DamnYankee
Loyal to the end
This is the truth, but there is more to the story. Our women figure it out long before us stoopit guys do.
My first kid was in my wife's belly for 9 months denying me pleasure for much of it. The little bastard was two weeks late then started labor around midnight after a long day with no martinis in three weeks since I had to be able to drive if the blessed event happened. Then he waited another 13 hours while I tried to doze off on a chair with no recline in a cramped room listening to my wife cry, scream and moan under fluorescent lights. Then his head was too big and the doctor did you-don't wanna-know to you-know-where. They put a wire in his skull and we watched a machine monitor a heartbeat that at first impossibly fast then made us panic because it was impossibly slow, then fast again. After hours of this shit they sent in some doctor with big hairy arms who reached way in with steel tongs and pulled the little alien out, purple skin and cone shaped head, covered in slime and cottage cheese.
Then two days going back-and-forth to the hospital with my mother-in-law who decided to visit, fill the refrigerator with odd recipes and clean our house.
After my wife and her alien came home I decided it was a good time to rebuild the front walkway and spent as much time as possible breaking up old concrete, moving heavy materials around and sweating.
Weeks of dinners with the alien screaming and messing up my hand-finished oak floors and carefully painted walls. Months went by and still no pleasure for poor old dad and even then the surgery made things awkward and procedural. My life was over.
Then the little alien smiled at me and my heart melted...
