This made me laugh! (Twat Free Version)

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke,
“Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your tools along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.”
Tom got a horrified look on his face and began choking.
She said, “Honey, what’s wrong?”
He replied,
“There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screamed,
“YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”
Tom replied: “I wasn’t.”
 
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and! said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.

“I am a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
 
Milagro said:
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Sent from my Lenovo K52e78 using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

pass a police baton through your penis and you may understand
 
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists:
two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what
the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in
a chair. Kill her."
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came
out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions
to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after
another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The damned gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him
with the chair."
 
Right said:
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists:
two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what
the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in
a chair. Kill her."
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came
out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions
to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after
another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The damned gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him
with the chair."
Click to expand...
Good joke but I've heard it before.

Sent from my iPhone 25 GT Turbo
 
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
 
Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water-cooler the next morning.

When Debra came in with a horrible hangover after partying all night, she went directly to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said, "Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”

"Could you jack-off for now?" she replied. "I feel like shit. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime.”

I had to let Jack go.
 
A woman meets a man in a bar.


They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..


They get back to his place,




And as he shows her around his apartment.



She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the bedroom,





With hundreds and hundreds of cute,



Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!


It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them



And she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf.

Medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf.


And huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy


To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,




She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.


But doesn't mention this to him.



They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,


After a while, she finds herself
thinking,


'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!


Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'


She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips.


He responds warmly.


They continue to kiss, the passion builds.



And he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom.



Where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,

More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
The afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,



And says:




'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
 
The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED AS THE CHICKEN HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED THROUGH THE CONTROL CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER'S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW.

THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.


NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO

"DEFROST THE CHICKEN."
 
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