I would suggest that the bill has already been paid, in blood!!
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