Good Morning.
And what a good morning it is, this being a Friday and all. Moreover, it is not raining, the electricity bill still hasn't arrived and the chap who moved into the house at the back of mine has, apparently, been put in prison for conning old ladies out of their savings. This is a good thing anyway but he also kept a pair of frightfully noisy parrots, in some ghastly garden shed and chicken wire arrangement, and those squawking bastards have gone as well. Huzzah!
That still does not explain my effervescent mood today though. No, no, no. I am in high spirits due to hearing the news that a rather aged foot and thigh bone, belonging to none other than a
genuine saint, is currently "on tour" in Britain. Like a minor version of a Rolling Stones tour these fragile relics are to be chauffeured round the country to meet the public, perform many astounding feats and facilitate pregnancy. They belong to Saint Therese of Lisieux, an unfortunate French nun who died from Tuberculosis at the age of 24. Presumably there was a shortage of canonised bones back in 1897?
MIRACLE: After praying to Saint, woman with no feet grows legs out of arms.
Anyway, the remains of this Holy bint was cleaved into 3 sections, probably on the advice of accountants for revenue maximising potential, and we get to see a bit of thigh. Giddy up! Britain's religious mentalists are expected to turn out in force; the blind will see, the lame will walk, wheelchair manufacturers will be ruined and we'll all be so taken aback that we set things straight and begin burning Anglicans again.
"
Oh yeah, right. Like that's going to happen", i hear some sceptics say.
To you doubters i merely point out that in 2002 St Therese was sent on a mission of peace to Baghdad, to prevent a potential war with Iraq. So...think on. Apparently, the Home Office has approved Wormwood Scrubs prison as one tour venue so perhaps my parrot loving neighbour will finally get to see a big old bone which doesn't make him grit his teeth and whimper?
'No Backbone' - The Lemonheads
